Monday, May 1, 2017

Mental Fragility

Okay, so it seems like most of the times I blog right now, it's on fragile nights. I have to accept that for what it is. One day, maybe a steady stream of positivity but not yet.

Tonight is a mental fragility night. I'm feeling very low. For really no reason. I feel alone even though I know I'm not. Logic doesn't matter when anxiety and depression take over your brain. Changing jobs has helped so much, I don't come home angry or upset so I am very grateful for that. But I guess that wasn't enough.

I don't know what will be enough. I hope that one day, one bad interaction won't destroy my mental state and leave me physically ill because I have to fix it and feel helpless.

I honestly think it's just a bad night but it makes me want to close myself off further. Bury myself into a dark hole in my mind until I cease to exist. These nights are hard.

I don't have any insight or witty remarks. I'm just...tired. The loud chaos upsets my mind and the silence is not okay.It scares me, because then, I have to face my own demons when I would rather keep running.

I don't know what the right answer is. Tomorrow will be another day, I'll get up, I'll go to work, I'll come home, probably lock myself in my room and take a nap before class tomorrow night, because my emotional stamina won't be back to what it needs to be yet.

But I'll get back to my normal eventually then it's a waiting game until fragility makes me splinter again.

It's a vicious circle, and each time it comes around, I try to be better about it in the future. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, my solutions, make it worse. Then I learn from it.

Well, learn as much as I can.

I'm sorry to the people who have to deal with me all the time. I try to make it as easy and painless as possible, I'm working on it. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What does insecurity do?

I was thinking about insecurities the other day, namely, my own. But instead of wallowing, I was trying to put into words what insecurity is for me and what it does in my own life. Not for pity, but so maybe people can understand me a little bit better.

For me, insecurity means being completely comfortable with a group of people, a group of friends, but policing myself physically and vocally for an unfounded fear that everyone is looking at me, to judge, to dislike me.

The problem I struggle with is logically, I know that these people are my friends, new, old. They aren't looking at me to scrutinize. They want me to be involved and play, have fun with them, instead of being on the sidelines. If, for some reason, they are watching and judging, then they likely won't breathe a word of it to me. That says more about them than it actually does about who I am.

But logic doesn't matter to insecurities. You can tell yourself 'til you're blue in the face that you have nothing to worry about, the a nagging scream in your head, that you can't turn off, will say otherwise.

'They like me. They just want me to join in. I should join in.'

'But you're fat, they think you're weird. They're just being nice. No one really wants you around.' 

'That's not true and I know it. They seek me out.'

'Out of obligation because you're always around anyway! They can't get rid of you, so just stay put, don't talk because they don't really want to hear it.'

That's how the conversation usually goes in my head, just varies by situation. I've been learning how to ignore the voice but most of the time, I just try to pretend it isn't there, even if that's all I can do. Sometimes, the insecurities win and I just make excuses as to why I don't participate more. That's my own baggage to deal with, not anyone else's.

When I do talk to people and participate, I often have a similiar dialogue going on at all times.

'Quit rambling, they're not even listening anymore. You're holding them socially hostage! They think you're weird and you talk an awful lot.'

So, I often end up apologizing for speaking too much. If I do this, please understand that I am just trying to make everyone as comfortable as possible.

For my friends that 'put up with me,' thank you. It really does mean a lot to have friends even though I don't think I should have them. Please understand that when I make excuses, or apologize, it has to do with my own insecurities, not you. Please don't stop trying to get me to join the conversation, play the game, go out and about. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Thank you for being patient with me, you have more patience with myself than I have, so your patience does help smother the insecurity.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A Whale is Gonna Die (No Matter What You Choose) -Rhett and Link

 I've had a lot to consider for the last few months. Lots of changes at work, some I liked and others I really didn't. I feel like I've grown as a person and my understanding for what I want from others has deepened, I would say.

 I've learned more about myself and what my skills are as well as how they can grow with even just a little bit of time.

 I'd like to say that I've made changes in my personal life but, let's be real, what personal life?

 That's part of my problem as of late. I work, I go home and sleep, watch some Youtube, go to church, work. That's pretty much my life lately. And I see others who can work and go to school at the same time as well as everything else people do. I'm having a very hard time being motivated to do more than just exist and go through the motions.

