Okay, so, again, I've had a few things to ponder the past couple of days on a more personal level.
I've cried, I've been angry, I've splurged on stuff I felt insta-regret for, then I tucked my tail and hoped things would be okay.
My life has always consisted of the same things. Very rarely do I stick up for myself, very rarely do I ever tell people how I really feel about anything.
Most people 'know' me and I always have something to say but I never say anything that hasn't been said before. Not because I am trying to be insincere, but because I know very little people care about anything but surface stuff. At least, when it comes to me.
I prefer to handle problems for others. If someone has something they have to get off their chest, if they need a doormat to stomp on, if they just need a shoulder to cry on, I'm one of the first people to try and be there. To my own downfall, I will take care of others before I even think about myself.
My mental status feels like it teeters between paper thin and non-existent.
I know it's not healthy but I can't always help it. If I try to say something and I get cut off, I stop talking. Obviously, what I have to say is not that important. So I make sure I'm never saying anything important so being ignored doesn't hurt as badly.
I will listen to problems of others, internalize the issue, try to fix it within myself to help them fix it and it just piles on to my own faults and concerns.
Only a few people fully realize how true my comments here have been. And I would have expected that those few people would be the ones to give me the benefit of the doubt when I break, when I can't take it anymore, when I just need someone to leave me alone, or when I need someone to let me call on them like I let everyone else do to me.
And it hurt to know that I don't get that benefit. I could spend every day of my life sweating and crying over taking care of someone else but if there's a time when I don't know how to help or I say something they don't like, I'm so easy to discard and to step all over.
I'm tired of being there for everyone and having no one in my corner. Then my family can't understand why I can't handle being around anyone. It's not fair to them that I've done this to myself but I can't fix my own problems when I have every other problem on the planet thrown at me with the expectation that I will validate, kiss the booboo, and volunteer to be the punching bag.
The more I think about this, the more upset I get. How can I possibly live a life that's not my own? I'm afraid to be in my head with only me because I am terrified to let someone else down. I can't take time for myself, I can't write people off because what if I was the one thing that was helping them?
In truth, I make myself far too important to others when, in actuality, I'm just another face to whine at. I'm just another dog to kick. I'm not a true person to anyone. I'm not the kind of person that people think about when I'm not in their face. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it is.
And, in a way, that's completely normal. I should accept it and call it life. But I have a hard time doing that when I know that so many people run through my mind in a real way every single day and I'm not even in the back of theirs.
I swear, I don't mean this to be a negative, attention grabbing post but hey. I need to think about myself, even if it's for five minutes.
I wish I could say I was done but it's not my personality. I doubt I will ever be done trying to fix people, trying to help and always trying to keep from letting people down. But it gets to be really hard when I have no expectations of anyone and I still get let down.
For once, I want someone to shoot me a text and just say hi because they thought of me without having to prompt an interaction.
For once, I want to be able to know that I can take a break without devastating someone and giving them the impression that I'm selfish or I don't care.
Why am I expected to care twenty-four/seven when I don't get even five minutes of care from anyone? Life's not fair, I get it, but it makes me really want to just detached and keep my head down, trudging through life with no expectations from anyone or from me.
I guess this is my lot in life. Okay. I just wish I had been given a heads up so I could prepare myself for this.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN!?
So, a lot has happened recently.
A lot but not really. It's more like...a lot of different forks are cropping up in my path and I have no idea which direction to take, which fork leads where, which path is really for me.
I thought I knew, I KNEW, what I was going to do with the next few years of my life. I was going for certain stability to start myself off right. Sure, it was going to be tough but I could manage and I'd be better off in five years for it.
But, recently, as in the last few weeks, the certain feeling I had began to crumble. And not just crumble. It was like...I stared at my chosen path and I began to pick out glaring cracks, garbage littering the way. Cigarette butts, empty soda cans, used tissue. There was even a bit of a smell. It was familiar, unpleasant...lingering. What's the smell, you ask? It's a foul secretion from a foul end, so to speak. It burns, it yanks, it revolts. There, just barely on top of it, was a faint mist of a sickly sweetness. Tasty.
Sure, I could see some coins amongst the junk and boy howdy, I bet tons of them are Lincoln side up pennies! Lots of luck there! But...was I really willing to rummage through it all? Did I truly have the tools to get the good out of the rest?
The answer that came to me was unfair, it didn't make me feel good and it left me more confused than anything.
I need to start all over.
But...that's not what I wanted to hear at all. I have made my decision and I intended to stick to it because that's what I need to do to get ahead in life. Then another thought came to me. Would I really be getting ahead in life or would I just be postponing, killing time until another chapter forced itself open?
The more I thought about my future, imagined it and pictured it, I didn't like what I saw. And the last time I had a feeling like this, where I couldn't picture anything good, I ended up being correct in realizing my happiness was at stake.
'No...I really must be trying to talk myself out of it. This is my CHOICE. I have always had a choice and this is what I want. It's what I need. Right?'
This back and forth has been bouncing through my mind ever since my dilemma has reared its ugly head. It's constantly in my head, constantly making me question and doubt myself. I know a bit of it comes from my own lack of self-confidence but another part comes from a much deeper understanding I have. An understanding that, while many opportunities will come to me, some seeming to be fantastic and wonderful, everything comes with worms. But I don't need to put up with every worm in my apple.
