Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Should be in bed...

Okay, okay. I know it's late and I need to sleep, but I feel like there are so many things I need to say to so many people. I'm quite content with my life now, but as I look at all my old friends, I see their lives going on right in front of me, and they've chosen to keep me out of it. I can't help but hurt when I see that.

Another thing that really bothers me, what's up with the whole 'Oh, 2011 will change my life for the better! It'll be amazing!' Maybe I'm just a pessimist ( or realist, to some people) but I don't see the appeal. My life will not change one single iota when the clock turns to midnight on New Year's. I mean, I'll still have the same struggles, the same insecurities, the same frusterations from the little things. I guess I have a hard time understanding people I no longer know. Is that such a bad thing, though?

Sometimes I wonder, how close am I to letting go of everyone that has made it clear that they don't need or want me in their life? How close am I to being okay with it all? I get to a point where I'm thrilled and I'm glad to have a new friend, but then I feel as if I reliving the same problems I had with other people I considered friends and I can't prevent it. Maybe it's just my personality and I'll get used to it.

What if it takes me thirty years though? Will I have a good month, then a month where I cry over things I've already cried a river for? I can't stand that. Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm not depressed because I can feel happiness and joy, which I've experienced so much in the past few weeks, but then, when I'm all alone and it's quiet, the voices in my head start replaying situations, feeding off of little bits of information I get, or lack thereof. It's driving me insane. I hate it.

I know that when I wake up, I'll have a fresh perspective and I'll go back to my regular feelings of 'Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they have before it's too late with their new friends.' I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.

P.S. I'm so sorry for this. I get infuriated when I read whiney posts like mine. I just can't talk to myself anymore. *laugh*