Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Sometimes, memories hit me like a train. They come out of nowhere, triggered by insignificance, but it sends me down a mental rabbit hole.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. I replay visions of when we had fun and some of the things I had seen on your face. I hear words you said, the times you laughed. I remember silly inside jokes, yarns we liked to spin, tales we enjoyed to tell. I feel the peace and happiness.

Sometimes, they make me sad. I feel the darkness left behind, I remember the fights. I remember how I hurt and how I would constantly wonder if you felt the same. I remember being dismissed or being ignored. I remember feeling alone when I should have felt anything but.

Sometimes, I feel indifferent to the memories. Like...watching the boring part of a movie, where you know something is coming, be it good or bad, but you're just waiting.

Sometimes, I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Was I in the wrong? Was there something I did? Did I say something? Or was it all you? Maybe I should have cut ties a lot sooner.

Sometimes, I think about the future, things we had talked about, even in passing. Were any of those ever possible? Were they just dreams that meant nothing more than to fill the conversation?

Sometimes, I watch people go by me and I feel like I stand still. I watch you stand still.

Sometimes, I feel like it's your fault. Things could be different if you were different. If I were different.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will continue to attack at random. If you didn't happen, then I wouldn't have my bad memories. But I wouldn't have the happy either. Is it worth it?

I wonder if you ever think about these things too, even sometimes.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Future: Pending

So tonight, I sit at my newly rearranged room, still adjusting to how the change while listening to My Chemical Romance.

Yeah, one of those nights.

Well, I guess that doesn't mean much, I've always listened to this kind of music no matter how I felt. I was surprised to find out how emo my  music tastes were when I was a kid. Where did that come from? My parents are all about hairbands and country. I mean, I'm not super picky when it comes to music but I do have my comfort zone, emo music and like...skater punk? I don't know how to classify it. Essentially, I listen to Bowling for Soup and Panic! at the Disco all the time.


Anyway. Back to my rearranged room.

I'm handling the change pretty well, considering I didn't have much say in how things went with the change. When things change in my life, I have a crisis. I'm working on it but I do NOT like when things are different than they should be, even if it was not functional beforehand. Logically, I understand far more than my mind believes? Logic doesn't mean anything when you're crazy though, so there's that.

The last few months, I've been making an effort to push out of my comfort zone. Tonight is just a weak moment and I'll get over it. But nights like tonight, I can't be proud of what I have tried to do the last few months.

I've been trying to be more comfortable by myself in general so maybe when I am alone, I'm not sinking into an existential crisis. It's been helping for the most part. I'll go places by myself where I would normally choose to just stay home to avoid the panic of being alone. I'll make plans for just me and I'll be unapologetic. If someone decides to tag along, great! If not, I've already mentally prepared myself.

I'll say yes to things that absolutely terrify me, even though I know it's a dumb thing to be scared of. I let one of my friends cut my hair the other day. That is a huge deal for me. And I've loved the result. It was nothing too drastic and she was very careful to communicate the entire time with me so I was prepared, even before the actual cutting took place.

The last time I got a haircut, I was bold (for me) and told my mom to cut off like...six inches. I had a panic attack and almost cried the moment I felt the scissors. Why? I've never been attached to the hair. It's the change. So this time, it was a big deal for me to not cry after cutting my hair.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I barely knew and actually had a really nice night. Then I went out the next night to meet a group of internet friends. Again, HUGE for me. I'm the kind of person that needs months to get comfortable with someone before I'll even consider inviting them over or meeting them somewhere by myself.

I registered for a summer class with a friend and even though she stopped going, I finished it out by myself. I even registered for the semester class by myself.

I've tried to focus more on people who have made an effort on me as well instead of chasing people who like to be chased and it's been far more fruitful. I hope to keep up with that as well.

I've got a rough draft of the next year in my head and we'll see how that shapes up but I'm still feeling 'good' about it.

I mean, I don't really feel good about anything right NOW but in general, I'm pretty okay, I guess. I have plenty I need to still do and maybe that'll help me in leaps and bounds. But I'm still pretty terrified about a lot of things.  Don't know why, don't have good reason for it but I'm trying to slowly push past that bit of fear.

Some days, I do better than others. Today was good while I was busy. But then it started slowing down and it kind of went downhill from there. Maybe I'm getting sick as well, I don't know. I just have to get through tomorrow then I have a few days off, maybe recover myself a little. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things lately. Nights like this don't help. But I'll suck it up, I'll go to work tomorrow and I'll be as pleasant as I can be until I get to go home and then take a break from life. It's not even terrible or bad...it's just tiring and I'm having a rough go. For no real reason in particular, so that's fun.