Every path has cracks and has some form of junk on it. But this one that I had chosen, it didn't belong to me. It was meant for someone else. My path is littered with something much different. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just need to allow myself to believe it.
I don't know what's in my path yet. But I know that a day is coming, and it'll be soon, that I need to choose one way or another. And I'll need to live with my decision and the consequences that follow(i.e., the junk, the cracks, the cigarette butts.)
This is much more difficult that I ever thought, even having the support that I do. Obligation, the urge for independence, the need to be self-sufficient, these things are both a blessing and a curse. They make decisions so hard, especially when you take a clear, considered future and try to throw it aside to take a path you've spent no real time considering.
But the path that has been considered, prayed over, offered, does not offer fulfillment for me. It offers fleeting happiness.
I suppose all paths are like that though, aren't they? Every decision has pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. No life will be easy, no road is going to be perfectly paved. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to dance over the cracks, pick up the junk on my way, trip and stumble over rocks and weeds.
But I am afraid to make a decision and find myself stuck. Find myself in a place I am so apathetic towards, I have no desire to make changes for myself. I can't live that way, no matter what obligation says. No matter what the pros say, the cons cost far too much for my mental health.
Is this a fleeting fear? I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But I'm seeing many things in a new light and it concerns me. I have a vision of where I want to be in any given amount of time. And this path promises getting me to point A, but where does it leave me when time runs out for point B? What about point C?
I don't believe in point B1, point C2. No. I want my road to have milestones I can shoot for. Not ones that I need to quickly decide on because my chances for the others have gone away. That's not fair to me. And for once, I think I want to do something that's fair to me.
Is that so wrong?
No.
So, this blog post will end with me putting on my boots, taking a deep breath, still staring at the forks in front of me. What has been decided?
I will chase after my own happiness. I will stumble on the way, I'll notice other faults in me and my choices. But I will do the best I can and I feel like I will be more fulfilled if I am patient and let myself explore a different way.
A lot but not really. It's more like...a lot of different forks are cropping up in my path and I have no idea which direction to take, which fork leads where, which path is really for me.
I thought I knew, I KNEW, what I was going to do with the next few years of my life. I was going for certain stability to start myself off right. Sure, it was going to be tough but I could manage and I'd be better off in five years for it.
But, recently, as in the last few weeks, the certain feeling I had began to crumble. And not just crumble. It was like...I stared at my chosen path and I began to pick out glaring cracks, garbage littering the way. Cigarette butts, empty soda cans, used tissue. There was even a bit of a smell. It was familiar, unpleasant...lingering. What's the smell, you ask? It's a foul secretion from a foul end, so to speak. It burns, it yanks, it revolts. There, just barely on top of it, was a faint mist of a sickly sweetness. Tasty.
Sure, I could see some coins amongst the junk and boy howdy, I bet tons of them are Lincoln side up pennies! Lots of luck there! But...was I really willing to rummage through it all? Did I truly have the tools to get the good out of the rest?
The answer that came to me was unfair, it didn't make me feel good and it left me more confused than anything.
I need to start all over.
But...that's not what I wanted to hear at all. I have made my decision and I intended to stick to it because that's what I need to do to get ahead in life. Then another thought came to me. Would I really be getting ahead in life or would I just be postponing, killing time until another chapter forced itself open?
The more I thought about my future, imagined it and pictured it, I didn't like what I saw. And the last time I had a feeling like this, where I couldn't picture anything good, I ended up being correct in realizing my happiness was at stake.
'No...I really must be trying to talk myself out of it. This is my CHOICE. I have always had a choice and this is what I want. It's what I need. Right?'
This back and forth has been bouncing through my mind ever since my dilemma has reared its ugly head. It's constantly in my head, constantly making me question and doubt myself. I know a bit of it comes from my own lack of self-confidence but another part comes from a much deeper understanding I have. An understanding that, while many opportunities will come to me, some seeming to be fantastic and wonderful, everything comes with worms. But I don't need to put up with every worm in my apple.
Every path has cracks and has some form of junk on it. But this one that I had chosen, it didn't belong to me. It was meant for someone else. My path is littered with something much different. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just need to allow myself to believe it.
I don't know what's in my path yet. But I know that a day is coming, and it'll be soon, that I need to choose one way or another. And I'll need to live with my decision and the consequences that follow(i.e., the junk, the cracks, the cigarette butts.)
This is much more difficult that I ever thought, even having the support that I do. Obligation, the urge for independence, the need to be self-sufficient, these things are both a blessing and a curse. They make decisions so hard, especially when you take a clear, considered future and try to throw it aside to take a path you've spent no real time considering.
But the path that has been considered, prayed over, offered, does not offer fulfillment for me. It offers fleeting happiness.
I suppose all paths are like that though, aren't they? Every decision has pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. No life will be easy, no road is going to be perfectly paved. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to dance over the cracks, pick up the junk on my way, trip and stumble over rocks and weeds.
But I am afraid to make a decision and find myself stuck. Find myself in a place I am so apathetic towards, I have no desire to make changes for myself. I can't live that way, no matter what obligation says. No matter what the pros say, the cons cost far too much for my mental health.
