Today was a surprising roller coaster for me. Most days, I find that I'm pleasantly apathetic. Odd, I know. But I don't need fantastic to be content.
Today looked like it would be fantastic. For no real reason. And, for the most part, it was. Until I got off work and found out about Robin Williams. It caught me by surprise by how upset I was. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't freak out. I kind of didn't want to accept it and ignored it until I logged into my Facebook and saw status after status, picture after picture, and it hurt.
To most people who know me, they understand that I RARELY get overly emotional when a celebrity passes away, no matter how much I might be fond of them, I usually reserve serious mourning for their family as I feel like, I didn't know them personally, I don't have that right and it would almost be rude.
I've felt sadness when I realized someone has passed and disappointment. But I can only think of three people that really...hurt me to lose, when I didn't know them at all.
Steve Irwin, Heath Ledger, and Robin Williams.
Sometimes, the sadness came from realizing everything they've left behind.
Today has left me deeply saddened. For many reasons, I guess. I told my dad earlier, when I wasn't willing to accept it, that Robin Williams wasn't allowed to die. So, it couldn't possibly be true.
Then to find out a little more about what happened. Of course, it's being 'investigated' but people don't say suicide unless they're fairly certain. I think that's when it really hit me.
I know I'm not the only person to feel like they had been touched, inspired, or simply cheered up by Mister Williams. The mark he left on the world will always be a great one. But it breaks my heart to think that this man was hurting so badly, he saw no other way to escape it, there was no relief for him. There was no one that could save him.
And now, his family is left to try finding acceptance and understanding in this horribly dark time. I can only imagine the hurt and regret they have, even though this wasn't not anyone's fault.
I, like many people, have had some struggles with some form of depression and I don't think there's a real escape for most people. And still, with so many people struggling, there will always be someone who feels alone in this big, full world.
There are millions of communities for every little thing you could possibly think of. Always a place for someone to find others who are like them. But depression is insidious. You can always be surrounded by people who love you, who know your struggles, who want to help, and all you feel is empty.
Now, that isn't to say that everyone struggling with depression can only feel loneliness and pain, but it's a lot harder to find happiness and a lasting comfort.
I guess, what I'm trying to get at is what everyone's saying at this point, but a little different. If you know anyone who even MIGHT be struggling with depression, pain, sadness, loneliness...try your best to be there for them. Offer love, acceptance, kindness, and try to understand. Give them a shoulder to cry on, show them that you still care. But this is where I change my message a little.
If you know ANYONE. Anyone at all. Happy at all times, sad, angry, apathetic, be there for them to the best of your ability. There are so many people hiding behind a smile, offering laughter and jokes when, really, they can't find a desire to get out of bed in the morning. They can't find the drive to put on a face anymore.
But they do. Until they can't.
Don't let anyone go without love. Don't assume, for even one second, that the person you're next to right now will still be there tomorrow. You know that saying, live like today is your last day?
Love like it's their last.
I'm not suggesting that everyone can be saved...sometimes, all we can do is offer love and there isn't anything really to be done from someone else. But trying is all anyone can ask of you if they don't really ask anything.
That being said, I have this now.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know I've been stressing doing everything you can to take care of others but now, it's time to take care of you. If, for some reason, you have reached your capacity, or something out of your control has happened, don't let blame eat you. Guilt is no one's friend. Guilt is an unnecessary evil.
It's not your fault and you should never allow yourself to think it. It brings you to a dark place and prevents you from living your life.
I, personally, feel like the best way to honor someone's memory is to live your life. Love others, take care of others and give of yourself. Spread a little happiness in the form of a passing smile, a warm hello, a silent moment of understanding to someone who just needs an ear. You will be amazed at how far a little kindness can go.
To bring this back around so I don't continue to ramble, I'm hurt today. I didn't know this man but my idea of him was wonderful and it hasn't changed even in the slightest with his death. My memory and thoughts of him are not marred. But I am sad that his pain was so great. I don't think, for a moment, that he was a weak man. I think he was very strong right up until the point he couldn't find the strength to smile anymore. And at that point, his waning strength doesn't have to mean he was a weak person. A moment of weakness doesn't have to define you.
Mister Williams, I never got the chance to meet you. But I felt the love you had for others through your actions. I am so sorry that you couldn't find peace on this Earth. You left a legacy you likely didn't realize you had. Fond memories will surround you and your loved ones. I wish, for their sake, they can find acceptance and understanding for you. You were loved, you are loved, and you always will be.