Monday, December 8, 2014

The Retail Worker's Woes

So, as anyone who might read my blog or Facebook knows, I work at PetSmart for the time being. I've been there a little over a year now and this is my second Christmas here. (Hardly counts, as I was hired around Christmas last year, but whatever)

One thing that I've learned is how real the frustration is to be someone who works in retail. Now, I work in a salon, so it's a little different than working at Walmart, but I've dealt with a lot of irate customers and complaints that make absolutely no sense to any rational person, but you have to deal with it and remind yourself that you're grateful to be employed.

Now, through the whole year, you get those customers that make you question humanity and treat you worse than the dog's doo you just had to clean up but it seems like I've seen more of that in the last few weeks than I have in a year.

I get it. Christmas time is stressful, you've got a packed schedule and you have all of these things that have to be done. But when you drop your dog off to be groomed and get irritated, treat me like I'm stupid for asking the questions I do, insult my intelligence or ability, it really doesn't make me want to help you. As much as you have a lot of things to think about this holiday season, so do I. I have a family to think of, I have friends and extended family I want to make treats for, gifts I would like to prepare, decorations to make and set up and, on top of that, I go to work every day and deal with people like you.

You have a job too, you have kids, I get it. I really do. You're a human being. But so am I. I'm not just some toolbag who was put on this Earth to squeeze your dog's butt and clip his nails. I don't expect you to care about my personal life or my issues, that's not what my problem is. My problem is, when I'm being polite or kind, that's not just an act. And I do have a limit to my kindness. When you roll your eyes, look down on me in disdain, and fight me at every turn, it wears me down. It makes me want to just stay in bed from now on.

Obviously, I won't give you the power to drag me down for too long. Usually, I get it out by muttering angrily the four hours I have your dog, unless he turns out to be the sweetest thing. Then I allow him to bring up my mood and just pity him for having to go home to you.

Do you realize that, when you call me and tear into me as much as you want, it really doesn't make me want to help you? And guess what, I do have the power to make sure I don't help you. I won't be rude about it, but I won't go out of my way to make things go YOUR way. I don't care if you had a bad day. I'm sure your mother taught you how to behave to other living creatures, or at least, how to behave in public.

I know mine did. She taught me that, no matter how bad my day is, I should NEVER allow it to alter how I treat people. I have bad days, just like anyone. But I try very hard not to be rude to you or your obnoxious child/dog and I like to think I do a pretty good job, even when frazzled. All I ask is that you have some common decency and treat me like a human being. A human being like you, who's just living day to day, struggling to pay bills, struggling to get my life the way I want it to be, struggling to survive another holiday season. Is that really so much to ask? Some common kindness?

Friday, November 21, 2014

But I've Got A Black Space, Baby, And I'll Leave it Blank.

So, again, I suck at blogging regularly. I don't even have an excuse this time.

But a lot has gone on. Not a whole lot of BIG things, but a lot of little things that can add up. Little things. Long work days, blossoming emotions, irritation, confusion. Every day things, I suppose.

It's funny, I don't even know if there's something that I can be like 'I am dealing with this big thing right now, it's the biggest thing in my life right now.' I mean, I have my job but I actually enjoy what I do, all drama aside.

Just today, the work family and I were all in...questionable moods, I suppose, but we actually were able to enjoy each other for the most part today. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that we were all there to work.

Work is a big part of my life, that's just how it goes. But it's not a huge burden to me. It lifts plenty of my own problems and gives me people who have spent almost a full year around me, so they have learned what's my normal and when something's off. And I have received nothing but support and opportunity. So, in that sense, I'm very appreciative. My job is, in reality, the very least of any of the small problems I might have. Thank goodness!

No, if I REALLY had to settle on something that's been a real thorn in my side, it would have to be dealing with emotions and the entire illogical drama behind them. If I'm mad at someone, I want a good reason. If I'm happy, I don't really need a reason for it, but there almost always is a reason for it. Then the deeper emotions decide to jump into the fray and screw it all up.

No, I have no idea why I'm head over heels for that dude. It's irritating, frankly. But it also is fun. Then irritating again. My mind wanders a whole lot more than I would like it to and I can't seem to decide why I feel this way or what brought it on. It's just there. I kinda hate it.

I also kind of love it. UGH. Why can't I just go back to never leaving my house and minding my own dang business?

What? What's that you say? I'm an ad-ult? What is that? Ew. I didn't sign up for this.

The good thing about all this crazy stuff that really isn't that crazy in the first place is that I'm still really young. I can afford to let my life take a slow route for a little while. Doesn't mean I like it or I don't panic when I don't see things happening for myself like I see for everyone else.