Is this a fleeting fear? I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But I'm seeing many things in a new light and it concerns me. I have a vision of where I want to be in any given amount of time. And this path promises getting me to point A, but where does it leave me when time runs out for point B? What about point C?
I don't believe in point B1, point C2. No. I want my road to have milestones I can shoot for. Not ones that I need to quickly decide on because my chances for the others have gone away. That's not fair to me. And for once, I think I want to do something that's fair to me.
Is that so wrong?
No.
So, this blog post will end with me putting on my boots, taking a deep breath, still staring at the forks in front of me. What has been decided?
I will chase after my own happiness. I will stumble on the way, I'll notice other faults in me and my choices. But I will do the best I can and I feel like I will be more fulfilled if I am patient and let myself explore a different way.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Survivor: The Piranha Pool
So, the phrase, 'dog eat dog world,' I never really understood it until the harsh reality of being an adult hit me in the gut. Granted, I'm a young adult, so young, in fact, that I still have 'teen' in my age. But, despite that, I like to think that I know a few things.
One such thing that I know? Survivor SUCKS.
Ever seen that show? A bunch of 'random' folks end up in some dramatic situation and have to, well, survive in order to win the...hundred buck prize or a poster or something. While we watch from our comfy sofas in our fat pants, that just so happen to have some Cheeto powder on them in the shape of smeary fingerprints, we watch these people perform tasks, fight to win, make alliances, stab in the back and chalk it up to entertainment.
Wait, is Survivor still airing? I dunno.
Well, in any case, it USED to be something a lot of people loved to watch. But it's not so fun to live, especially in every day life.
Forming friendships in a scary place doesn't always mean good things. If you're thrown into the deep end of the Piranha pool and told to get to swimmin', you're bound to get hurt in a big way. You find ways to adapt, but you learn the hard way that none of those goldfish with teeth can be trusted.
What happens at that point? Well, when you 'adapt,' you either start growing gills and filing teeth or you pray to God you can get out with all your favorite appendages.
I feel as if I've managed to get my way to the edge, find a comfortable little bubble that allows me to interact and go about my business somewhat merrily. Unfortunately, something I didn't seem to understand the first time around, PIRANHAS HAVE SHARP FREAKING TEETH. A comfort bubble doesn't stand a chance. Why does the beastly fish feel the need to attack? To preserve itself. You're a threat, even when they trust you and it goes the other way for you as well. They're a threat, even when not immediately so.
Survival of the fittest isn't as entertaining when you realize how much it applies to so many facets in life. While my personal life has been returning to it's happy and comfortable place, there are other aspects of my life that I find are having surprising stresses and upsets. I don't like not knowing where I stand. I don't like not knowing who I can trust because it seems that people keep giving me reasons to stop opening my mouth to anyone that isn't me. I can't sell myself out, I can't misinterpret my own thoughts. I can trust myself, usually.
Anyway, I guess this post is mainly to say that, as much as it sucks sometimes, be true to yourself and don't be afraid of loyalty.
Being loyal doesn't make you a bad person or any less of a fantastic folk. Sometimes it might not always be positive or popular, it's scary and sometimes hard, but when you find a way to survive in this crazy game without losing yourself and turning into a monster, hold onto it tight.
I'm still struggling to see where I stand and what exactly my place is but when I know, I hope that I'll have to personal strength to be the person I want to be.
Try to inspire people to be better in all places.
You never know who is watching.
If you do your best, you'll find that there is always something better than the worst thing you've encountered. Keep striving to find that 'better.' Don't give up, you never know how close you are if you stop searching.
Also, it's okay to be careful who you trust. Don't spill your soul to everyone who will listen. Wait to find the ones that aren't just looking for dirt to get you voted off the island.
One such thing that I know? Survivor SUCKS.
Ever seen that show? A bunch of 'random' folks end up in some dramatic situation and have to, well, survive in order to win the...hundred buck prize or a poster or something. While we watch from our comfy sofas in our fat pants, that just so happen to have some Cheeto powder on them in the shape of smeary fingerprints, we watch these people perform tasks, fight to win, make alliances, stab in the back and chalk it up to entertainment.
Wait, is Survivor still airing? I dunno.
Well, in any case, it USED to be something a lot of people loved to watch. But it's not so fun to live, especially in every day life.
Forming friendships in a scary place doesn't always mean good things. If you're thrown into the deep end of the Piranha pool and told to get to swimmin', you're bound to get hurt in a big way. You find ways to adapt, but you learn the hard way that none of those goldfish with teeth can be trusted.
What happens at that point? Well, when you 'adapt,' you either start growing gills and filing teeth or you pray to God you can get out with all your favorite appendages.
I feel as if I've managed to get my way to the edge, find a comfortable little bubble that allows me to interact and go about my business somewhat merrily. Unfortunately, something I didn't seem to understand the first time around, PIRANHAS HAVE SHARP FREAKING TEETH. A comfort bubble doesn't stand a chance. Why does the beastly fish feel the need to attack? To preserve itself. You're a threat, even when they trust you and it goes the other way for you as well. They're a threat, even when not immediately so.
