Should be in bed...

Okay, okay. I know it's late and I need to sleep, but I feel like there are so many things I need to say to so many people. I'm quite content with my life now, but as I look at all my old friends, I see their lives going on right in front of me, and they've chosen to keep me out of it. I can't help but hurt when I see that.

Another thing that really bothers me, what's up with the whole 'Oh, 2011 will change my life for the better! It'll be amazing!' Maybe I'm just a pessimist ( or realist, to some people) but I don't see the appeal. My life will not change one single iota when the clock turns to midnight on New Year's. I mean, I'll still have the same struggles, the same insecurities, the same frusterations from the little things. I guess I have a hard time understanding people I no longer know. Is that such a bad thing, though?

Sometimes I wonder, how close am I to letting go of everyone that has made it clear that they don't need or want me in their life? How close am I to being okay with it all? I get to a point where I'm thrilled and I'm glad to have a new friend, but then I feel as if I reliving the same problems I had with other people I considered friends and I can't prevent it. Maybe it's just my personality and I'll get used to it.

What if it takes me thirty years though? Will I have a good month, then a month where I cry over things I've already cried a river for? I can't stand that. Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm not depressed because I can feel happiness and joy, which I've experienced so much in the past few weeks, but then, when I'm all alone and it's quiet, the voices in my head start replaying situations, feeding off of little bits of information I get, or lack thereof. It's driving me insane. I hate it.

I know that when I wake up, I'll have a fresh perspective and I'll go back to my regular feelings of 'Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they have before it's too late with their new friends.' I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.

P.S. I'm so sorry for this. I get infuriated when I read whiney posts like mine. I just can't talk to myself anymore. *laugh*

Happy Are We!

Okay, so I'm feeling so much better than I was the last time I posted. Not alot happened to change the situation, but I just realized what was important to me. My big bro came over thursday, we spent the day eating steak, watching Chuck, and we watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World TWICE! I may be in love with Michael Cera..but I shall neither confirm nor deny. *coughcough* Anyway..

I just got back from babysitting my cousins and I have to admit, they're really awesome. I remember when we first moved here and they didn't know us but now, three or four years later, they're completely willing to be social. I love playing around with little kids. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I could remember being that young. Would I wish to be that way again? Would I be glad I'm over it? XD I dunno. I really love my family. They're everything to me. It's hard that so many live so far away, but it makes it all the better when they come to visit.

LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! ^-^

*sigh*

So, again, I face the issue that I'm not sure whether I can post everything I feel, concerned that someone will take offense and make things worse for me. I'm not even going to rehash what I've done, so maybe I'll try to lighten my mood. I had fun visiting my aunt and uncle for their daughter's baby blessing. The only thing I didn't have much fun with was the ride home. Too long, kinda cramped XD It worked out though. The night before, I went to the dance by myself and realized something. I had a blast by myself. Is that bad?

Anyway, reconnected with a friend of mine, met a girl that spelled her name the same way I did lol. It was interesting. That's almost all I have good to say about the past few weeks. Looking forward to the church service project.

Love my family.


...Done.

Meet....FRANKENBREAD!

Rofl alrighty. This morning has been quite the adventure, what with punched boobies, deformed bread, and crumbly homemade brownies. Let me explain.

Mom decided that I had to make bread today and after a little grumbling, I grabbed my mp3 player and decided to do it..AFTER I made my brownies for mutual tonight. I tried to make homemade brownies, which I've never done. I should have guessed that something was off when the batter was a tad..chunky. Well, the texture was off.

Anyway, I popped them into the oven and began mixing the bread. It called for ten cups of flower but after I kneaded the dough, it didn't look like it needed two pans. So, I pulled the brownies out(they looked odd which sunk any hopes I had for them) and put the dough in one pan. THen I asked my mom if I should split the dough. She told that she thought it would be best but that I could try baking it in one bread pan.

So, I figured that I'd try it. I put it in the oven and set the timer. Then I went to the brownies and I was disappointed. THey were hideous. Mom told me not to worry since they were going with sundaes but still..Then I felt like I should check the oven.

That's when I saw what I had created! FRANKENBREAD! I was amazed and terrified! I swear, it was breathing! I quickly shut the oven and burst into laughter, running to tell my mom. She made me take a picture(the lighter one) of it in the oven so she could see it. I happily obliged. She was shocked. But we left it alone and then the doorbell rang. It was my YW(Mia Maid) leader! She brought me a box of brownie mix like she had said she would!