 I force myself to go out with people just to get out of my house. I always have a nice time but I never really want to go unless I've had an unusually positive day. I have plans that I would love to back out of but, at the same time, why should I? I know I'm going to regret cancelling my plans if I tried to. But then that means less sleep. Not that I need it, I just feel exhausted all the time. Emotionally more than anything. The physical tiredness that is my life is just what I see as my normal, the emotional deficiency is the thing that affects me.

 That's probably not the right term, but that's the best I got. I'm tired of drama. My personality has become that of someone that does nothing but complain. I can't sit in silence but my brain isn't some place of sunshine, so the negative comes out. I don't want to be that person. Even as I write this, I have music blaring so loud in my ears that I can't even hear myself sing along to the music. It's an awesome feeling for someone who is truly afraid of silence.

 Only a few times in my adult life have I experienced a comfortable silence. I'm terrified to be alone with my thoughts, so I constantly speak. I don't even need the attention that comes with it, I've been caught talking to myself so I can focus on anything else but the silence.

 When it's quiet, the loneliness hits, the self loathing, the doubt. The issues I've been having at work have only compounded my mental instability. If I didn't know better, I would throw around the term 'bi-polar.' But I don't have those high highs that come with it. I feel like most days I'm pretty level if I don't think too much, don't face the silence. On the days that I do force myself to sit in silence and contemplate, it takes me days to pull out of it.

 Unfortunately, today's events have put me in a place where I acknowledge that I need change and I want to go for it, but I don't want to lose the things that I know are good in my life because the bad is beating me. I can't trust that my situation is stable enough anymore. I can't keep being dismissed and disregarded when it comes to what I see as serious issues.

 I already don't tell people all the things that bounce around my think space, so when I do speak up about something that truly bothers me and I want fixed, it makes me crazy to be cut down so low so quickly. You can't pretend that you care or that you respect me when you do that.

 I need out. The worst part is, I know I'm not the only one in this situation. Some of us have already gotten out and good for them. They're happy now. I want that. I love what I do, the bonds that I have made, but I can't deal with this hypocrisy any more. I want to stand up for myself but it's very hard to talk myself up to it when I know exactly how it will go, just like it always has before.

 Don't dismiss me. I'm an adult that can be spoken to and can be reasoned with, I assume you are as well. Have the same respect for me that I brought to you. Your way or the highway? Maybe the highway leads to better roads for me now. I'll see you around because, on a personal level, I do like you. I don't respect you the way that your position demands, because you don't respect me the way my humanity demands.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be the only one coming to this conclusion and maybe that will be better for you in the long run, as well as those of us that felt this didn't fit anymore. We were a dysfunctioning family, sure, but you didn't swoop in and fix us. You drove us further apart and told us to deal. You made me feel so small so many times and you probably have no idea because how could I tell you?

 You don't take things I say seriously. If you did at one point, it's certainly not anything that stuck with you, and that's fine. It is what it is. I don't need special treatment but don't pretend we're one thing when we're really not. You're not doing me any favors, not that you owe me anything but I don't owe you anything more than what I'm paid for. So, why do I want to keep going above and beyond to the point of utter exhaustion and upset when it doesn't matter?

 I don't care anymore. I'm still considering my next few steps but this isn't how I wanted my life to be. I think 'miserable' is too strong of a word but I don't think I know what peace is anymore and I need to focus on finding that for myself over doing all your honey-do's. '

 This didn't really make me feel any better, but I didn't expect it to. I just needed to get it out, and thank you to those of you who listen to me complain all the time. I know you have your own things to deal with and sometimes, I'm intense and exhausting to you. I'm sorry. I'm doing the best that I can with what I've got right now, which isn't much. So, bare with me a little longer, please.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Last Post of 2016

Oh, 2016. I hated you. I still do. You were kind of awful. At the end of the year, where Christmas spirit should be abound and everyone should be feeling the warm fuzzies, no one feels any different. The holiday feels like nothing. I have like...four friends at the end of this year.

2016, you took a lot. And unfortunately, I don't know if the next year will be much better overall.

But let me say this. I learned a lot about myself this year. I learned what I won't tolerate. I lost friends because of that and you can ask anyone who doesn't like me, they'll say I've changed and become this awful person. I don't think I have. But I don't want to be anyone's doormat anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm standing up for myself more and still pushing out of my comfort zone because I can't do this.

