Tuesday, June 30, 2015

All the change, but no quarters

So, last week, I was griping about change and well, now I have some news. Some big news, for me.

 I had been talking to my store manager, Wayne, and I had recently requested full time, even though I was absolutely certain I wouldn't get it. He had told me the Friday before that it wasn't going to happen, but he'd go through my productivity to see if he can try to convince the district manager that having me full time is a good idea.

Well, I've been searching for another part time job, or something that could be a better financial choice for me and I had taken the last week or so to give it a bit of a rest before searching.

Saturday, after an extra long shift for me, I was chatting with Wayne a little bit and he asked me if I was sure that I wanted full time. I repeated that I did and I felt that I could prove myself. What he said next was shocking.

He told me that Dan(my DM) had approved of my full time and it'll be in effect on Monday, 6-29-15. I was stunned. I was sitting right there as he changed my status in the system and he told me my benefits package was on the way. I felt goosebumps on my arms, just staring in stunned silence before I got a bit giddy.

I've been given the chance that I've been wanting and now, I don't have to find a second job and I can prove that this was not a mistake. I'm so excited for this opportunity and I'm extremely grateful to have my salon family, including my salon manager, all of them supportive and believing in me. They're one of my favorite parts of my day and I feel like I'm very lucky to feel so fondly of this group of women, even if we're all so different. I call them friends without hesitation and I firmly believe we're a work family.

I'm excited to work hard with this position and keep impressing people. I feel like this promotion, which I fully consider it to be, is just another way for me to show that I value the fact that I can work. I am so willing to work hard, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like a good work ethic is something that I don't see very often in peers and I think that it can serve me in every factor of life. It's underappreciated by people who should have it but it's noticed by work peers and such.

So, I came home and told my family. They were extremely proud of me for earning this opportunity and I have to be grateful for their support as well. Then, to make things even better, I won a three month subscription to one of my favorite monthly boxes that actually would have been my last month in July. I had no idea how I would have afforded to reinstate the subscription but now I have three free months ^-^

Just been good changes and good little things to help me get through the days, to remind me that life has ups and downs. If you try and you're a little brave, or willing to be uncomfortable, things will work out in one way or another.

I'm very grateful to have had such a wonderful day and the many opportunities I've had to prove myself lately. I hope I continue to grow and that I don't let myself down.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Patience Needed (?)

Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.

Maybe that's just me.

But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.

I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'

Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.

I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.

Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.

Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.

If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.

My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.

I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.

As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.

The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.

Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.

Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.