Survival of the fittest isn't as entertaining when you realize how much it applies to so many facets in life. While my personal life has been returning to it's happy and comfortable place, there are other aspects of my life that I find are having surprising stresses and upsets. I don't like not knowing where I stand. I don't like not knowing who I can trust because it seems that people keep giving me reasons to stop opening my mouth to anyone that isn't me. I can't sell myself out, I can't misinterpret my own thoughts. I can trust myself, usually.
Anyway, I guess this post is mainly to say that, as much as it sucks sometimes, be true to yourself and don't be afraid of loyalty.
Being loyal doesn't make you a bad person or any less of a fantastic folk. Sometimes it might not always be positive or popular, it's scary and sometimes hard, but when you find a way to survive in this crazy game without losing yourself and turning into a monster, hold onto it tight.
I'm still struggling to see where I stand and what exactly my place is but when I know, I hope that I'll have to personal strength to be the person I want to be.
Try to inspire people to be better in all places.
You never know who is watching.
If you do your best, you'll find that there is always something better than the worst thing you've encountered. Keep striving to find that 'better.' Don't give up, you never know how close you are if you stop searching.
Also, it's okay to be careful who you trust. Don't spill your soul to everyone who will listen. Wait to find the ones that aren't just looking for dirt to get you voted off the island.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Getting back on the horse called Life
Alright, well, here goes.
The past few months, a lot has gone on. A lot has been decided on, whether it be a decision I made or one that someone else made involving me, but in any case, many things have popped up in my life and then disappeared.
I'm now 19 years old and, although I used to know, I'm on the path of finding myself again.
For a long while, a lot of who I was just fell dormant. I'm not sure how it happened but one day, I found that I didn't want to bother writing anymore. I didn't want to challenge myself to put to paper the words that are already in my head, even though they've been there for years. I found that I didn't want to read anything that took longer than five minutes. All I wanted to do in my free time was numb my mind with Netflix. I still had a testimony of my faith but it was faint.
It got a burst when I received my Patriarchal blessing but then, in time, that spiritual lift left as well. I went to church, I tried to pay tithing whenever I had money, I went to mutual, I finished my Personal Progress and I always did whatever I was asked in the church. I gave talks in church to the congregation, I teach my little children how to develop their own testimonies yet I was numb. I believed, I knew it was all true but I had no real burning desire to grow or advance my knowledge.
In other words, the Kayelee that was grew into a Kayelee that didn't have passion about anything in any real sense.
I wasn't content to live my life doing nothing but I didn't have a whole lot of drive to follow through with anything. I graduated high school and, while I wanted to get to college, I didn't have any drive to pursue. I wanted a job because I like working, I like making my own money and paying my bills but I had no desire to REALLY find a job most of the time.
I allowed myself to get discouraged in many ways.
Now, my life was never all darkness and gloom. I have a family that loves me entirely and I adore them even when they might not know it. I have a few friends that have made it clear they love me and want to see me happy.
I have a loving church family that wants nothing more than to see me succeed after they watched me grow up. I had all these wonderful supports that I NEVER UTILIZED.
I mentioned earlier about not being content, but at the same time, I was content. I kind of assumed that my life would be kickstarted soon enough when specific events began to play out. Well, that's not nearly good enough. So, what exactly was wrong with my life?
1. I had no job
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so.
4. I took my easy life for granted.
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
6. I let my morals relax just enough
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past.
8. I had no faith in humanity. (Well, I still don't, really, but have you SEEN humanity lately?)
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.
A few weeks before Christmas 2013, I got a call that I was excited to get but I also dreaded a little bit.
The manager at my local PetSmart got my job application and passed it along to another manager in his store. She wanted to hire me. In less than a week, I was employed.
It was fast and shocking and wonderful. I was told I was going to be a bather in the grooming salon. Not what I had applied for, but I was grateful to have a job opportunity. A part-time job opportunity, but a job opportunity anyway.
I learned quickly that most of the people I'd come to work with regularly were people I, for the most part, was happy to associate with. Most of us don't share any of the same values, but many of them treated me kindly, taught me and I found a lot of respect for them.
Unfortunately, I had absolutely no experience in this field. None at all, besides being a pet owner, I had never even thought of working with animals. So, the first few weeks were incredibly difficult. I often wondered if I'd be able to continue or if I just needed to settle and apply for a job I considered easy in comparison, a job I knew I didn't want.
I still struggle, some days are horrifying but others, most of the time, are extremely pleasant, filled with laughter, doggy kisses, and a whole lot of water, not to mention the toenail trimmings.
But I've come to the point where, while I know this is not my last stop on my career train, I don't despise my work. I'm still grateful for the job, the opportunities, and the skills I've been learning. I don't contemplate applying to everywhere on the planet to escape my workplace. I find that I do enjoy my job even if I'm less fond of the drama that comes with working in small spaces with ten people.
Recently, I had the pleasure to train in another bather. She's a very sweet girl, I'm glad to consider her a friend even though we've known each other for a few weeks only. The funny thing was, and I don't know if she'll ever know this, but knowing her has helped my testimony and my actions.
When I would get frustrated at work, it was far too easy for me to slip up and behave in a way that I didn't want to. I wanted to stand out, even if it was for being innocent and 'uncorrupted' but how could I want to teach these people, my coworkers, that this was how I was and how I wanted to be seen if I didn't show it all the time?
