Well played...

You know, I like to think of myself as someone who will always be there for a friend, even when things get hard. I'm finding myself talking my things out of alot lately. I over-think things and I allow myself to get caught up in drama I could easily avoid.

I hate to think that I don't want to do anymore, shouting 'til my face turns blue, advising until I choke on my words, thinking until my brain literally shuts off. I can only talk to a wall for SO long. Then I feel like I should take a gigantic sledgehammer to the wall..but we all know that doesn't solve anything.

See, I talk to myself all the time, so I do, in fact, know how annoying and repetitive I can be. No need to point it out, Wall. But hey, it'd be nice if maybe you can stop pretending that I'm getting through when I know you're just doing your own thing on the side you keep turned from me.

So, this is what I have to say to you, Wall.

I'm so close to being done. I can't do this forever.




I love having family that actually cares about me enough to tell me that I'M TALKING TO A BRICK WALL AND LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.

Oh well. Life happens..I just need to get used to it and man up a bit lol.

Happy(?) New Year

Wow. It's the new year and I'm wondering how it'll work. I'm turning sixteen in February, which means...I get to drive(more) and get a job. We're starting a new curriculum for school this year, and let me tell you, it looks great. I'm excited but also concerned. The LDS prom is on March 19th, which means, I can go if I want. But do I want to? I'll have lots of choices to make, good and bad, but hopefully, I can grow to understand myself even better. This year has opened my eyes quite a bit to how I feel about myself and old friends, new friends.

I know what I want in a friend and now, I'm not afraid to say it.

Anyway, with the epiphany I've had this past year, what will I learn and discover in the new year?
*crosses fingers* Let's hope it's good.

Should be in bed...

Okay, okay. I know it's late and I need to sleep, but I feel like there are so many things I need to say to so many people. I'm quite content with my life now, but as I look at all my old friends, I see their lives going on right in front of me, and they've chosen to keep me out of it. I can't help but hurt when I see that.

Another thing that really bothers me, what's up with the whole 'Oh, 2011 will change my life for the better! It'll be amazing!' Maybe I'm just a pessimist ( or realist, to some people) but I don't see the appeal. My life will not change one single iota when the clock turns to midnight on New Year's. I mean, I'll still have the same struggles, the same insecurities, the same frusterations from the little things. I guess I have a hard time understanding people I no longer know. Is that such a bad thing, though?

Sometimes I wonder, how close am I to letting go of everyone that has made it clear that they don't need or want me in their life? How close am I to being okay with it all? I get to a point where I'm thrilled and I'm glad to have a new friend, but then I feel as if I reliving the same problems I had with other people I considered friends and I can't prevent it. Maybe it's just my personality and I'll get used to it.

What if it takes me thirty years though? Will I have a good month, then a month where I cry over things I've already cried a river for? I can't stand that. Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm not depressed because I can feel happiness and joy, which I've experienced so much in the past few weeks, but then, when I'm all alone and it's quiet, the voices in my head start replaying situations, feeding off of little bits of information I get, or lack thereof. It's driving me insane. I hate it.

I know that when I wake up, I'll have a fresh perspective and I'll go back to my regular feelings of 'Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they have before it's too late with their new friends.' I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.

P.S. I'm so sorry for this. I get infuriated when I read whiney posts like mine. I just can't talk to myself anymore. *laugh*

Happy Are We!

Okay, so I'm feeling so much better than I was the last time I posted. Not alot happened to change the situation, but I just realized what was important to me. My big bro came over thursday, we spent the day eating steak, watching Chuck, and we watched Scott Pilgrim vs. The World TWICE! I may be in love with Michael Cera..but I shall neither confirm nor deny. *coughcough* Anyway..

I just got back from babysitting my cousins and I have to admit, they're really awesome. I remember when we first moved here and they didn't know us but now, three or four years later, they're completely willing to be social. I love playing around with little kids. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I could remember being that young. Would I wish to be that way again? Would I be glad I'm over it? XD I dunno. I really love my family. They're everything to me. It's hard that so many live so far away, but it makes it all the better when they come to visit.

LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! ^-^

*sigh*

So, again, I face the issue that I'm not sure whether I can post everything I feel, concerned that someone will take offense and make things worse for me. I'm not even going to rehash what I've done, so maybe I'll try to lighten my mood. I had fun visiting my aunt and uncle for their daughter's baby blessing. The only thing I didn't have much fun with was the ride home. Too long, kinda cramped XD It worked out though. The night before, I went to the dance by myself and realized something. I had a blast by myself. Is that bad?

Anyway, reconnected with a friend of mine, met a girl that spelled her name the same way I did lol. It was interesting. That's almost all I have good to say about the past few weeks. Looking forward to the church service project.

Love my family.


...Done.

Meet....FRANKENBREAD!

Rofl alrighty. This morning has been quite the adventure, what with punched boobies, deformed bread, and crumbly homemade brownies. Let me explain.

Mom decided that I had to make bread today and after a little grumbling, I grabbed my mp3 player and decided to do it..AFTER I made my brownies for mutual tonight. I tried to make homemade brownies, which I've never done. I should have guessed that something was off when the batter was a tad..chunky. Well, the texture was off.

Anyway, I popped them into the oven and began mixing the bread. It called for ten cups of flower but after I kneaded the dough, it didn't look like it needed two pans. So, I pulled the brownies out(they looked odd which sunk any hopes I had for them) and put the dough in one pan. THen I asked my mom if I should split the dough. She told that she thought it would be best but that I could try baking it in one bread pan.

So, I figured that I'd try it. I put it in the oven and set the timer. Then I went to the brownies and I was disappointed. THey were hideous. Mom told me not to worry since they were going with sundaes but still..Then I felt like I should check the oven.

That's when I saw what I had created! FRANKENBREAD! I was amazed and terrified! I swear, it was breathing! I quickly shut the oven and burst into laughter, running to tell my mom. She made me take a picture(the lighter one) of it in the oven so she could see it. I happily obliged. She was shocked. But we left it alone and then the doorbell rang. It was my YW(Mia Maid) leader! She brought me a box of brownie mix like she had said she would!

So I let my brothers attack the failbrownies. They're gone now. They liked it, though. Gonna make the brownies later. Anyway, after almost an hour, I pulled the bread out. The dark golden picture is what my creation looks like now. I feel as if I made an abomination..but I have a fond attachment to my disaster.

Now I understand how Dr. Frankenstein felt after he saw his monster. He feared and adored. I fear and adore my monster. Too bad I have to kill it at lunchtime. My mourning will last for eons.

Anywho! I felt like I should share this amazing story...today's gonna be great.

I'm a fail toaster

Okay, okay. I know that no one reads this and whatnot, but I still feel bad for not posting regularly.

So, I'm trying to begin a new adventure, but frankly, I'm not getting anywhere quickly. I want to..DRIVE. GET A JOB. NOT BE FIFTEEN. Alas, I have plenty to do before I drive, plenty of things to do before I get a job, and plenty of months before I'm sixteen.

Oh, the woes of the teenager.

My fiero, for those of you that know I have one, really needs to be fixed up. It's an 84, a sickly yellow, and pretty much a lunchbox. I love it. No. I adore it. BUT, the deathtrap, as I've lovingly learned to call it, needs much work done. One of my fears is that my dad and I will spend so much time trying to fix it and all our efforts will be futile.

*sigh* Again, woe, woe, woe. My car is sitting in the sideyard, inches away from a horrifying death. We had a large tree, it split and fell. It literally is four inches from my car. So, I guess we dodged a bullet there, but that doesn't change the shattered taillights(partly my fault) and whatever else is wrong with it. Hrmmm....Anyway, enough about me whining about my wonderful gift.

I have discovered that I'm a decent Santa Clause rapper. xD Long story. Simple answer : Girl's Camp. Ahh, good times. Glad to be home, trying to get as much time with my friends before I go and visit my aunt and uncle in Tucson.

So excited to visit them. Wondering when I can go to Washington to visit my other aunt. Welp, I'm kind of just rambling now.

I'm done.