Granted, I seem to be an idiot and aim for things I can't have until a certain amount of time has passed. Good job, me.

Anyway. I literally had no point for this blog tonight. I never know how to end the posts when I didn't actually have a real reason to say something. 


Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Day Nothing Changed...but Me.

It's funny, every so often, I get the feeling that I'm changing for the worse. It's an odd realization, provides a bit of motivation, then it's...different?

I don't quite know how to explain.

The past few weeks have been long. For various reasons, I'm just weary. And, the strangest thing is, I pride myself on being able to push through, silence my thoughts long enough to do what I need to do and not let it affect my day to day activities.

Yesterday, though, I had plenty of people comment on how odd I was behaving. Angry or simply not all there. Yesterday, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I chalked it up to apathy but others saw it differently.

I cried at work yesterday for the first time since February. I don't even have a very good excuse as to why I was just so...overwhelmed. Work wasn't too bad, it was busy, which was good for me any other day. I got all of my tasks done in a timely fashion and went home on time.

So, there's really no REASON for me to sit in the break room and cry, but I did it. And when I got home, I couldn't shake the low feeling that had grown in a matter of hours.

Last night, some drama went down that I witnessed and it kind of left me a little unsure of myself, not too sure where I stand or what to expect. And I don't blame anyone, life happens and things change, people change and they have impulsive moments.

That's normal.

Usually, I can deal. But not yesterday.

I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, it wasn't a good sleep. It felt different. Heavy.

I don't really have a neat little way to end my post today. I try to leave some inspirational little tidbit for me to look back on later on but not today. I don't feel bad, I don't feel angry or sad, just...apathetic.

I imagine things will be a little different in a few hours, hopefully for the better, but I don't know.

Thank goodness tomorrow brings a new week for me. A new chance to make myself better, not slip back into some unrecognizable being just muddling her way through the days.

I want to be known as that person who is pretty pleasant to be around. Not someone who comes across as angry or off.

I need to get back to my 'normally.' Leave Yesterday there and bring the good ol' me to Tomorrow.

There's your inspiration, future Me. BAM.

Monday, August 11, 2014

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams

Today was a surprising roller coaster for me. Most days, I find that I'm pleasantly apathetic. Odd, I know. But I don't need fantastic to be content.

Today looked like it would be fantastic. For no real reason. And, for the most part, it was. Until I got off work and found out about Robin Williams. It caught me by surprise by how upset I was. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't freak out. I kind of didn't want to accept it and ignored it until I logged into my Facebook and saw status after status, picture after picture, and it hurt.

To most people who know me, they understand that I RARELY get overly emotional when a celebrity passes away, no matter how much I might be fond of them, I usually reserve serious mourning for their family as I feel like, I didn't know them personally, I don't have that right and it would almost be rude.

I've felt sadness when I realized someone has passed and disappointment. But I can only think of three people that really...hurt me to lose, when I didn't know them at all.

Steve Irwin, Heath Ledger, and Robin Williams.

Sometimes, the sadness came from realizing everything they've left behind.

Today has left me deeply saddened. For many reasons, I guess. I told my dad earlier, when I wasn't willing to accept it, that Robin Williams wasn't allowed to die. So, it couldn't possibly be true.

Then to find out a little more about what happened. Of course, it's being 'investigated' but people don't say suicide unless they're fairly certain. I think that's when it really hit me.

I know I'm not the only person to feel like they had been touched, inspired, or simply cheered up by Mister Williams. The mark he left on the world will always be a great one. But it breaks my heart to think that this man was hurting so badly, he saw no other way to escape it, there was no relief for him. There was no one that could save him.

And now, his family is left to try finding acceptance and understanding in this horribly dark time. I can only imagine the hurt and regret they have, even though this wasn't not anyone's fault.

I, like many people, have had some struggles with some form of depression and I don't think there's a real escape for most people. And still, with so many people struggling, there will always be someone who feels alone in this big, full world.

There are millions of communities for every little thing you could possibly think of. Always a place for someone to find others who are like them. But depression is insidious. You can always be surrounded by people who love you, who know your struggles, who want to help, and all you feel is empty.

Now, that isn't to say that everyone struggling with depression can only feel loneliness and pain, but it's a lot harder to find happiness and a lasting comfort.

I guess, what I'm trying to get at is what everyone's saying at this point, but a little different. If you know anyone who even MIGHT be struggling with depression, pain, sadness, loneliness...try your best to be there for them. Offer love, acceptance, kindness, and try to understand. Give them a shoulder to cry on, show them that you still care. But this is where I change my message a little.

