Last Post of 2016

Oh, 2016. I hated you. I still do. You were kind of awful. At the end of the year, where Christmas spirit should be abound and everyone should be feeling the warm fuzzies, no one feels any different. The holiday feels like nothing. I have like...four friends at the end of this year.

2016, you took a lot. And unfortunately, I don't know if the next year will be much better overall.

But let me say this. I learned a lot about myself this year. I learned what I won't tolerate. I lost friends because of that and you can ask anyone who doesn't like me, they'll say I've changed and become this awful person. I don't think I have. But I don't want to be anyone's doormat anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm standing up for myself more and still pushing out of my comfort zone because I can't do this.

The friends I have left are ones I believe will stick around. And if not, it won't be because anyone treated anyone poorly. It would just be a change in life. That's okay. I've accepted that. I don't chase anyone anymore.

As much as sometimes, I still feel alone and struggle, I feel better. I'd rather be with very limited friends who actually like me, and I know they do, then chase after someone who is nothing but heartache.

I don't have the energy for that anymore. I need to focus on my life and me, not bending over backwards for someone who is just using me.

So, that's what I'm doing.

2017, I'll still be doing that. Learning how to take care of myself and learn even more about the world and my own mindset.

So, at the end of this year, I have to say, thank you, 2016.

You're just like those awful friends I had...punch after punch, not bothering to slow or make sure I was okay, so I had to learn to make myself okay no matter what you did. I'm still standing, somehow. I will be tomorrow, and the day after.

Goodbye, 2016. Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya,

Sometimes

Sometimes, memories hit me like a train. They come out of nowhere, triggered by insignificance, but it sends me down a mental rabbit hole.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. I replay visions of when we had fun and some of the things I had seen on your face. I hear words you said, the times you laughed. I remember silly inside jokes, yarns we liked to spin, tales we enjoyed to tell. I feel the peace and happiness.

Sometimes, they make me sad. I feel the darkness left behind, I remember the fights. I remember how I hurt and how I would constantly wonder if you felt the same. I remember being dismissed or being ignored. I remember feeling alone when I should have felt anything but.

Sometimes, I feel indifferent to the memories. Like...watching the boring part of a movie, where you know something is coming, be it good or bad, but you're just waiting.

Sometimes, I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Was I in the wrong? Was there something I did? Did I say something? Or was it all you? Maybe I should have cut ties a lot sooner.

Sometimes, I think about the future, things we had talked about, even in passing. Were any of those ever possible? Were they just dreams that meant nothing more than to fill the conversation?

Sometimes, I watch people go by me and I feel like I stand still. I watch you stand still.

Sometimes, I feel like it's your fault. Things could be different if you were different. If I were different.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will continue to attack at random. If you didn't happen, then I wouldn't have my bad memories. But I wouldn't have the happy either. Is it worth it?

I wonder if you ever think about these things too, even sometimes.

Future: Pending

So tonight, I sit at my newly rearranged room, still adjusting to how the change while listening to My Chemical Romance.

Yeah, one of those nights.

Well, I guess that doesn't mean much, I've always listened to this kind of music no matter how I felt. I was surprised to find out how emo my  music tastes were when I was a kid. Where did that come from? My parents are all about hairbands and country. I mean, I'm not super picky when it comes to music but I do have my comfort zone, emo music and like...skater punk? I don't know how to classify it. Essentially, I listen to Bowling for Soup and Panic! at the Disco all the time.

Like...ALL THE TIME.

Anyway. Back to my rearranged room.

I'm handling the change pretty well, considering I didn't have much say in how things went with the change. When things change in my life, I have a crisis. I'm working on it but I do NOT like when things are different than they should be, even if it was not functional beforehand. Logically, I understand far more than my mind believes? Logic doesn't mean anything when you're crazy though, so there's that.

The last few months, I've been making an effort to push out of my comfort zone. Tonight is just a weak moment and I'll get over it. But nights like tonight, I can't be proud of what I have tried to do the last few months.

I've been trying to be more comfortable by myself in general so maybe when I am alone, I'm not sinking into an existential crisis. It's been helping for the most part. I'll go places by myself where I would normally choose to just stay home to avoid the panic of being alone. I'll make plans for just me and I'll be unapologetic. If someone decides to tag along, great! If not, I've already mentally prepared myself.

I'll say yes to things that absolutely terrify me, even though I know it's a dumb thing to be scared of. I let one of my friends cut my hair the other day. That is a huge deal for me. And I've loved the result. It was nothing too drastic and she was very careful to communicate the entire time with me so I was prepared, even before the actual cutting took place.

