Friday, August 19, 2016

Future: Pending

So tonight, I sit at my newly rearranged room, still adjusting to how the change while listening to My Chemical Romance.

Yeah, one of those nights.

Well, I guess that doesn't mean much, I've always listened to this kind of music no matter how I felt. I was surprised to find out how emo my  music tastes were when I was a kid. Where did that come from? My parents are all about hairbands and country. I mean, I'm not super picky when it comes to music but I do have my comfort zone, emo music and like...skater punk? I don't know how to classify it. Essentially, I listen to Bowling for Soup and Panic! at the Disco all the time.


Anyway. Back to my rearranged room.

I'm handling the change pretty well, considering I didn't have much say in how things went with the change. When things change in my life, I have a crisis. I'm working on it but I do NOT like when things are different than they should be, even if it was not functional beforehand. Logically, I understand far more than my mind believes? Logic doesn't mean anything when you're crazy though, so there's that.

The last few months, I've been making an effort to push out of my comfort zone. Tonight is just a weak moment and I'll get over it. But nights like tonight, I can't be proud of what I have tried to do the last few months.

I've been trying to be more comfortable by myself in general so maybe when I am alone, I'm not sinking into an existential crisis. It's been helping for the most part. I'll go places by myself where I would normally choose to just stay home to avoid the panic of being alone. I'll make plans for just me and I'll be unapologetic. If someone decides to tag along, great! If not, I've already mentally prepared myself.

I'll say yes to things that absolutely terrify me, even though I know it's a dumb thing to be scared of. I let one of my friends cut my hair the other day. That is a huge deal for me. And I've loved the result. It was nothing too drastic and she was very careful to communicate the entire time with me so I was prepared, even before the actual cutting took place.

The last time I got a haircut, I was bold (for me) and told my mom to cut off like...six inches. I had a panic attack and almost cried the moment I felt the scissors. Why? I've never been attached to the hair. It's the change. So this time, it was a big deal for me to not cry after cutting my hair.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I barely knew and actually had a really nice night. Then I went out the next night to meet a group of internet friends. Again, HUGE for me. I'm the kind of person that needs months to get comfortable with someone before I'll even consider inviting them over or meeting them somewhere by myself.

I registered for a summer class with a friend and even though she stopped going, I finished it out by myself. I even registered for the semester class by myself.

I've tried to focus more on people who have made an effort on me as well instead of chasing people who like to be chased and it's been far more fruitful. I hope to keep up with that as well.

I've got a rough draft of the next year in my head and we'll see how that shapes up but I'm still feeling 'good' about it.

I mean, I don't really feel good about anything right NOW but in general, I'm pretty okay, I guess. I have plenty I need to still do and maybe that'll help me in leaps and bounds. But I'm still pretty terrified about a lot of things.  Don't know why, don't have good reason for it but I'm trying to slowly push past that bit of fear.

Some days, I do better than others. Today was good while I was busy. But then it started slowing down and it kind of went downhill from there. Maybe I'm getting sick as well, I don't know. I just have to get through tomorrow then I have a few days off, maybe recover myself a little. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things lately. Nights like this don't help. But I'll suck it up, I'll go to work tomorrow and I'll be as pleasant as I can be until I get to go home and then take a break from life. It's not even terrible or's just tiring and I'm having a rough go. For no real reason in particular, so that's fun.

Whatever. Time to feed my God complex and play some Sims.