Okay, so it seems like most of the times I blog right now, it's on fragile nights. I have to accept that for what it is. One day, maybe a steady stream of positivity but not yet.
Tonight is a mental fragility night. I'm feeling very low. For really no reason. I feel alone even though I know I'm not. Logic doesn't matter when anxiety and depression take over your brain. Changing jobs has helped so much, I don't come home angry or upset so I am very grateful for that. But I guess that wasn't enough.
I don't know what will be enough. I hope that one day, one bad interaction won't destroy my mental state and leave me physically ill because I have to fix it and feel helpless.
I honestly think it's just a bad night but it makes me want to close myself off further. Bury myself into a dark hole in my mind until I cease to exist. These nights are hard.
I don't have any insight or witty remarks. I'm just...tired. The loud chaos upsets my mind and the silence is not okay.It scares me, because then, I have to face my own demons when I would rather keep running.
I don't know what the right answer is. Tomorrow will be another day, I'll get up, I'll go to work, I'll come home, probably lock myself in my room and take a nap before class tomorrow night, because my emotional stamina won't be back to what it needs to be yet.
But I'll get back to my normal eventually then it's a waiting game until fragility makes me splinter again.
It's a vicious circle, and each time it comes around, I try to be better about it in the future. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, my solutions, make it worse. Then I learn from it.
Well, learn as much as I can.
I'm sorry to the people who have to deal with me all the time. I try to make it as easy and painless as possible, I'm working on it. I don't want to be a burden anymore.