The friends I have left are ones I believe will stick around. And if not, it won't be because anyone treated anyone poorly. It would just be a change in life. That's okay. I've accepted that. I don't chase anyone anymore.

As much as sometimes, I still feel alone and struggle, I feel better. I'd rather be with very limited friends who actually like me, and I know they do, then chase after someone who is nothing but heartache.

I don't have the energy for that anymore. I need to focus on my life and me, not bending over backwards for someone who is just using me.

So, that's what I'm doing.

2017, I'll still be doing that. Learning how to take care of myself and learn even more about the world and my own mindset.

So, at the end of this year, I have to say, thank you, 2016.

You're just like those awful friends I had...punch after punch, not bothering to slow or make sure I was okay, so I had to learn to make myself okay no matter what you did. I'm still standing, somehow. I will be tomorrow, and the day after.

Goodbye, 2016. Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya,

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Sometimes, memories hit me like a train. They come out of nowhere, triggered by insignificance, but it sends me down a mental rabbit hole.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. I replay visions of when we had fun and some of the things I had seen on your face. I hear words you said, the times you laughed. I remember silly inside jokes, yarns we liked to spin, tales we enjoyed to tell. I feel the peace and happiness.

Sometimes, they make me sad. I feel the darkness left behind, I remember the fights. I remember how I hurt and how I would constantly wonder if you felt the same. I remember being dismissed or being ignored. I remember feeling alone when I should have felt anything but.

Sometimes, I feel indifferent to the memories. Like...watching the boring part of a movie, where you know something is coming, be it good or bad, but you're just waiting.

Sometimes, I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Was I in the wrong? Was there something I did? Did I say something? Or was it all you? Maybe I should have cut ties a lot sooner.

Sometimes, I think about the future, things we had talked about, even in passing. Were any of those ever possible? Were they just dreams that meant nothing more than to fill the conversation?

Sometimes, I watch people go by me and I feel like I stand still. I watch you stand still.

Sometimes, I feel like it's your fault. Things could be different if you were different. If I were different.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will continue to attack at random. If you didn't happen, then I wouldn't have my bad memories. But I wouldn't have the happy either. Is it worth it?

I wonder if you ever think about these things too, even sometimes.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Future: Pending

So tonight, I sit at my newly rearranged room, still adjusting to how the change while listening to My Chemical Romance.

Yeah, one of those nights.

Well, I guess that doesn't mean much, I've always listened to this kind of music no matter how I felt. I was surprised to find out how emo my  music tastes were when I was a kid. Where did that come from? My parents are all about hairbands and country. I mean, I'm not super picky when it comes to music but I do have my comfort zone, emo music and like...skater punk? I don't know how to classify it. Essentially, I listen to Bowling for Soup and Panic! at the Disco all the time.


Anyway. Back to my rearranged room.

I'm handling the change pretty well, considering I didn't have much say in how things went with the change. When things change in my life, I have a crisis. I'm working on it but I do NOT like when things are different than they should be, even if it was not functional beforehand. Logically, I understand far more than my mind believes? Logic doesn't mean anything when you're crazy though, so there's that.

The last few months, I've been making an effort to push out of my comfort zone. Tonight is just a weak moment and I'll get over it. But nights like tonight, I can't be proud of what I have tried to do the last few months.

I've been trying to be more comfortable by myself in general so maybe when I am alone, I'm not sinking into an existential crisis. It's been helping for the most part. I'll go places by myself where I would normally choose to just stay home to avoid the panic of being alone. I'll make plans for just me and I'll be unapologetic. If someone decides to tag along, great! If not, I've already mentally prepared myself.

I'll say yes to things that absolutely terrify me, even though I know it's a dumb thing to be scared of. I let one of my friends cut my hair the other day. That is a huge deal for me. And I've loved the result. It was nothing too drastic and she was very careful to communicate the entire time with me so I was prepared, even before the actual cutting took place.

The last time I got a haircut, I was bold (for me) and told my mom to cut off like...six inches. I had a panic attack and almost cried the moment I felt the scissors. Why? I've never been attached to the hair. It's the change. So this time, it was a big deal for me to not cry after cutting my hair.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I barely knew and actually had a really nice night. Then I went out the next night to meet a group of internet friends. Again, HUGE for me. I'm the kind of person that needs months to get comfortable with someone before I'll even consider inviting them over or meeting them somewhere by myself.

