Monday, May 1, 2017

Mental Fragility

Okay, so it seems like most of the times I blog right now, it's on fragile nights. I have to accept that for what it is. One day, maybe a steady stream of positivity but not yet.

Tonight is a mental fragility night. I'm feeling very low. For really no reason. I feel alone even though I know I'm not. Logic doesn't matter when anxiety and depression take over your brain. Changing jobs has helped so much, I don't come home angry or upset so I am very grateful for that. But I guess that wasn't enough.

I don't know what will be enough. I hope that one day, one bad interaction won't destroy my mental state and leave me physically ill because I have to fix it and feel helpless.

I honestly think it's just a bad night but it makes me want to close myself off further. Bury myself into a dark hole in my mind until I cease to exist. These nights are hard.

I don't have any insight or witty remarks. I'm just...tired. The loud chaos upsets my mind and the silence is not okay.It scares me, because then, I have to face my own demons when I would rather keep running.

I don't know what the right answer is. Tomorrow will be another day, I'll get up, I'll go to work, I'll come home, probably lock myself in my room and take a nap before class tomorrow night, because my emotional stamina won't be back to what it needs to be yet.

But I'll get back to my normal eventually then it's a waiting game until fragility makes me splinter again.

It's a vicious circle, and each time it comes around, I try to be better about it in the future. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, my solutions, make it worse. Then I learn from it.

Well, learn as much as I can.

I'm sorry to the people who have to deal with me all the time. I try to make it as easy and painless as possible, I'm working on it. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What does insecurity do?

I was thinking about insecurities the other day, namely, my own. But instead of wallowing, I was trying to put into words what insecurity is for me and what it does in my own life. Not for pity, but so maybe people can understand me a little bit better.

For me, insecurity means being completely comfortable with a group of people, a group of friends, but policing myself physically and vocally for an unfounded fear that everyone is looking at me, to judge, to dislike me.

The problem I struggle with is logically, I know that these people are my friends, new, old. They aren't looking at me to scrutinize. They want me to be involved and play, have fun with them, instead of being on the sidelines. If, for some reason, they are watching and judging, then they likely won't breathe a word of it to me. That says more about them than it actually does about who I am.

But logic doesn't matter to insecurities. You can tell yourself 'til you're blue in the face that you have nothing to worry about, the a nagging scream in your head, that you can't turn off, will say otherwise.

'They like me. They just want me to join in. I should join in.'

'But you're fat, they think you're weird. They're just being nice. No one really wants you around.' 

'That's not true and I know it. They seek me out.'

'Out of obligation because you're always around anyway! They can't get rid of you, so just stay put, don't talk because they don't really want to hear it.'

That's how the conversation usually goes in my head, just varies by situation. I've been learning how to ignore the voice but most of the time, I just try to pretend it isn't there, even if that's all I can do. Sometimes, the insecurities win and I just make excuses as to why I don't participate more. That's my own baggage to deal with, not anyone else's.

When I do talk to people and participate, I often have a similiar dialogue going on at all times.

'Quit rambling, they're not even listening anymore. You're holding them socially hostage! They think you're weird and you talk an awful lot.'

So, I often end up apologizing for speaking too much. If I do this, please understand that I am just trying to make everyone as comfortable as possible.

For my friends that 'put up with me,' thank you. It really does mean a lot to have friends even though I don't think I should have them. Please understand that when I make excuses, or apologize, it has to do with my own insecurities, not you. Please don't stop trying to get me to join the conversation, play the game, go out and about. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Thank you for being patient with me, you have more patience with myself than I have, so your patience does help smother the insecurity.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A Whale is Gonna Die (No Matter What You Choose) -Rhett and Link

 I've had a lot to consider for the last few months. Lots of changes at work, some I liked and others I really didn't. I feel like I've grown as a person and my understanding for what I want from others has deepened, I would say.

 I've learned more about myself and what my skills are as well as how they can grow with even just a little bit of time.

 I'd like to say that I've made changes in my personal life but, let's be real, what personal life?

