The Big Sleep

So, I have been thinking a lot about this topic for the last few years, but let me preface this by saying, depression is diabolical. Depression is evil and it lies.

A few weeks ago, fashion designer, Kate Spade, took her own life. The world was devastated as they saw someone who was colorful, creative, vibrant and so full of life. Kate struggled with depression. As much has people had warm fuzzies for her, she was unable to feel that love, she felt no peace, and no one on the outskirts of her life (and beyond) had any clue she was in danger.

Not a week later, chef Anthony Bourdain took his life in a hotel room while filming his successful show in France. People who worked closely with him said he was a wonderful man. He was passionate. He cared. Yet, he felt helpless. Alone. Worthless.


Both of these people had family, children, friends. People who did not know them on a personal level looked up to them, adored them. They were successful. They had money, fame, anything anyone could want. This has been addressed. Depression attacks people no matter what their social standing is.

Depression has impacted my life in such a way that it is almost as normal as Phoenix heat. As normal as going to work. As normal as a self deprecating joke. Suicide has touched my life in a very dark way. The guilt that I feel for someone else's suicide is very real, so I can sympathize, empathize with all sides of these families. The people who succumbed to depression, the people who were left behind to try and process.

One thing that I have seen that I CANNOT get behind is how people are discussing a proper way to handle this from the outside.

My social media has been flooded by people sharing the suicide prevention line, offering general blankets of help, which, I fully believe, comes from a good place.

I have also seen many people attacking this, claiming that it is a false aid, not good enough, that someone should just know they are supposed to reach out to someone who looks like they don't need help.

My thought on that is this:

If, as someone who deals with depression, deep sadness, loneliness, if I have no idea what I need, how would I express that to others in a way so they would know how to help me?

If someone who does  not know what depression feels like, sounds like, how are they supposed to know all the lies it tells, and the mask that comes along with it?

Many people are not equipped emotionally or mentally to fix or bolster someone who is dealing with suicidal tendencies or thoughts so it was far more helpful to remind them that there is professional help out there and how easy it is to find.

Yes, we can google that number but a reminder that it is there, when there is only darkness, might be the brightest beacon someone can light. It is far too easy to have words twisted and misinterpreted. I would rather someone tell me that they don't know how to help me but they love me, please, for them, call this number so I can talk to someone who is trained to help than for someone to fumble, say something wrong, and feed the fire that is Depression.

Depression can take a benign comment and turn it into venom, burying it right into your heart. A single slip of the tongue by someone who does not know what to say can unravel the sweater.

At the end of the day, people carry guilt after someone has made this decision. There are different levels. Do not force an unnecessary guilt on someone for helping the best way that they can by admitting they are not equipped, and reminding you that there are resources for you.

We often say 'There was nothing you could have done.'

That applies in this situation, ten fold. Don't assign guilt or belittle someone for not helping as much you think they should.

If they can't see the darkness we hide, what is it we cannot see from them? It goes both ways.

Yes, people should be more educated on this subject and I think that we are really getting there. But booksmarts and experience are very different learning tools.

Some people will never know what depression truly is and we do not wish that on them.

We shouldn't wish that on them.

Let's try to be grateful that they are doing what they can to tell us we are loved, even if it is a blanket statement. That does not make it any less true. 

Take that blanket that is stitched with love, sewed by hands of those who carry needless guilt, and keep it close.

Depression is the enemy.

Not those that will never be in its line of fire.