If you know ANYONE. Anyone at all. Happy at all times, sad, angry, apathetic, be there for them to the best of your ability. There are so many people hiding behind a smile, offering laughter and jokes when, really, they can't find a desire to get out of bed in the morning. They can't find the drive to put on a face anymore.
But they do. Until they can't.

Don't let anyone go without love. Don't assume, for even one second, that the person you're next to right now will still be there tomorrow. You know that saying, live like today is your last day?

Love like it's their last.

I'm not suggesting that everyone can be saved...sometimes, all we can do is offer love and there isn't anything really to be done from someone else. But trying is all anyone can ask of you if they don't really ask anything.

That being said, I have this now.


I know I've been stressing doing everything you can to take care of others but now, it's time to take care of you. If, for some reason, you have reached your capacity, or something out of your control has happened, don't let blame eat you. Guilt is no one's friend. Guilt is an unnecessary evil.

It's not your fault and you should never allow yourself to think it. It brings you to a dark place and prevents you from living your life.

I, personally, feel like the best way to honor someone's memory is to live your life. Love others, take care of others and give of yourself. Spread a little happiness in the form of a passing smile, a warm hello, a silent moment of understanding to someone who just needs an ear. You will be amazed at how far a little kindness can go.

To bring this back around so I don't continue to ramble, I'm hurt today. I didn't know this man but my idea of him was wonderful and it hasn't changed even in the slightest with his death. My memory and thoughts of him are not marred. But I am sad that his pain was so great. I don't think, for a moment, that he was a weak man. I think he was very strong right up until the point he couldn't find the strength to smile anymore. And at that point, his waning strength doesn't have to mean he was a weak person. A moment of weakness doesn't have to define you.

Mister Williams, I never got the chance to meet you. But I felt the love you had for others through your actions. I am so sorry that you couldn't find peace on this Earth. You left a legacy you likely didn't realize you had. Fond memories will surround you and your loved ones. I wish, for their sake, they can find acceptance and understanding for you. You were loved, you are loved, and you always will be.

Nanoo, Nanoo.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Warped Tour 2014!

This summer, my favorite band announced they'd be playing at Warped Tour. Imagine, if you will, my reaction when I read the Bowling for Soup article. Needless to say, I may have made some unnecessary noise and ran to my computer to buy tickets.

For those of you who don't know, Warped Tour is a big outdoor music festival. 50+ bands come, perform, sell merch, and it's just...overall, very fun. I had never been before but I was excited. Especially since I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see BFS(Bowling for Soup) playing live, let alone get them to sign stuff for me. (Two CDs and my t-shirt, don't hate.)

Also, for those of you who don't know Bowling for Soup, for shame. They're a twenty year old band and I've been listening to them my whole life. You're really missing out. They're amazing guys and they've got some pretty great music. Look them up. Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll be waiting right here. Go. Go on. It's fine.

Anyway, the festival started at 11 A.M. I arrived with my brother and my very good friend at 11:30, we were as prepared as we thought we needed to be because five minutes of research told us the venue would take care of the overheating people.

Disclaimer: Take care of yourself first and never, EVER expect that they'll take care of you.

Anyway, we make our way around this huge venue to try and find my BFS merch tent. It took FOREVER but I finally found it and rushed over to find that no one else was flocking around it. FOR SHAME. I also wanted to figure out when they'd be playing, signing, and all the jazz. Come to find out they played at 1:45. HECK YESSSSSS. Didn't have long to wait! I bought a CD, left the tent, returned shortly after to buy a jelly bracelet, let to find shade and camped out at the stage where they'd perform.

It was just as amazing as I hoped. I got as close as I could and I had a blast. Signing, dancing, being a downright fool. I wish, I WISH, I had had enough sense to actually break out my camera 'cause I didn't get ONE picture. But my brother did, so I'll have him send them to me ^-^

They were funny, every song they played, I knew, so I was prepared. The heat was completely forgotten as I watched and listened to my favorite band play. Their set was over far too soon for me but as soon as it was, I made my way over to the merch tent, bought a Live CD from one of their Manchester shows and a T-shirt before getting in line for signings. The line was soooo long but I was willing to wait!

My brother and I were in line for about...oh, twenty minutes, half an hour, standing in the sun, before I started to feel just slightly dizzy.

Now, backstory, I was VERY familiar with this feeling because of a medical condition I have that causes my main bundle of nerves to suddenly relax when triggered, making the blood rush from my head to my feet, knocking me out in a matter of seconds. It's only happened a few times, but I've come to recognize the signs. Hearing the fades, tunnel vision, the inability to think, jelly legs, loss of motor function, them BAM, down.