 That's part of my problem as of late. I work, I go home and sleep, watch some Youtube, go to church, work. That's pretty much my life lately. And I see others who can work and go to school at the same time as well as everything else people do. I'm having a very hard time being motivated to do more than just exist and go through the motions.

 I force myself to go out with people just to get out of my house. I always have a nice time but I never really want to go unless I've had an unusually positive day. I have plans that I would love to back out of but, at the same time, why should I? I know I'm going to regret cancelling my plans if I tried to. But then that means less sleep. Not that I need it, I just feel exhausted all the time. Emotionally more than anything. The physical tiredness that is my life is just what I see as my normal, the emotional deficiency is the thing that affects me.

 That's probably not the right term, but that's the best I got. I'm tired of drama. My personality has become that of someone that does nothing but complain. I can't sit in silence but my brain isn't some place of sunshine, so the negative comes out. I don't want to be that person. Even as I write this, I have music blaring so loud in my ears that I can't even hear myself sing along to the music. It's an awesome feeling for someone who is truly afraid of silence.

 Only a few times in my adult life have I experienced a comfortable silence. I'm terrified to be alone with my thoughts, so I constantly speak. I don't even need the attention that comes with it, I've been caught talking to myself so I can focus on anything else but the silence.

 When it's quiet, the loneliness hits, the self loathing, the doubt. The issues I've been having at work have only compounded my mental instability. If I didn't know better, I would throw around the term 'bi-polar.' But I don't have those high highs that come with it. I feel like most days I'm pretty level if I don't think too much, don't face the silence. On the days that I do force myself to sit in silence and contemplate, it takes me days to pull out of it.

 Unfortunately, today's events have put me in a place where I acknowledge that I need change and I want to go for it, but I don't want to lose the things that I know are good in my life because the bad is beating me. I can't trust that my situation is stable enough anymore. I can't keep being dismissed and disregarded when it comes to what I see as serious issues.

 I already don't tell people all the things that bounce around my think space, so when I do speak up about something that truly bothers me and I want fixed, it makes me crazy to be cut down so low so quickly. You can't pretend that you care or that you respect me when you do that.

 I need out. The worst part is, I know I'm not the only one in this situation. Some of us have already gotten out and good for them. They're happy now. I want that. I love what I do, the bonds that I have made, but I can't deal with this hypocrisy any more. I want to stand up for myself but it's very hard to talk myself up to it when I know exactly how it will go, just like it always has before.

 Don't dismiss me. I'm an adult that can be spoken to and can be reasoned with, I assume you are as well. Have the same respect for me that I brought to you. Your way or the highway? Maybe the highway leads to better roads for me now. I'll see you around because, on a personal level, I do like you. I don't respect you the way that your position demands, because you don't respect me the way my humanity demands.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be the only one coming to this conclusion and maybe that will be better for you in the long run, as well as those of us that felt this didn't fit anymore. We were a dysfunctioning family, sure, but you didn't swoop in and fix us. You drove us further apart and told us to deal. You made me feel so small so many times and you probably have no idea because how could I tell you?

 You don't take things I say seriously. If you did at one point, it's certainly not anything that stuck with you, and that's fine. It is what it is. I don't need special treatment but don't pretend we're one thing when we're really not. You're not doing me any favors, not that you owe me anything but I don't owe you anything more than what I'm paid for. So, why do I want to keep going above and beyond to the point of utter exhaustion and upset when it doesn't matter?

 I don't care anymore. I'm still considering my next few steps but this isn't how I wanted my life to be. I think 'miserable' is too strong of a word but I don't think I know what peace is anymore and I need to focus on finding that for myself over doing all your honey-do's. '

 This didn't really make me feel any better, but I didn't expect it to. I just needed to get it out, and thank you to those of you who listen to me complain all the time. I know you have your own things to deal with and sometimes, I'm intense and exhausting to you. I'm sorry. I'm doing the best that I can with what I've got right now, which isn't much. So, bare with me a little longer, please.