So I let my brothers attack the failbrownies. They're gone now. They liked it, though. Gonna make the brownies later. Anyway, after almost an hour, I pulled the bread out. The dark golden picture is what my creation looks like now. I feel as if I made an abomination..but I have a fond attachment to my disaster.

Now I understand how Dr. Frankenstein felt after he saw his monster. He feared and adored. I fear and adore my monster. Too bad I have to kill it at lunchtime. My mourning will last for eons.

Anywho! I felt like I should share this amazing story...today's gonna be great.

I'm a fail toaster

Okay, okay. I know that no one reads this and whatnot, but I still feel bad for not posting regularly.

So, I'm trying to begin a new adventure, but frankly, I'm not getting anywhere quickly. I want to..DRIVE. GET A JOB. NOT BE FIFTEEN. Alas, I have plenty to do before I drive, plenty of things to do before I get a job, and plenty of months before I'm sixteen.

Oh, the woes of the teenager.

My fiero, for those of you that know I have one, really needs to be fixed up. It's an 84, a sickly yellow, and pretty much a lunchbox. I love it. No. I adore it. BUT, the deathtrap, as I've lovingly learned to call it, needs much work done. One of my fears is that my dad and I will spend so much time trying to fix it and all our efforts will be futile.

*sigh* Again, woe, woe, woe. My car is sitting in the sideyard, inches away from a horrifying death. We had a large tree, it split and fell. It literally is four inches from my car. So, I guess we dodged a bullet there, but that doesn't change the shattered taillights(partly my fault) and whatever else is wrong with it. Hrmmm....Anyway, enough about me whining about my wonderful gift.

I have discovered that I'm a decent Santa Clause rapper. xD Long story. Simple answer : Girl's Camp. Ahh, good times. Glad to be home, trying to get as much time with my friends before I go and visit my aunt and uncle in Tucson.

So excited to visit them. Wondering when I can go to Washington to visit my other aunt. Welp, I'm kind of just rambling now.

I'm done.

Chick-fil-a is not a bedtime food

Okay..so I thought this would be ALOT easier than writing in a journal and I was wrong. I suck at it. Oh well. I'll give a quick update then I'll blog about today. Had tons of birthdays, pregnancy announcements, one death, and everything in between.

I just recently got back from Youth Conference, realized that if you don't really know a guy, it doesn't matter that you see him everyday. You never know how he works. But I did meet four other guys and three of them were extremely nice. The other was like my little brothers. Not too fun.

Anyway, Chad Hymas spoke to us and made me realize that there are so many things I want to do in my life, but that I actually have to do them. I can't just sit back. I never know when my life will change.

Then we had some amazingly fun classes and did a great service project where we put together hygiene kits and school kits for kids in the state and third world countries. It was amazing. So uplifting. Can't wait 'til next year :D

Okay, so..last night, I was at mutual getting ready for camp(next saturday) and I munched on these candied nuts that my leader's son made. THey were delish! Anyway, they let me take home the leftovers and I realized...my mouth hurt soo bad and my throat was itchy. Took benadryl, was all good(Finished the nuts today, I know, glutton for punishment) and ate a little chick-fil-a. This is what happened after I fell asleep.

I was grocery shopping with a boy from my ward, who my friend likes but I see nothing in him. We bought two gigantic bottles of juice and a single 1 liter of some kind of blue juice for myself. He couldn't carry the big jugs, so he dragged them until he decided he was thirsty. Then he tried to open it and, when he failed, asked me to do it. I opened it easily..then another boy from the ward (he's just kinda odd) shouted at me "You and him? There's a problem with that." "What?" "You think I'm hot!" "Uh-huh..sure.." Then I walked away from both of them, only to return to an ironing board with tons of paper on it...there was a note from a BRianna Cowsomething and I thought it was from YET ANOTHER boy in the ward. Then I woke up. WTH?!

That's all for today lol..

Sleepy peep and sicky duck

I obviously can't think of anything for a title at the moment, but I think I got the essential stuff. I'm sleepy and sick. Who would have thought that Facebook would end up a chore? Got a scare today.

Thought my major paper for my history class this semester was due this week. Turns out, I still have a few weeks to work on it. Gonna start tomorrow. I have a presentation on Debra Samson and then a paper on her. I really should be in bed so I can at least make it to seminary tomorrow morning, but I'm not sure if I can. Anyway, I made a formspring the other day.

