Thursday, September 17, 2015

Another Sleepless Night

I look at my clock in the corner of my computer screen and kick myself when I realize it's really 4:18 a.m. Ugh. Why am I not sleeping? I haven't slept well in a long time, at least, not without some sort of sleep aid. Of course, I didn't take any last night and now it's waaay too late if I want to be a functioning person tomorrow, so, here I am. Just BSing on my blog until I start babbling incoherently.

Life is pretty stagnant, but it feels different. Not too bad. Maybe because it's nearing the end of the year and the last three months of the year, I just pretend life is all skeletons, stuffed turkey, pie, and presents.

4:20 now. Blaze it.

I chuckle stupidly to myself at a really dumb joke. This is pretty much my life currently. I know this won't stay this way forever, but goodness. When the heck am I going to learn to tell a good joke? Seriously? I didn't sign up to get a lifetime of bad jokes.

Been listening to Bowling for Soup for the last hour, getting even more HYPED for this upcoming Monday night, gonna see them in Scottsdale and I got meet'n'greet passes with Will. It's gonna be a good night. I'm willing to bet it'll probably be one of the best nights of my life up to this point. To be honest, I've been looking forward to this concert all year. It's really the only thing that's had any excitement for me in a long time. I get emotional thinking about it.

I hate emotions. Not even a little bit. Nine times out of ten, I wish I didn't have 'em. I wanna be Data. 'That is illogical, Captain.'

Then again, I'd probably have short circuited by now, so, I guess it's good that as a living person, the shelf life is a little better.

What? I don't really know what 'shelf life' is supposed to mean as a person. Conjured up a vision of people Stepford Wives style in a boutique on the shelves, waiting to get purchased. No thanks.

4:25 now.

See how my thought process goes when I'm left to my own devices? It just goes on and on and on. It's never that I'm NOT tired, I just can't ever get to sleep. And when I can, I feel like I have to get as much sleep as possible.

So, you can see my problem. I don't get enough sleep but when I do sleep, I sleep too much at the wrong time. Fffffff.

You know what? I'm gonna take a couple of days off here shortly, like, two days or something, and I'm just gonna drive for the two days. Blaring my music, leaving my phone off and just being alone with myself and my tunes to recalibrate. I think a good vacation is needed. I've never really 'needed' a vacation. Sure I've needed breaks but I think you take vacations when you need a break from life.

And that's not a morbid comment. Nothing like that. My depression has been in check lately, oddly enough, but I'm not needing a break from life in a bad sense like that. Just...a break. A roadtrip with myself and non-stop music. Nothing to think about, just scenery to take in and lyrics to appreciate.

'Let's make this interesting and start all over.' Ah, Bowling for Soup. Most of my friends don't understand or even know this band. They've been a pretty consistent part of my life since I was nine years old. With the blessing of technology, I have the illusion that these guys are actually friends to me. I cherish that idea. These songs, some silly, some heartbreaking, some just warm in general, have done a lot in my life. I never really realize how much until I hear a song and different memories and emotions flood my mind.

Even if I cry, I do love it. I probably always will.

4:34. Why am I still rambling? None of this is important or even an update on anything I've written before. It's just words that are in my head. I should probably be writing all this in like...a notepad on my desktop or something but whatever. I think like...four people read my blog anyway, so, no big deal.

Whoops. Just spent the last two minutes scrolling through FB mindlessly, giggling at Amy Poehler. I love her. And I love Tina Fey. Like...if I could get a peek at myself twenty years from now, I would hope to be like them, even if it is like Tina from 30 Rock. I already relate to Liz Lemon, so, that's not a problem with me.

In face, I WANT to be Liz Lemon. I want to write sketch comedy scripts. You know what? Maybe I should start working on my cartoon script. It's on my bucket list. Write a script for a cartoon. I've been surprised at how many people told me they would read that script if I wrote it. I know I'm good at writing skits and things like that, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be that hard but goodness.

I should do that. I really should. Base it on a grooming salon and have someone illustrate for me. Maybe just do like a comic series. Oh my goodness. I wanna do that.  I can't draw so I need someone to illustrate, but I can write a grooming comic. Easily. EASILY.

I was gonna write a comic with Kenny and Kevin one time. It was gonna be about the three of us. Whoops. That never happened for various reasons. Might be a little weird now if we tried that. Just a lil' bit.

So, I'll do it. I'll write a comic on my own. The dialogue, setting, all that fun stuff. Then after a few of those, maybe I'll do the cartoon script. Eventually, I want to write skits for like...sketch comedy. Like SNL or something. I could do that. Not gonna lie, but I do have a bit of a knack for writing skits and coming up with things like that on the fly. I can do it. I just need to do it. I'm gonna do it.

4:44. Can I make a wish? If I fall asleep tonight, don't let me forget that I do truly want to do these things and that they'd be easy for me to accomplish. The harder things need me to start with the easy and just keep moving. I need to get momentum with my writing.

Shut Up and Smile-Bowling for Soup.

That's what I'm ending my blog post on tonight. A surprisingly positive outlook for my tired state and new goals that don't require me to do anything before accomplishing. All I have to do is

4:47. Shoot. Almost 5. Is it really too late to take my sleeping pill?