The last time I got a haircut, I was bold (for me) and told my mom to cut off like...six inches. I had a panic attack and almost cried the moment I felt the scissors. Why? I've never been attached to the hair. It's the change. So this time, it was a big deal for me to not cry after cutting my hair.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I barely knew and actually had a really nice night. Then I went out the next night to meet a group of internet friends. Again, HUGE for me. I'm the kind of person that needs months to get comfortable with someone before I'll even consider inviting them over or meeting them somewhere by myself.

I registered for a summer class with a friend and even though she stopped going, I finished it out by myself. I even registered for the semester class by myself.

I've tried to focus more on people who have made an effort on me as well instead of chasing people who like to be chased and it's been far more fruitful. I hope to keep up with that as well.

I've got a rough draft of the next year in my head and we'll see how that shapes up but I'm still feeling 'good' about it.

I mean, I don't really feel good about anything right NOW but in general, I'm pretty okay, I guess. I have plenty I need to still do and maybe that'll help me in leaps and bounds. But I'm still pretty terrified about a lot of things.  Don't know why, don't have good reason for it but I'm trying to slowly push past that bit of fear.

Some days, I do better than others. Today was good while I was busy. But then it started slowing down and it kind of went downhill from there. Maybe I'm getting sick as well, I don't know. I just have to get through tomorrow then I have a few days off, maybe recover myself a little. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things lately. Nights like this don't help. But I'll suck it up, I'll go to work tomorrow and I'll be as pleasant as I can be until I get to go home and then take a break from life. It's not even terrible or bad...it's just tiring and I'm having a rough go. For no real reason in particular, so that's fun.

Whatever. Time to feed my God complex and play some Sims.

Is Anyone REALLY That Surprised That This is an Angry Post Again?

I want to break the cycle of blogging only when I'm in a really bad way or fantastically good but never in between, That cycle is not broken this evening, so...sorry.

There has been so much change going on lately and, while that alone makes me uncomfortable, is literally the LAST of my concerns.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I'm finding that I'm very underappreciated in life lately. I feel like I'm only as important as what people can get from me. As a person who wants to make people happy, even to my own falling already, this is devastating.

I know it's a fault of mine and it's something I should know better on how to avoid at this point but I don't. Or, I don't stop it. I want people to like me. I want to genuinely get along with people but it's more of what I've always dealt with.

I'm only around as long as someone can get something out of me. As soon as I defend myself or decide to say something they won't like, I'm not needed.

Well, at work, I've always been someone helpful. No matter what the job was, I always tried to make it a pleasant environment for everyone.

Two years after the same garbage, I'm done. I'm speaking up for myself and quickly finding that I don't have anything real anymore. I don't know what I really expected. Today, I admitted to my superior that I just didn't know how much longer I could put up with this. I hate constantly feeling sick because of stupid drama.

I'm not in highschool and all of you are adults. ACT LIKE IT. All day today, I was nauseated because of what went down. Why was I surprised when the mean girl targeted me and made my business her own? Why was I surprised when, the moment I showed that I was HUMAN, that people ripped me apart.

I was humiliated, berated, infuriated, defenseless, and I felt so alone.

The ones who would have defended me weren't there...or were silenced by the sheer chaos of the situation.

I felt kicked to the floor and I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy today that I dwelt on it. I can't help that I do that, but I do dwell on things. Until a good nap, that's really all I can ever think about.

Then being told to find the reasoning for my actions so I can 'discuss' and finding absolutely nothing was devastating. I was even more humiliated to have to go and say that I just couldn't find my proof, even though I wasn't the only one that knew what it was.

In any case, I was told that I had misunderstood the rules and that if I was having that much trouble, I needed to communicate better.

I literally could say nothing else, so I ended the conversation and walked off.

Unfortunately for me, I can't hide my facial expressions and, CLEARLY, I was not happy with that reaction. I didn't even have time to cool down or gather myself when I found myself in the office.

DOUBLE UNFORTUNATELY, I was angry crying at this point. BUT..I was able to get a lot off of my chest and shed light on a lot. I feel like I walked out of the office feeling better in a general sense but we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm not interested in going above and beyond anymore. I'm clearly not appreciated enough. So, I'm going back to keeping my head down and worrying about myself. I'll keep my small group of friends close and just...I'm honestly exhausted at all the time. All day today, I was incredibly sick because of everything. I'm not interested in doing this anymore.

I'm 21. I honestly dread coming into work because of the people. That was never the case before.

I'm supposed to be having fun with life, worrying about my future. I literally worry about getting through the day. It's not okay. Something has to give. Or someone's gonna go.

Hopefully it's not me.