If I didn't set an example and live my beliefs, how could I go about trying to live my life those ways everywhere but work?
If my PROFESSIONAL persona wasn't up to snuff with how I was at home, was it worth having a persona at all? I never wanted to be one that bent the rules to fit in or compromised what I knew to be right so I didn't stand out.
When my new bather came in, I noticed that she had a softer demeanor, she spoke carefully, she was pleasant, and she wasn't afraid to talk of God in her life.
I was amazed.
I knew I wanted to be better and I had started on that path, but I didn't realize how much I needed someone to MAKE me WANT to be a better example. My managers expected professionalism around customers, but when it was the groomers alone, it was like chatting with bar buddies.
Don't get me wrong, I love the relaxed atmosphere but I had no one that encouraged me to better until this girl came in. Come to find out, this girl was raised in the same religion I was.
She had the same knowledge of the same values. She's got her own struggles right now but most of her issues come from hypocrisy within the religion.
OH MY GOODNESS.
Not only do I have a girl who's got a sweet, nice nature that inspires me to be better, but now, I want to show her that it's very possible to have a happy life within the church and to help inspire her faith again. How can I sing the virtues of the church if I WON'T ACT LIKE I BELIEVE IN THEM?
Since knowing her, since deciding to be a good example for, not only her, but everyone I meet, I have found the love for my faith. The gratitude for my knowledge, the strength of my testimony,all because my Heavenly Father sent someone to me to HELP ME while allowing me to help her.
So, in a matter of weeks, I had a job that I valued, that allowed me to handle my responsibilities, as well as the ability to firm my own foundation in my core beliefs that I am building for my life.
1. I had no job
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so.
4. I took my easy life for granted.
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
6. I let my morals relax just enough
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past.
8. I had no faith in humanity.
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.
Suddenly, I could find that in my spare time, I was becoming CONTENT and HAPPY.
It's funny, when you have some sort of proof that life is beginning to change for the better, you have a stronger desire to sort out the rest.
Unfortunately, sometimes, they get sorted in ways that we don't expect or want.
Shortly after the beginning of the year, as I was settling into my job and beginning to get my life started, a shocking upset sunk my heart straight to my feet.
The person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with decided that he had no interest in any of it anymore.
At this point, I don't know if he ever did, but I know that I made a lot of things easy for him. When I began to make things uncomfortable or 'difficult,' there was nothing good enough to make it better.
I still hurt in this regard, especially as I dissect the situation constantly. I mourn my own loss, I cry for my own foolishness and the ability I had given someone to hurt me so badly. As much as I kick myself for wasting my time for so long, I'm, surprisingly, not too bitter about it. I'm simply done.
I keep myself busy and I'm beginning to open myself up to the realization that this was completely necessary for me to be truly happy. In my sadness, I've turned a lot of energy to my job as well as tending to my affairs at home.
I recently began the process of organizing my room and, in that process, discovered that, over the years, I had collected more books than I ever realized. When I started tearing up after discovering that I had specific books and didn't find others I expected, I remembered the love I have for reading. The love I have for losing myself in a world that forces me to see things from someone else's perspective, to jump into magical worlds, to face the horrors and dangers in someone else's mind.
Around the same time I had rediscovered my adoration of the written word, the rest of my own story came to me. I know how it's going to end, how it's supposed to be wrapped up. Having this entire story in my head, I know how the drive to write it down and share it with anyone interested.
Even if no one was interested, it would be a huge testament to myself, the physical result of a long-standing goal, the beginning to much more.
I've also started to save money so I can go spend a few weeks in Ireland. I have never had much interest in travelling, but I have always wanted to see the green hills, the awe-inspiring castles, meet some of the people I would otherwise miss out on.
I also decided to use this trip as a reward. I'll save up for a few years and when I graduate with my degree(I haven't decided how far to go yet) in Early Childhood Development, I'll go to Ireland before jumpstarting my career. (I'm looking to get started in classes this fall or next spring. Saving money to do so, funny enough.)
I also had a strange urge. I was walking along in Walmart and I came across all of the cake decorating items. I used to love decorating cakes, baking, experimenting with flavors and different recipes. Now, if I cook or bake, it's out of need and there's very little I can actually play around with. I almost considered spending every penny I had on supplies to bake and decorate cakes in serious manner.
I still intend to, I just need to find a time when I came spend a few hours to make a nice cake from scratch and make the fondant, roll it, make edible flowers and all of these little things that I've discovered I really want to do.
And, for once in a long time, I have a positive feeling about the outcome with most of these things. Sure, I'm a little afraid that college won't be as easy for me as I hope, but otherwise, I'm confident that I WILL graduate, I WILL find a successful career and I WILL be happy.
The bumps in the road, the curveballs, none of that can hurt me for long. I see where I'm going.
I can see my future and it gets closer with every day, every step.
Funny how the events in a few months can change who we are, how we see the world, and how we feel about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
1. I had no job
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so.
4. I took my easy life for granted.
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
6. I let my morals relax just enough
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past.
8. I had no faith in humanity.
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.
Huh.
That list, it certainly looks like my problems are getting handled, doesn't it?
I know life will never be 'easy,' but it's certainly easier to look forward to things, to have hope, to believe in positivity.