I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised that I've actually gotten questions. It's fun. I just watched Juno, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and Zombieland. FRIGGIN' AMAZING MOVIES!!! Gonna watch Law Abiding Citizen soon..Gerard Butler is hot. Just saying. You know, I really don't have alot to say tonight.

Working on a story for my friend Myra. :D It's fun..I can't wait for hers though. Anyway, got nothing else for now. Maybe tomorrow..

Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Anxiety

Last night was a pretty big night for me, with the cooking and the reading. Well, right after my last post, I began cooking. I wasn't finished until six twenty. So, I really had no time to get ready and I still ended up cutting out the caramel sauce. I hadn't been able to take a shower and in my rush, I didn't grab any kind of spoon for the sauce or putting the cheesecake filling into the cups.

Once I got there, I began setting up and realized, my stuff looked pretty pathetic. I mean, yeah, one guy had what looked like ramen noodles and chicken, but the way he was doing the presentation made my pork look like...breaded meat on a plate.

Then my desserts. One of the cups BROKE on the way. Then I discovered that I can't really get a thick cheesecake filling out of a bowl and into a smaller bowl without anything. Someone went and grabbed me an ice cream scoop and it worked..just not for the ganache. I should have stopped. I should have, but I didn't...and then I ran into the gym and began waiting with my friends for my reading.

I believe that it was going pretty well, until I started feeling gross because my lack of shower and done up hair and pretty clothes on. And my worst enemy, anxiety, decided to rear it's ugly head. I watched all of these people sing and play music and..I had a stupid little poem to read. So, I tried to calm myself down and it really just made it worse. I don't think I was scared enough to start shaking, but I was crying, doing my very best to hide it.

It was surprisingly easy in the dark but still.. My dad and brother came to cheer me on but by the time they had arrived, I had taken my name off the list. Thinking of it now really makes me mad because this is something I've been planning to do and I really couldn't.

Another thing that makes me mad is I was able to go up on the stage to do a group skit with my ward and I was fine. I couldn't do it by myself. It all just brings me back to Walmart a few days before Christmas.

I'm sitting there on a bench, two or three bags at my feet as I watch every unfamiliar face, waiting for my parents to come. I was shaking, crying and just hoping that they'd hurry. It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. I can't decided which situation was the worst, but both really ended up ruining my night.

I can live with taking my name off the list, I'll get over it and chances are, I won't even remember it tomorrow. It still sucks. Anyway, back to last night.

I collected my food from the judging, gave the cheesecake stuff to my friends and headed home. My mom had ordered chinese and my whole family and our friends ate dinner. It cheered me up quite a bit, but I still wish that I had been able to control my anxieties.

Oh well...I guess there's the next Youth Olympics..

Cheesecake mousse, chocolate bowls, and Shel Silverstein

Okay, my church has decided to do this Youth Olympics thing, which I'm finally old enough for. Yay, right? Yeah, pretty much xD. Tonight is the final night and I'm entering the cooking contest.

I'm making pork milanese with a lemon sauce for the entree and cheesecake mousse in a chocolate bowl with burnt caramel sauce, chocolate ganache, fresh mint as a garnish, crumbled graham cracker crust and some fresh strawberries. :DDD I hope to win lol but I'm not going to get too excited about it. Okay, I lied. I already did. Oh well. Anyway, I actually have to get my stuff started in..an hour. I'm going to make the cheesecake mousse as soon as I get this posted ^-^ then I'll shower and at five thirty, the pork goes in the oven!

Oh..I should start the bowls too, so they're done. Hmm. Oh well, I can do it! I have to turn it in from six to six thirty, which I'm fairly confident I'll do. Then I have to wait around until it's my turn to do a poetry reading. I have selected The Unicorn by Shel Silverstein. One of my favorites and I get to be silly while I read it. I think the thing that will be hard for me is just standing there for a minute when I finish. Hmm. I'm looking around my room and noticing that it needs a tidy. Not gonna touch it tonight.

Should probably figure out what makeup I'll wear, if any.

I GOT A SHARPIE PEN! I'm so excited. I love pens but sharpie pens, for me, are the BEST! I love the really fine tips, the ones that you have to actually look for. Love 'em. I should go start my cooking so, yeah...btw, as if you didn't already know, this is my first blog entry and I fully intend to blog at least once a day. Doesn't mean I will, but I'll try. I'll at least blog...every other day so I have stuff to blog about lol.