This was a bit differently because my normal trigger was not the cause. Heat was the cause. I panicked, pulling my brother out of line and making a beeline for a stand that said 'Water, Gatorade.' I figured, if I could get a cold drink quick enough, I could fight it off and run back to the line.

I waited behind two people, the world beginning to spin as I waited. Finally, it was our turn and all I could do was lean on the cart. The last thing I remember happening was my brother asking how much for a Gatorade and the vendor replying '5 dollars.' I lifted my head and simply said '5 dollars? WHAT?' and over I went. Completely passed out and bowled another person over. (Sorry!)

Apparently, I was only down for a moment before I was sitting back up with people around me, waterbottles galore. I drained one quickly, feeling beginning to return to my body and head. My brother was in my face, concern etched on his as he tried to make sure I wasn't dying, I didn't need to go to the hospital. I was beginning to feel much better but still not perfect.

Then, a woman approached, crouching beside us and informed us that, there was room in their tent for us to use some shade, we were more than welcome to come over.

So, we did. And another Warped Tour adventure began.

The tent was for a band from Mesa that had been selected for Warped Tour's Battle of the Bands. I hadn't paid much attention to that, admittedly, but after sitting in the shade for a while, I asked. Starcross was their name. I listened to one of their songs and, come to find out, their genre is RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. HECK YES.

My brother and I bought t-shirts and got two free CDs, which we listened to at least twice on the way home from the festival.

I was a little worried at the beginning that I was being a burden by being there but after Band Mom(Hi!) insisted I was fine, I made myself comfortable and my brother right along side me. We chatted, we joked, we People-Watched. I like to think that we made some pretty talented friends. But what stood out most to me was how kind everyone was. They didn't know me from any other overheated kid but when I needed help, they were right there to make sure they did everything they could.

I felt genuine kindness from complete strangers that day. (Of course,  I felt it from my band when I finally got signings as well, but this was different.) After a while, it felt like I had a standing invitation to invade on their space whenever I felt uncomfortable or wanted to just chat. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't meet many people like that in such a setting. I might chat with people here and there but then we go our ways, never to see each other again.

I think...I would be extremely sad if I never saw these guys again. They're so talented and so kind, I would be foolish to give up the friends I've started to make. I firmly believe that these people, had I not met them that day, I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun at Warped Tour. Sure, I met my band which was my ultimate goal, but after passing out, all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to be there anymore because I was embarrassed and scared.

They saved me that day. Maybe not as drastic as one might think, but they left a huge impression on me and my brother and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Trish, Kenneth, Sam, everyone else I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember your names, thank you so much. You guys rock and I am so glad to have met all of you, I wouldn't change a thing about that day. Planning to be there for the EP release! :D

Monday, May 19, 2014

I Ain't Even Mad?

Okay, so, again, I've had a few things to ponder the past couple of days on a more personal level.

I've cried, I've been angry, I've splurged on stuff I felt insta-regret for, then I tucked my tail and hoped things would be okay.

My life has always consisted of the same things. Very rarely do I stick up for myself, very rarely do I ever tell people how I really feel about anything.

Most people 'know' me and I always have something to say but I never say anything that hasn't been said before. Not because I am trying to be insincere, but because I know very little people care about anything but surface stuff. At least, when it comes to me.

I prefer to handle problems for others. If someone has something they have to get off their chest, if they need a doormat to stomp on, if they just need a shoulder to cry on, I'm one of the first people to try and be there. To my own downfall, I will take care of others before I even think about myself.

My mental status feels like it teeters between paper thin and non-existent.

I know it's not healthy but I can't always help it. If I try to say something and I get cut off, I stop talking. Obviously, what I have to say is not that important. So I make sure I'm never saying anything important so being ignored doesn't hurt as badly.

I will listen to problems of others, internalize the issue, try to fix it within myself to help them fix it and it just piles on to my own faults and concerns.

Only a few people fully realize how true my comments here have been. And I would have expected that those few people would be the ones to give me the benefit of the doubt when I break, when I can't take it anymore, when I just need someone to leave me alone, or when I need someone to let me call on them like I let everyone else do to me.

And it hurt to know that I don't get that benefit. I could spend every day of my life sweating and crying over taking care of someone else but if there's a time when I don't know how to help or I say something they don't like, I'm so easy to discard and to step all over.

I'm tired of being there for everyone and having no one in my corner. Then my family can't understand why I can't handle being around anyone. It's not fair to them that I've done this to myself but I can't fix my own problems when I have every other problem on the planet thrown at me with the expectation that I will validate, kiss the booboo, and volunteer to be the punching bag.