Whatever. Time to feed my God complex and play some Sims.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Is Anyone REALLY That Surprised That This is an Angry Post Again?

I want to break the cycle of blogging only when I'm in a really bad way or fantastically good but never in between, That cycle is not broken this evening, so...sorry.

There has been so much change going on lately and, while that alone makes me uncomfortable, is literally the LAST of my concerns.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I'm finding that I'm very underappreciated in life lately. I feel like I'm only as important as what people can get from me. As a person who wants to make people happy, even to my own falling already, this is devastating.

I know it's a fault of mine and it's something I should know better on how to avoid at this point but I don't. Or, I don't stop it. I want people to like me. I want to genuinely get along with people but it's more of what I've always dealt with.

I'm only around as long as someone can get something out of me. As soon as I defend myself or decide to say something they won't like, I'm not needed.

Well, at work, I've always been someone helpful. No matter what the job was, I always tried to make it a pleasant environment for everyone.

Two years after the same garbage, I'm done. I'm speaking up for myself and quickly finding that I don't have anything real anymore. I don't know what I really expected. Today, I admitted to my superior that I just didn't know how much longer I could put up with this. I hate constantly feeling sick because of stupid drama.

I'm not in highschool and all of you are adults. ACT LIKE IT. All day today, I was nauseated because of what went down. Why was I surprised when the mean girl targeted me and made my business her own? Why was I surprised when, the moment I showed that I was HUMAN, that people ripped me apart.

I was humiliated, berated, infuriated, defenseless, and I felt so alone.

The ones who would have defended me weren't there...or were silenced by the sheer chaos of the situation.

I felt kicked to the floor and I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy today that I dwelt on it. I can't help that I do that, but I do dwell on things. Until a good nap, that's really all I can ever think about.

Then being told to find the reasoning for my actions so I can 'discuss' and finding absolutely nothing was devastating. I was even more humiliated to have to go and say that I just couldn't find my proof, even though I wasn't the only one that knew what it was.

In any case, I was told that I had misunderstood the rules and that if I was having that much trouble, I needed to communicate better.

I literally could say nothing else, so I ended the conversation and walked off.

Unfortunately for me, I can't hide my facial expressions and, CLEARLY, I was not happy with that reaction. I didn't even have time to cool down or gather myself when I found myself in the office.

DOUBLE UNFORTUNATELY, I was angry crying at this point. BUT..I was able to get a lot off of my chest and shed light on a lot. I feel like I walked out of the office feeling better in a general sense but we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm not interested in going above and beyond anymore. I'm clearly not appreciated enough. So, I'm going back to keeping my head down and worrying about myself. I'll keep my small group of friends close and just...I'm honestly exhausted at all the time. All day today, I was incredibly sick because of everything. I'm not interested in doing this anymore.

I'm 21. I honestly dread coming into work because of the people. That was never the case before.

I'm supposed to be having fun with life, worrying about my future. I literally worry about getting through the day. It's not okay. Something has to give. Or someone's gonna go.

Hopefully it's not me.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Another Sleepless Night

I look at my clock in the corner of my computer screen and kick myself when I realize it's really 4:18 a.m. Ugh. Why am I not sleeping? I haven't slept well in a long time, at least, not without some sort of sleep aid. Of course, I didn't take any last night and now it's waaay too late if I want to be a functioning person tomorrow, so, here I am. Just BSing on my blog until I start babbling incoherently.

Life is pretty stagnant, but it feels different. Not too bad. Maybe because it's nearing the end of the year and the last three months of the year, I just pretend life is all skeletons, stuffed turkey, pie, and presents.

4:20 now. Blaze it.

I chuckle stupidly to myself at a really dumb joke. This is pretty much my life currently. I know this won't stay this way forever, but goodness. When the heck am I going to learn to tell a good joke? Seriously? I didn't sign up to get a lifetime of bad jokes.

Been listening to Bowling for Soup for the last hour, getting even more HYPED for this upcoming Monday night, gonna see them in Scottsdale and I got meet'n'greet passes with Will. It's gonna be a good night. I'm willing to bet it'll probably be one of the best nights of my life up to this point. To be honest, I've been looking forward to this concert all year. It's really the only thing that's had any excitement for me in a long time. I get emotional thinking about it.

