'Do you want to know how it ends?'

My journal today, asked 'Do you want to know how it ends?'

What a question. Kind of vague depending on who you are.

Do I want to know how I die? Where I end up? How I end up? Who do I end up with, if anyone?

Today, I'm toying with the idea. Not so much knowing how I want to die, because I'm already paranoid. If I know how I will die, then I'd spend way too much time trying to avoid it.

So, that would be a no, there.

Do I want to know where I end up? Sure. Do I stay in Arizona? Do I move to a slightly cooler state? Do I move to Ireland? I know that if I get to Ireland, it would be very hard to leave. So, that could be interesting. Maybe something to hope for, if I knew. Or just learn patience as life takes detours, knowing that I will get to point B, it's just going to take its own time.

Do I want to know how I end up? Am I successful in business, do I work until the day I die at a 9-5 job? Do I open a bakery? Run a business with my family and friends? That could be cool, then I would know what skills to hone for my life.

Do I want to know who I end up with, or if I end up with someone? Who doesn't? But I wouldn't want to know this one. Understanding a timeline different than my own would be too much, so even knowing the who, I would want to know the how and when, and then  I would get stuck focusing on that.

Besides, I go into this with a little bit of insight into my life already so maybe that's why I pick apart this answer.

Career-wise, I'm not much further than I was when I started, I don't think. But I have had more opportunities than I would have, so I am grateful for that, and I'll continue fighting for the next opportunity. I have to learn how to network better, I think. Hone skills that are useful in a business sense if I'm playing on staying in the same place, different position.

Love-wise, I'm back to square one, a little worse for wear this time. My kneejerk reaction is to say that it was my own fault but this time, it actually wasn't. So, I'm gonna take a step back from this part of my life and just, put my energy elsewhere. If it happens, cool, if not, that's okay too.

I want to focus more on my friends, the ones that have made an effort to take care of me, to be in my corner. I see you, I recognize you. I'm getting to the point where I want to take care of you now too. I'm going to let those relationships grow and blossom. I need to be myself and these people have shown me that there is nothing wrong with WHO I am, so I need to learn not to hide myself anymore.

I'm starting to feel happy again, even though I feel like I haven't made much progress, and sad news kind of hurts, but I'm over the whole, going into a tailspin, bit. Some days will be harder than others, but I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm excited to spend the holidays with people I care about, who care about me, to show my love for them and for life.

But to go back to the question at hand; Do I want to know how it ends?

Nah, I'm good. I'd rather focus on today, and how to be happy today, instead of dwelling on whatever is going on tomorrow.