Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Sometimes, memories hit me like a train. They come out of nowhere, triggered by insignificance, but it sends me down a mental rabbit hole.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. I replay visions of when we had fun and some of the things I had seen on your face. I hear words you said, the times you laughed. I remember silly inside jokes, yarns we liked to spin, tales we enjoyed to tell. I feel the peace and happiness.

Sometimes, they make me sad. I feel the darkness left behind, I remember the fights. I remember how I hurt and how I would constantly wonder if you felt the same. I remember being dismissed or being ignored. I remember feeling alone when I should have felt anything but.

Sometimes, I feel indifferent to the memories. Like...watching the boring part of a movie, where you know something is coming, be it good or bad, but you're just waiting.

Sometimes, I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Was I in the wrong? Was there something I did? Did I say something? Or was it all you? Maybe I should have cut ties a lot sooner.

Sometimes, I think about the future, things we had talked about, even in passing. Were any of those ever possible? Were they just dreams that meant nothing more than to fill the conversation?

Sometimes, I watch people go by me and I feel like I stand still. I watch you stand still.

Sometimes, I feel like it's your fault. Things could be different if you were different. If I were different.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will continue to attack at random. If you didn't happen, then I wouldn't have my bad memories. But I wouldn't have the happy either. Is it worth it?

I wonder if you ever think about these things too, even sometimes.