So, I'm hoping to blog two or three times a week, as well as working on getting my stories on paper and getting back into soaking up the stories of others.
I am happy, even at my saddest point, I'm grateful for my life, my family, I'm grateful to be me.
I know where I'm going and, while I might not know how it's all going to come to pass, I know it will.
I know some choices will be made for me and I'll have my own to make, but I can handle it.
I know it.
I believe it.
I believe in me for once.
For a long while, a lot of who I was just fell dormant. I'm not sure how it happened but one day, I found that I didn't want to bother writing anymore. I didn't want to challenge myself to put to paper the words that are already in my head, even though they've been there for years. I found that I didn't want to read anything that took longer than five minutes. All I wanted to do in my free time was numb my mind with Netflix. I still had a testimony of my faith but it was faint.
It got a burst when I received my Patriarchal blessing but then, in time, that spiritual lift left as well. I went to church, I tried to pay tithing whenever I had money, I went to mutual, I finished my Personal Progress and I always did whatever I was asked in the church. I gave talks in church to the congregation, I teach my little children how to develop their own testimonies yet I was numb. I believed, I knew it was all true but I had no real burning desire to grow or advance my knowledge.
In other words, the Kayelee that was grew into a Kayelee that didn't have passion about anything in any real sense.
I wasn't content to live my life doing nothing but I didn't have a whole lot of drive to follow through with anything. I graduated high school and, while I wanted to get to college, I didn't have any drive to pursue. I wanted a job because I like working, I like making my own money and paying my bills but I had no desire to REALLY find a job most of the time.
I allowed myself to get discouraged in many ways.
Now, my life was never all darkness and gloom. I have a family that loves me entirely and I adore them even when they might not know it. I have a few friends that have made it clear they love me and want to see me happy.
I have a loving church family that wants nothing more than to see me succeed after they watched me grow up. I had all these wonderful supports that I NEVER UTILIZED.
I mentioned earlier about not being content, but at the same time, I was content. I kind of assumed that my life would be kickstarted soon enough when specific events began to play out. Well, that's not nearly good enough. So, what exactly was wrong with my life?
1. I had no job
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so.
4. I took my easy life for granted.
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
6. I let my morals relax just enough
7. I had beliefs but I had no VALUE of my beliefs, even though I knew exactly what my beliefs had done for me in the past.
8. I had no faith in humanity. (Well, I still don't, really, but have you SEEN humanity lately?)
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.
A few weeks before Christmas 2013, I got a call that I was excited to get but I also dreaded a little bit.
The manager at my local PetSmart got my job application and passed it along to another manager in his store. She wanted to hire me. In less than a week, I was employed.
It was fast and shocking and wonderful. I was told I was going to be a bather in the grooming salon. Not what I had applied for, but I was grateful to have a job opportunity. A part-time job opportunity, but a job opportunity anyway.
I learned quickly that most of the people I'd come to work with regularly were people I, for the most part, was happy to associate with. Most of us don't share any of the same values, but many of them treated me kindly, taught me and I found a lot of respect for them.
Unfortunately, I had absolutely no experience in this field. None at all, besides being a pet owner, I had never even thought of working with animals. So, the first few weeks were incredibly difficult. I often wondered if I'd be able to continue or if I just needed to settle and apply for a job I considered easy in comparison, a job I knew I didn't want.
I still struggle, some days are horrifying but others, most of the time, are extremely pleasant, filled with laughter, doggy kisses, and a whole lot of water, not to mention the toenail trimmings.
But I've come to the point where, while I know this is not my last stop on my career train, I don't despise my work. I'm still grateful for the job, the opportunities, and the skills I've been learning. I don't contemplate applying to everywhere on the planet to escape my workplace. I find that I do enjoy my job even if I'm less fond of the drama that comes with working in small spaces with ten people.
Recently, I had the pleasure to train in another bather. She's a very sweet girl, I'm glad to consider her a friend even though we've known each other for a few weeks only. The funny thing was, and I don't know if she'll ever know this, but knowing her has helped my testimony and my actions.
When I would get frustrated at work, it was far too easy for me to slip up and behave in a way that I didn't want to. I wanted to stand out, even if it was for being innocent and 'uncorrupted' but how could I want to teach these people, my coworkers, that this was how I was and how I wanted to be seen if I didn't show it all the time?
If I didn't set an example and live my beliefs, how could I go about trying to live my life those ways everywhere but work?
If my PROFESSIONAL persona wasn't up to snuff with how I was at home, was it worth having a persona at all? I never wanted to be one that bent the rules to fit in or compromised what I knew to be right so I didn't stand out.
When my new bather came in, I noticed that she had a softer demeanor, she spoke carefully, she was pleasant, and she wasn't afraid to talk of God in her life.
I was amazed.
I knew I wanted to be better and I had started on that path, but I didn't realize how much I needed someone to MAKE me WANT to be a better example. My managers expected professionalism around customers, but when it was the groomers alone, it was like chatting with bar buddies.
Don't get me wrong, I love the relaxed atmosphere but I had no one that encouraged me to better until this girl came in. Come to find out, this girl was raised in the same religion I was.
She had the same knowledge of the same values. She's got her own struggles right now but most of her issues come from hypocrisy within the religion.
OH MY GOODNESS.