The more I think about this, the more upset I get. How can I possibly live a life that's not my own? I'm afraid to be in my head with only me because I am terrified to let someone else down. I can't take time for myself, I can't write people off because what if I was the one thing that was helping them?

In truth, I make myself far too important to others when, in actuality, I'm just another face to whine at. I'm just another dog to kick. I'm not a true person to anyone. I'm not the kind of person that people think about when I'm not in their face. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it is.

And, in a way, that's completely normal. I should accept it and call it life. But I have a hard time doing that when I know that so many people run through my mind in a real way every single day and I'm not even in the back of theirs.

I swear, I don't mean this to be a negative, attention grabbing post but hey. I need to think about myself, even if it's for five minutes.

I wish I could say I was done but it's not my personality. I doubt I will ever be done trying to fix people, trying to help and always trying to keep from letting people down. But it gets to be really hard when I have no expectations of anyone and I still get let down.

For once, I want someone to shoot me a text and just say hi because they thought of me without having to prompt an interaction.

For once, I want to be able to know that I can take a break without devastating someone and giving them the impression that I'm selfish or I don't care.

Why am I expected to care twenty-four/seven  when I don't get even five minutes of care from anyone? Life's not fair, I get it, but it makes me really want to just detached and keep my head down, trudging through life with no expectations from anyone or from me.

I guess this is my lot in life. Okay. I just wish I had been given a heads up so I could prepare myself for this.

Friday, May 16, 2014


So, a lot has happened recently.

A lot but not really. It's more like...a lot of different forks are cropping up in my path and I have no idea which direction to take, which fork leads where, which path is really for me.

I thought I knew, I KNEW, what I was going to do with the next few years of my life. I was going for certain stability to start myself off right. Sure, it was going to be tough but I could manage and I'd be better off in five years for it.

But, recently, as in the last few weeks, the certain feeling I had began to crumble. And not just crumble. It was like...I stared at my chosen path and I began to pick out glaring cracks, garbage littering the way. Cigarette butts, empty soda cans, used tissue. There was even a bit of a smell. It was familiar, unpleasant...lingering. What's the smell, you ask? It's a foul secretion from a foul end, so to speak. It burns, it yanks, it revolts. There, just barely on top of it, was a faint mist of a sickly sweetness. Tasty.

Sure, I could see some coins amongst the junk and boy howdy, I bet tons of them are Lincoln side up pennies! Lots of luck there! But...was I really willing to rummage through it all? Did I truly have the tools to get the good out of the rest?

The answer that came to me was unfair, it didn't make me feel good and it left me more confused than anything.

I need to start all over.

But...that's not what I wanted to hear at all. I have made my decision and I intended to stick to it because that's what I need to do to get ahead in life. Then another thought came to me. Would I really be getting ahead in life or would I just be postponing, killing time until another chapter forced itself open?

The more I thought about my future, imagined it and pictured it, I didn't like what I saw. And the last time I had a feeling like this, where I couldn't picture anything good, I ended up being correct in realizing my happiness was at stake.

'No...I really must be trying to talk myself out of it. This is my CHOICE. I have always had a choice and this is what I want. It's what I need. Right?'

This back and forth has been bouncing through my mind ever since my dilemma has reared its ugly head. It's constantly in my head, constantly making me question and doubt myself. I know a bit of it comes from my own lack of self-confidence but another part comes from a much deeper understanding I have. An understanding that, while many opportunities will come to me, some seeming to be fantastic and wonderful, everything comes with worms. But I don't need to put up with every worm in my apple.

Every path has cracks and has some form of junk on it. But this one that I had chosen, it didn't belong to me. It was meant for someone else. My path is littered with something much different. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just need to allow myself to believe it.

I don't know what's in my path yet. But I know that a day is coming, and it'll be soon, that I need to choose one way or another. And I'll need to live with my decision and the consequences that follow(i.e., the junk, the cracks, the cigarette butts.)

This is much more difficult that I ever thought, even having the support that I do. Obligation, the urge for independence, the need to be self-sufficient, these things are both a blessing and a curse. They make decisions so hard, especially when you take a clear, considered future and try to throw it aside to take a path you've spent no real time considering.

But the path that has been considered, prayed over, offered, does not offer fulfillment for me. It offers fleeting happiness.

I suppose all paths are like that though, aren't they? Every decision has pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. No life will be easy, no road is going to be perfectly paved. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to dance over the cracks, pick up the junk on my way, trip and stumble over rocks and weeds.