I hate emotions. Not even a little bit. Nine times out of ten, I wish I didn't have 'em. I wanna be Data. 'That is illogical, Captain.'

Then again, I'd probably have short circuited by now, so, I guess it's good that as a living person, the shelf life is a little better.

What? I don't really know what 'shelf life' is supposed to mean as a person. Conjured up a vision of people Stepford Wives style in a boutique on the shelves, waiting to get purchased. No thanks.

4:25 now.

See how my thought process goes when I'm left to my own devices? It just goes on and on and on. It's never that I'm NOT tired, I just can't ever get to sleep. And when I can, I feel like I have to get as much sleep as possible.

So, you can see my problem. I don't get enough sleep but when I do sleep, I sleep too much at the wrong time. Fffffff.

You know what? I'm gonna take a couple of days off here shortly, like, two days or something, and I'm just gonna drive for the two days. Blaring my music, leaving my phone off and just being alone with myself and my tunes to recalibrate. I think a good vacation is needed. I've never really 'needed' a vacation. Sure I've needed breaks but I think you take vacations when you need a break from life.

And that's not a morbid comment. Nothing like that. My depression has been in check lately, oddly enough, but I'm not needing a break from life in a bad sense like that. Just...a break. A roadtrip with myself and non-stop music. Nothing to think about, just scenery to take in and lyrics to appreciate.

'Let's make this interesting and start all over.' Ah, Bowling for Soup. Most of my friends don't understand or even know this band. They've been a pretty consistent part of my life since I was nine years old. With the blessing of technology, I have the illusion that these guys are actually friends to me. I cherish that idea. These songs, some silly, some heartbreaking, some just warm in general, have done a lot in my life. I never really realize how much until I hear a song and different memories and emotions flood my mind.

Even if I cry, I do love it. I probably always will.

4:34. Why am I still rambling? None of this is important or even an update on anything I've written before. It's just words that are in my head. I should probably be writing all this in like...a notepad on my desktop or something but whatever. I think like...four people read my blog anyway, so, no big deal.

Whoops. Just spent the last two minutes scrolling through FB mindlessly, giggling at Amy Poehler. I love her. And I love Tina Fey. Like...if I could get a peek at myself twenty years from now, I would hope to be like them, even if it is like Tina from 30 Rock. I already relate to Liz Lemon, so, that's not a problem with me.

In face, I WANT to be Liz Lemon. I want to write sketch comedy scripts. You know what? Maybe I should start working on my cartoon script. It's on my bucket list. Write a script for a cartoon. I've been surprised at how many people told me they would read that script if I wrote it. I know I'm good at writing skits and things like that, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be that hard but goodness.

I should do that. I really should. Base it on a grooming salon and have someone illustrate for me. Maybe just do like a comic series. Oh my goodness. I wanna do that.  I can't draw so I need someone to illustrate, but I can write a grooming comic. Easily. EASILY.

I was gonna write a comic with Kenny and Kevin one time. It was gonna be about the three of us. Whoops. That never happened for various reasons. Might be a little weird now if we tried that. Just a lil' bit.

So, I'll do it. I'll write a comic on my own. The dialogue, setting, all that fun stuff. Then after a few of those, maybe I'll do the cartoon script. Eventually, I want to write skits for like...sketch comedy. Like SNL or something. I could do that. Not gonna lie, but I do have a bit of a knack for writing skits and coming up with things like that on the fly. I can do it. I just need to do it. I'm gonna do it.

4:44. Can I make a wish? If I fall asleep tonight, don't let me forget that I do truly want to do these things and that they'd be easy for me to accomplish. The harder things need me to start with the easy and just keep moving. I need to get momentum with my writing.

Shut Up and Smile-Bowling for Soup.

That's what I'm ending my blog post on tonight. A surprisingly positive outlook for my tired state and new goals that don't require me to do anything before accomplishing. All I have to do is just...do.

4:47. Shoot. Almost 5. Is it really too late to take my sleeping pill?

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

All the change, but no quarters

So, last week, I was griping about change and well, now I have some news. Some big news, for me.

 I had been talking to my store manager, Wayne, and I had recently requested full time, even though I was absolutely certain I wouldn't get it. He had told me the Friday before that it wasn't going to happen, but he'd go through my productivity to see if he can try to convince the district manager that having me full time is a good idea.

Well, I've been searching for another part time job, or something that could be a better financial choice for me and I had taken the last week or so to give it a bit of a rest before searching.