I registered for a summer class with a friend and even though she stopped going, I finished it out by myself. I even registered for the semester class by myself.

I've tried to focus more on people who have made an effort on me as well instead of chasing people who like to be chased and it's been far more fruitful. I hope to keep up with that as well.

I've got a rough draft of the next year in my head and we'll see how that shapes up but I'm still feeling 'good' about it.

I mean, I don't really feel good about anything right NOW but in general, I'm pretty okay, I guess. I have plenty I need to still do and maybe that'll help me in leaps and bounds. But I'm still pretty terrified about a lot of things.  Don't know why, don't have good reason for it but I'm trying to slowly push past that bit of fear.

Some days, I do better than others. Today was good while I was busy. But then it started slowing down and it kind of went downhill from there. Maybe I'm getting sick as well, I don't know. I just have to get through tomorrow then I have a few days off, maybe recover myself a little. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things lately. Nights like this don't help. But I'll suck it up, I'll go to work tomorrow and I'll be as pleasant as I can be until I get to go home and then take a break from life. It's not even terrible or's just tiring and I'm having a rough go. For no real reason in particular, so that's fun.

Whatever. Time to feed my God complex and play some Sims.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Is Anyone REALLY That Surprised That This is an Angry Post Again?

I want to break the cycle of blogging only when I'm in a really bad way or fantastically good but never in between, That cycle is not broken this evening, so...sorry.

There has been so much change going on lately and, while that alone makes me uncomfortable, is literally the LAST of my concerns.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I'm finding that I'm very underappreciated in life lately. I feel like I'm only as important as what people can get from me. As a person who wants to make people happy, even to my own falling already, this is devastating.

I know it's a fault of mine and it's something I should know better on how to avoid at this point but I don't. Or, I don't stop it. I want people to like me. I want to genuinely get along with people but it's more of what I've always dealt with.

I'm only around as long as someone can get something out of me. As soon as I defend myself or decide to say something they won't like, I'm not needed.

Well, at work, I've always been someone helpful. No matter what the job was, I always tried to make it a pleasant environment for everyone.

Two years after the same garbage, I'm done. I'm speaking up for myself and quickly finding that I don't have anything real anymore. I don't know what I really expected. Today, I admitted to my superior that I just didn't know how much longer I could put up with this. I hate constantly feeling sick because of stupid drama.

I'm not in highschool and all of you are adults. ACT LIKE IT. All day today, I was nauseated because of what went down. Why was I surprised when the mean girl targeted me and made my business her own? Why was I surprised when, the moment I showed that I was HUMAN, that people ripped me apart.

I was humiliated, berated, infuriated, defenseless, and I felt so alone.

The ones who would have defended me weren't there...or were silenced by the sheer chaos of the situation.

I felt kicked to the floor and I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy today that I dwelt on it. I can't help that I do that, but I do dwell on things. Until a good nap, that's really all I can ever think about.

Then being told to find the reasoning for my actions so I can 'discuss' and finding absolutely nothing was devastating. I was even more humiliated to have to go and say that I just couldn't find my proof, even though I wasn't the only one that knew what it was.

In any case, I was told that I had misunderstood the rules and that if I was having that much trouble, I needed to communicate better.

I literally could say nothing else, so I ended the conversation and walked off.

Unfortunately for me, I can't hide my facial expressions and, CLEARLY, I was not happy with that reaction. I didn't even have time to cool down or gather myself when I found myself in the office.

DOUBLE UNFORTUNATELY, I was angry crying at this point. BUT..I was able to get a lot off of my chest and shed light on a lot. I feel like I walked out of the office feeling better in a general sense but we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm not interested in going above and beyond anymore. I'm clearly not appreciated enough. So, I'm going back to keeping my head down and worrying about myself. I'll keep my small group of friends close and just...I'm honestly exhausted at all the time. All day today, I was incredibly sick because of everything. I'm not interested in doing this anymore.

I'm 21. I honestly dread coming into work because of the people. That was never the case before.

I'm supposed to be having fun with life, worrying about my future. I literally worry about getting through the day. It's not okay. Something has to give. Or someone's gonna go.

Hopefully it's not me.