Not only do I have a girl who's got a sweet, nice nature that inspires me to be better, but now, I want to show her that it's very possible to have a happy life within the church and to help inspire her faith again. How can I sing the virtues of the church if I WON'T ACT LIKE I BELIEVE IN THEM?
Since knowing her, since deciding to be a good example for, not only her, but everyone I meet, I have found the love for my faith. The gratitude for my knowledge, the strength of my testimony,all because my Heavenly Father sent someone to me to HELP ME while allowing me to help her.
So, in a matter of weeks, I had a job that I valued, that allowed me to handle my responsibilities, as well as the ability to firm my own foundation in my core beliefs that I am building for my life.
2. I had no drive to go to school to prepare for a CAREER
3. I spent far too long waiting on someone who had no desire to see me grow in any regard, someone who had no desire to better themselves or encourage me to do so.
5. I gave up my hobbies, my passions.
8. I had no faith in humanity.
9. I had no faith in myself, in who I was and wanted to be.
Suddenly, I could find that in my spare time, I was becoming CONTENT and HAPPY.
It's funny, when you have some sort of proof that life is beginning to change for the better, you have a stronger desire to sort out the rest.
Unfortunately, sometimes, they get sorted in ways that we don't expect or want.
Shortly after the beginning of the year, as I was settling into my job and beginning to get my life started, a shocking upset sunk my heart straight to my feet.
The person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with decided that he had no interest in any of it anymore.
At this point, I don't know if he ever did, but I know that I made a lot of things easy for him. When I began to make things uncomfortable or 'difficult,' there was nothing good enough to make it better.
I still hurt in this regard, especially as I dissect the situation constantly. I mourn my own loss, I cry for my own foolishness and the ability I had given someone to hurt me so badly. As much as I kick myself for wasting my time for so long, I'm, surprisingly, not too bitter about it. I'm simply done.
I keep myself busy and I'm beginning to open myself up to the realization that this was completely necessary for me to be truly happy. In my sadness, I've turned a lot of energy to my job as well as tending to my affairs at home.
I recently began the process of organizing my room and, in that process, discovered that, over the years, I had collected more books than I ever realized. When I started tearing up after discovering that I had specific books and didn't find others I expected, I remembered the love I have for reading. The love I have for losing myself in a world that forces me to see things from someone else's perspective, to jump into magical worlds, to face the horrors and dangers in someone else's mind.
Around the same time I had rediscovered my adoration of the written word, the rest of my own story came to me. I know how it's going to end, how it's supposed to be wrapped up. Having this entire story in my head, I know how the drive to write it down and share it with anyone interested.
Even if no one was interested, it would be a huge testament to myself, the physical result of a long-standing goal, the beginning to much more.
I've also started to save money so I can go spend a few weeks in Ireland. I have never had much interest in travelling, but I have always wanted to see the green hills, the awe-inspiring castles, meet some of the people I would otherwise miss out on.
I also decided to use this trip as a reward. I'll save up for a few years and when I graduate with my degree(I haven't decided how far to go yet) in Early Childhood Development, I'll go to Ireland before jumpstarting my career. (I'm looking to get started in classes this fall or next spring. Saving money to do so, funny enough.)
I also had a strange urge. I was walking along in Walmart and I came across all of the cake decorating items. I used to love decorating cakes, baking, experimenting with flavors and different recipes. Now, if I cook or bake, it's out of need and there's very little I can actually play around with. I almost considered spending every penny I had on supplies to bake and decorate cakes in serious manner.
I still intend to, I just need to find a time when I came spend a few hours to make a nice cake from scratch and make the fondant, roll it, make edible flowers and all of these little things that I've discovered I really want to do.
And, for once in a long time, I have a positive feeling about the outcome with most of these things. Sure, I'm a little afraid that college won't be as easy for me as I hope, but otherwise, I'm confident that I WILL graduate, I WILL find a successful career and I WILL be happy.
The bumps in the road, the curveballs, none of that can hurt me for long. I see where I'm going.
I can see my future and it gets closer with every day, every step.
Funny how the events in a few months can change who we are, how we see the world, and how we feel about the good, the bad, and the ugly.
8. I had no faith in humanity.
Huh.
That list, it certainly looks like my problems are getting handled, doesn't it?
I know life will never be 'easy,' but it's certainly easier to look forward to things, to have hope, to believe in positivity.
So, I'm hoping to blog two or three times a week, as well as working on getting my stories on paper and getting back into soaking up the stories of others.
I am happy, even at my saddest point, I'm grateful for my life, my family, I'm grateful to be me.
I know where I'm going and, while I might not know how it's all going to come to pass, I know it will.
I know some choices will be made for me and I'll have my own to make, but I can handle it.
I know it.
I believe it.
I believe in me for once.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Well played...
You know, I like to think of myself as someone who will always be there for a friend, even when things get hard. I'm finding myself talking my things out of alot lately. I over-think things and I allow myself to get caught up in drama I could easily avoid.
I hate to think that I don't want to do anymore, shouting 'til my face turns blue, advising until I choke on my words, thinking until my brain literally shuts off. I can only talk to a wall for SO long. Then I feel like I should take a gigantic sledgehammer to the wall..but we all know that doesn't solve anything.