But I am afraid to make a decision and find myself stuck. Find myself in a place I am so apathetic towards, I have no desire to make changes for myself. I can't live that way, no matter what obligation says. No matter what the pros say, the cons cost far too much for my mental health.

Is this a fleeting fear? I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But I'm seeing many things in a new light and it concerns me. I have a vision of where I want to be in any given amount of time. And this path promises getting me to point A, but where does it leave me when time runs out for point B? What about point C?

I don't believe in point B1, point C2. No. I want my road to have milestones I can shoot for. Not ones that I need to quickly decide on because my chances for the others have gone away. That's not fair to me. And for once, I think I want to do something that's fair to me.

Is that so wrong?


So, this blog post will end with me putting on my boots, taking a deep breath, still staring at the forks in front of me. What has been decided?

I will chase after my own happiness. I will stumble on the way, I'll notice other faults in me and my choices. But I will do the best I can and I feel like I will be more fulfilled if I am patient and let myself explore a different way.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Survivor: The Piranha Pool

So, the phrase, 'dog eat dog world,' I never really understood it until the harsh reality of being an adult hit me in the gut. Granted, I'm a young adult, so young, in fact, that I still have 'teen' in my age. But, despite that, I like to think that I know a few things.

One such thing that I know? Survivor SUCKS.

Ever seen that show? A bunch of 'random' folks end up in some dramatic situation and have to, well, survive in order to win the...hundred buck prize or a poster or something. While we watch from our comfy sofas in our fat pants, that just so happen to have some Cheeto powder on them in the shape of smeary fingerprints, we watch these people perform tasks, fight to win, make alliances, stab in the back and chalk it up to entertainment.

Wait, is Survivor still airing? I dunno.

Well, in any case, it USED to be something a lot of people loved to watch. But it's not so fun to live, especially in every day life.

Forming friendships in a scary place doesn't always mean good things. If you're thrown into the deep end of the Piranha pool and told to get to swimmin', you're bound to get hurt in a big way. You find ways to adapt, but you learn the hard way that none of those goldfish with teeth can be trusted.

What happens at that point? Well, when you 'adapt,' you either start growing gills and filing teeth or you pray to God you can get out with all your favorite appendages.

I feel as if I've managed to get my way to the edge, find a comfortable little bubble that allows me to interact and go about my business somewhat merrily. Unfortunately, something I didn't seem to understand the first time around, PIRANHAS HAVE SHARP FREAKING TEETH. A comfort bubble doesn't stand a chance. Why does the beastly fish feel the need to attack? To preserve itself. You're a threat, even when they trust you and it goes the other way for you as well. They're a threat, even when not immediately so.

Survival of the fittest isn't as entertaining when you realize how much it applies to so many facets in life. While my personal life has been returning to it's happy and comfortable place, there are other aspects of my life that I find are having surprising stresses and upsets. I don't like not knowing where I stand. I don't like not knowing who I can trust because it seems that people keep giving me reasons to stop opening my mouth to anyone that isn't me. I can't sell myself out, I can't misinterpret my own thoughts. I can trust myself, usually.

Anyway, I guess this post is mainly to say that, as much as it sucks sometimes, be true to yourself and don't be afraid of loyalty.

Being loyal doesn't make you a bad person or any less of a fantastic folk. Sometimes it might not always be positive or popular, it's scary and sometimes hard, but when you find a way to survive in this crazy game without losing yourself and turning into a monster, hold onto it tight.

I'm still struggling to see where I stand and what exactly my place is but when I know, I hope that I'll have to personal strength to be the person I want to be.

Try to inspire people to be better in all places.

You never know who is watching.

If you do your best, you'll find that there is always something better than the worst thing you've encountered. Keep striving to find that 'better.' Don't give up, you never know how close you are if you stop searching.

Also, it's okay to be careful who you trust. Don't spill your soul to everyone who will listen. Wait to find the ones that aren't just looking for dirt to get you voted off the island.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Getting back on the horse called Life

Alright, well, here goes. The past few months, a lot has gone on. A lot has been decided on, whether it be a decision I made or one that someone else made involving me, but in any case, many things have popped up in my life and then disappeared. I'm now 19 years old and, although I used to know, I'm on the path of finding myself again.

For a long while, a lot of who I was just fell dormant. I'm not sure how it happened but one day, I found that I didn't want to bother writing anymore. I didn't want to challenge myself to put to paper the words that are already in my head, even though they've been there for years. I found that I didn't want to read anything that took longer than five minutes. All I wanted to do in my free time was numb my mind with Netflix. I still had a testimony of my faith but it was faint.