Saturday, after an extra long shift for me, I was chatting with Wayne a little bit and he asked me if I was sure that I wanted full time. I repeated that I did and I felt that I could prove myself. What he said next was shocking.

He told me that Dan(my DM) had approved of my full time and it'll be in effect on Monday, 6-29-15. I was stunned. I was sitting right there as he changed my status in the system and he told me my benefits package was on the way. I felt goosebumps on my arms, just staring in stunned silence before I got a bit giddy.

I've been given the chance that I've been wanting and now, I don't have to find a second job and I can prove that this was not a mistake. I'm so excited for this opportunity and I'm extremely grateful to have my salon family, including my salon manager, all of them supportive and believing in me. They're one of my favorite parts of my day and I feel like I'm very lucky to feel so fondly of this group of women, even if we're all so different. I call them friends without hesitation and I firmly believe we're a work family.

I'm excited to work hard with this position and keep impressing people. I feel like this promotion, which I fully consider it to be, is just another way for me to show that I value the fact that I can work. I am so willing to work hard, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like a good work ethic is something that I don't see very often in peers and I think that it can serve me in every factor of life. It's underappreciated by people who should have it but it's noticed by work peers and such.

So, I came home and told my family. They were extremely proud of me for earning this opportunity and I have to be grateful for their support as well. Then, to make things even better, I won a three month subscription to one of my favorite monthly boxes that actually would have been my last month in July. I had no idea how I would have afforded to reinstate the subscription but now I have three free months ^-^

Just been good changes and good little things to help me get through the days, to remind me that life has ups and downs. If you try and you're a little brave, or willing to be uncomfortable, things will work out in one way or another.

I'm very grateful to have had such a wonderful day and the many opportunities I've had to prove myself lately. I hope I continue to grow and that I don't let myself down.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Patience Needed (?)

Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.

Maybe that's just me.

But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.

I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'

Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.

I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.

Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.

Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.

If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.

My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.

I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.

As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.

The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.

Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.

Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

I Hate This

For those of you who actually read my blog, I assume you already know what's been going on with my family, but, on the off chance that you don't, this post will enlighten you.

A few weeks ago, my mother, after 11 years, found out that she was pregnant. It had to be early, but it was there. She and my dad were extremely excited, they announced to us kids but told us to keep it quiet as miscarriages have happened, we didn't want to bring that kind of attention.

We agreed, though some of us told a few people in our own personal circles, we didn't intend to let the entire world know.

About two weeks ago, (maybe longer, time is just a blur to me) my mom felt severe pain and actually had to rush to the E.R. After nine hours of just sitting and waiting, they told me that the doctors had said it was likely an ectopic pregnancy, which, in easiest terms, means that the baby isn't where it's supposed to be.


She came home and we were shaken. We were also mournful. We had all, in our own ways, begun to prepare for a new addition and we looked forward to it. This news meant that baby was likely not to happen.

Two days later, my mom was taken back to the ER to run the tests again.

Turns out, baby was still growing. Say what? Also, turns out that what they thought was the baby wasn't baby and, surprise, never mind, you're fine.

So, my family felt like we had gotten a break and were genuinely happy for a little while but cautious.

Today, while I was at work, I found out my mom was in severe pain again and had to be rushed to the hospital again. I didn't know anything until I got home but she was unresponsive on the ride to the hospital and shortly after I got home, her blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors said they suspected internal bleeding.

Let the panic commence. I made about a million calls, made some arrangements so I could stay at home tomorrow with my brothers and then received another update. They stabilized her BP and gave her some pain meds to get some sleep. Color's back in her face and now, as I write this, they should be transferring to a different hospital via ambulance.

Needless to say, my brothers and I are worried beyond sick, we've lashed out but we're doing a little better to let it out. My mom likely won't be home today, maybe not even tomorrow. I honestly don't know what's happening. And I don't know how anyone can do anything to help. I just...I guess this is my way of filling people in. If I didn't call you, don't be offended. I have so many things to take care of tonight, I can't possibly keep track of it all. My family is hanging in there and we're taking it minute by minute. We hardly know anything at this point, so...maybe I'll update the blog with it, maybe not. I'm already exhausted and it's not even 6 pm. The next twenty four hours will be insanely long. As long as I have information, I suppose I'll be okay with that.

Again, no clever ending. Just...an update on our scary situation. We'll take prayers, good vibes, nice thoughts, but other than that, we're okay. We don't need a lot. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more. I'll have my phone on all night and I don't think I'll be getting much sleeping done.