See, I talk to myself all the time, so I do, in fact, know how annoying and repetitive I can be. No need to point it out, Wall. But hey, it'd be nice if maybe you can stop pretending that I'm getting through when I know you're just doing your own thing on the side you keep turned from me.
So, this is what I have to say to you, Wall.
I'm so close to being done. I can't do this forever.
I love having family that actually cares about me enough to tell me that I'M TALKING TO A BRICK WALL AND LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.
Oh well. Life happens..I just need to get used to it and man up a bit lol.
I hate to think that I don't want to do anymore, shouting 'til my face turns blue, advising until I choke on my words, thinking until my brain literally shuts off. I can only talk to a wall for SO long. Then I feel like I should take a gigantic sledgehammer to the wall..but we all know that doesn't solve anything.
See, I talk to myself all the time, so I do, in fact, know how annoying and repetitive I can be. No need to point it out, Wall. But hey, it'd be nice if maybe you can stop pretending that I'm getting through when I know you're just doing your own thing on the side you keep turned from me.
So, this is what I have to say to you, Wall.
I'm so close to being done. I can't do this forever.
I love having family that actually cares about me enough to tell me that I'M TALKING TO A BRICK WALL AND LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT.
Oh well. Life happens..I just need to get used to it and man up a bit lol.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy(?) New Year
Wow. It's the new year and I'm wondering how it'll work. I'm turning sixteen in February, which means...I get to drive(more) and get a job. We're starting a new curriculum for school this year, and let me tell you, it looks great. I'm excited but also concerned. The LDS prom is on March 19th, which means, I can go if I want. But do I want to? I'll have lots of choices to make, good and bad, but hopefully, I can grow to understand myself even better. This year has opened my eyes quite a bit to how I feel about myself and old friends, new friends.
I know what I want in a friend and now, I'm not afraid to say it.
Anyway, with the epiphany I've had this past year, what will I learn and discover in the new year?
*crosses fingers* Let's hope it's good.
I know what I want in a friend and now, I'm not afraid to say it.
Anyway, with the epiphany I've had this past year, what will I learn and discover in the new year?
*crosses fingers* Let's hope it's good.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Should be in bed...
Okay, okay. I know it's late and I need to sleep, but I feel like there are so many things I need to say to so many people. I'm quite content with my life now, but as I look at all my old friends, I see their lives going on right in front of me, and they've chosen to keep me out of it. I can't help but hurt when I see that.
Another thing that really bothers me, what's up with the whole 'Oh, 2011 will change my life for the better! It'll be amazing!' Maybe I'm just a pessimist ( or realist, to some people) but I don't see the appeal. My life will not change one single iota when the clock turns to midnight on New Year's. I mean, I'll still have the same struggles, the same insecurities, the same frusterations from the little things. I guess I have a hard time understanding people I no longer know. Is that such a bad thing, though?
Sometimes I wonder, how close am I to letting go of everyone that has made it clear that they don't need or want me in their life? How close am I to being okay with it all? I get to a point where I'm thrilled and I'm glad to have a new friend, but then I feel as if I reliving the same problems I had with other people I considered friends and I can't prevent it. Maybe it's just my personality and I'll get used to it.
What if it takes me thirty years though? Will I have a good month, then a month where I cry over things I've already cried a river for? I can't stand that. Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm not depressed because I can feel happiness and joy, which I've experienced so much in the past few weeks, but then, when I'm all alone and it's quiet, the voices in my head start replaying situations, feeding off of little bits of information I get, or lack thereof. It's driving me insane. I hate it.
I know that when I wake up, I'll have a fresh perspective and I'll go back to my regular feelings of 'Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they have before it's too late with their new friends.' I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.
P.S. I'm so sorry for this. I get infuriated when I read whiney posts like mine. I just can't talk to myself anymore. *laugh*
Another thing that really bothers me, what's up with the whole 'Oh, 2011 will change my life for the better! It'll be amazing!' Maybe I'm just a pessimist ( or realist, to some people) but I don't see the appeal. My life will not change one single iota when the clock turns to midnight on New Year's. I mean, I'll still have the same struggles, the same insecurities, the same frusterations from the little things. I guess I have a hard time understanding people I no longer know. Is that such a bad thing, though?
Sometimes I wonder, how close am I to letting go of everyone that has made it clear that they don't need or want me in their life? How close am I to being okay with it all? I get to a point where I'm thrilled and I'm glad to have a new friend, but then I feel as if I reliving the same problems I had with other people I considered friends and I can't prevent it. Maybe it's just my personality and I'll get used to it.
What if it takes me thirty years though? Will I have a good month, then a month where I cry over things I've already cried a river for? I can't stand that. Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm not depressed because I can feel happiness and joy, which I've experienced so much in the past few weeks, but then, when I'm all alone and it's quiet, the voices in my head start replaying situations, feeding off of little bits of information I get, or lack thereof. It's driving me insane. I hate it.
I know that when I wake up, I'll have a fresh perspective and I'll go back to my regular feelings of 'Oh well, maybe they'll realize what they have before it's too late with their new friends.' I'm just not sure I want to wait that long.
P.S. I'm so sorry for this. I get infuriated when I read whiney posts like mine. I just can't talk to myself anymore. *laugh*
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