It got a burst when I received my Patriarchal blessing but then, in time, that spiritual lift left as well. I went to church, I tried to pay tithing whenever I had money, I went to mutual, I finished my Personal Progress and I always did whatever I was asked in the church. I gave talks in church to the congregation, I teach my little children how to develop their own testimonies yet I was numb. I believed, I knew it was all true but I had no real burning desire to grow or advance my knowledge.

 In other words, the Kayelee that was grew into a Kayelee that didn't have passion about anything in any real sense.

 I wasn't content to live my life doing nothing but I didn't have a whole lot of drive to follow through with anything. I graduated high school and, while I wanted to get to college, I didn't have any drive to pursue. I wanted a job because I like working, I like making my own money and paying my bills but I had no desire to REALLY find a job most of the time.

 I allowed myself to get discouraged in many ways.

 Now, my life was never all darkness and gloom. I have a family that loves me entirely and I adore them even when they might not know it. I have a few friends that have made it clear they love me and want to see me happy.

I have a loving church family that wants nothing more than to see me succeed after they watched me grow up. I had all these wonderful supports that I NEVER UTILIZED.

 I mentioned earlier about not being content, but at the same time, I was content. I kind of assumed that my life would be kickstarted soon enough when specific events began to play out. Well, that's not nearly good enough. So, what exactly was wrong with my life?

  1. I had no job
 2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER 
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so. 
4. I took my easy life for granted. 
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions. 
6. I let my morals relax just enough 
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past. 
8. I had no faith in humanity. (Well, I still don't, really, but have you SEEN humanity lately?) 
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.

 A few weeks before Christmas 2013, I got a call that I was excited to get but I also dreaded a little bit.

The manager at my local PetSmart got my job application and passed it along to another manager in his store. She wanted to hire me. In less than a week, I was employed.

It was fast and shocking and wonderful. I was told I was going to be a bather in the grooming salon. Not what I had applied for, but I was grateful to have a job opportunity. A part-time job opportunity, but a job opportunity anyway.

 I learned quickly that most of the people I'd come to work with regularly were people I, for the most part, was happy to associate with. Most of us don't share any of the same values, but many of them treated me kindly, taught me and I found a lot of respect for them.

 Unfortunately, I had absolutely no experience in this field. None at all, besides being a pet owner, I had never even thought of working with animals. So, the first few weeks were incredibly difficult. I often wondered if I'd be able to continue or if I just needed to settle and apply for a job I considered easy in comparison, a job I knew I didn't want.

 I still struggle, some days are horrifying but others, most of the time, are extremely pleasant, filled with laughter, doggy kisses, and a whole lot of water, not to mention the toenail trimmings.

But I've come to the point where, while I know this is not my last stop on my career train, I don't despise my work. I'm still grateful for the job, the opportunities, and the skills I've been learning. I don't contemplate applying to everywhere on the planet to escape my workplace. I find that I do enjoy my job even if I'm less fond of the drama that comes with working in small spaces with ten people.

 Recently, I had the pleasure to train in another bather. She's a very sweet girl, I'm glad to consider her a friend even though we've known each other for a few weeks only. The funny thing was, and I don't know if she'll ever know this, but knowing her has helped my testimony and my actions.

When I would get frustrated at work, it was far too easy for me to slip up and behave in a way that I didn't want to. I wanted to stand out, even if it was for being innocent and 'uncorrupted' but how could I want to teach these people, my coworkers, that this was how I was and how I wanted to be seen if I didn't show it all the time?

If I didn't set an example and live my beliefs, how could I go about trying to live my life those ways everywhere but work?

 If my PROFESSIONAL persona wasn't up to snuff with how I was at home, was it worth having a persona at all? I never wanted to be one that bent the rules to fit in or compromised what I knew to be right so I didn't stand out.

 When my new bather came in, I noticed that she had a softer demeanor, she spoke carefully, she was pleasant, and she wasn't afraid to talk of God in her life.

I was amazed.

I knew I wanted to be better and I had started on that path, but I didn't realize how much I needed someone to MAKE me WANT to be a better example. My managers expected professionalism around customers, but when it was the groomers alone, it was like chatting with bar buddies.

Don't get me wrong, I love the relaxed atmosphere but I had no one that encouraged me to better until this girl came in. Come to find out, this girl was raised in the same religion I was.

She had the same knowledge of the same values. She's got her own struggles right now but most of her issues come from hypocrisy within the religion.


 Not only do I have a girl who's got a sweet, nice nature that inspires me to be better, but now, I want to show her that it's very possible to have a happy life within the church and to help inspire her faith again. How can I sing the virtues of the church if I WON'T ACT LIKE I BELIEVE IN THEM?

 Since knowing her, since deciding to be a good example for, not only her, but everyone I meet, I have found the love for my faith. The gratitude for my knowledge, the strength of my testimony,all because my Heavenly Father sent someone to me to HELP ME while allowing me to help her.

 So, in a matter of weeks, I had a job that I valued, that allowed me to handle my responsibilities, as well as the ability to firm my own foundation in my core beliefs that I am building for my life.

  1. I had no job 
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER 
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so. 
4. I took my easy life for granted. 
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions. 
6. I let my morals relax just enough 
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past. 
8. I had no faith in humanity.  
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.

 Suddenly, I could find that in my spare time, I was becoming CONTENT and HAPPY.

 It's funny, when you have some sort of proof that life is beginning to change for the better, you have a stronger desire to sort out the rest.

 Unfortunately, sometimes, they get sorted in ways that we don't expect or want.

 Shortly after the beginning of the year, as I was settling into my job and beginning to get my life started, a shocking upset sunk my heart straight to my feet.

The person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with decided that he had no interest in any of it anymore.

At this point, I don't know if he ever did, but I know that I made a lot of things easy for him. When I began to make things uncomfortable or 'difficult,' there was nothing good enough to make it better.

 I still hurt in this regard, especially as I dissect the situation constantly. I mourn my own loss, I cry for my own foolishness and the ability I had given someone to hurt me so badly. As much as I kick myself for wasting my time for so long, I'm, surprisingly, not too bitter about it. I'm simply done.

I keep myself busy and I'm beginning to open myself up to the realization that this was completely necessary for me to be truly happy. In my sadness, I've turned a lot of energy to my job as well as tending to my affairs at home.

 I recently began the process of organizing my room and, in that process, discovered that, over the years, I had collected more books than I ever realized. When I started tearing up after discovering that I had specific books and didn't find others I expected, I remembered the love I have for reading. The love I have for losing myself in a world that forces me to see things from someone else's perspective, to jump into magical worlds, to face the horrors and dangers in someone else's mind.

 Around the same time I had rediscovered my adoration of the written word, the rest of my own story came to me. I know how it's going to end, how it's supposed to be wrapped up. Having this entire story in my head, I know how the drive to write it down and share it with anyone interested.

Even if no one was interested, it would be a huge testament to myself, the physical result of a long-standing goal, the beginning to much more.

 I've also started to save money so I can go spend a few weeks in Ireland. I have never had much interest in travelling, but I have always wanted to see the green hills, the awe-inspiring castles, meet some of the people I would otherwise miss out on.

I also decided to use this trip as a reward. I'll save up for a few years and when I graduate with my degree(I haven't decided how far to go yet) in Early Childhood Development, I'll go to Ireland before jumpstarting my career. (I'm looking to get started in classes this fall or next spring. Saving money to do so, funny enough.)

 I also had a strange urge. I was walking along in Walmart and I came across all of the cake decorating items. I used to love decorating cakes, baking, experimenting with flavors and different recipes. Now, if I cook or bake, it's out of need and there's very little I can actually play around with. I almost considered spending every penny I had on supplies to bake and decorate cakes in serious manner.

I still intend to, I just need to find a time when I came spend a few hours to make a nice cake from scratch and make the fondant, roll it, make edible flowers and all of these little things that I've discovered I really want to do.

 And, for once in a long time, I have a positive feeling about the outcome with most of these things. Sure, I'm a little afraid that college won't be as easy for me as I hope, but otherwise, I'm confident that I WILL graduate, I WILL find a successful career and I WILL be happy.

The bumps in the road, the curveballs, none of that can hurt me for long. I see where I'm going.

  I can see my future and it gets closer with every day, every step.

 Funny how the events in a few months can change who we are, how we see the world, and how we feel about the good, the bad, and the ugly.

  1. I had no job 
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER 
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so. 
4. I took my easy life for granted. 
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
6. I let my morals relax just enough 
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past. 
8. I had no faith in humanity.  
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.


That list, it certainly looks like my problems are getting handled, doesn't it?

I know life will never be 'easy,' but it's certainly easier to look forward to things, to have hope, to believe in positivity.

 So, I'm hoping to blog two or three times a week, as well as working on getting my stories on paper and getting back into soaking up the stories of others.

 I am happy, even at my saddest point, I'm grateful for my life, my family, I'm grateful to be me.

I know where I'm going and, while I might not know how it's all going to come to pass, I know it will.

I know some choices will be made for me and I'll have my own to make, but I can handle it.

  I know it.

 I believe it. 

I believe in me for once.