Another Sleepless Night

I look at my clock in the corner of my computer screen and kick myself when I realize it's really 4:18 a.m. Ugh. Why am I not sleeping? I haven't slept well in a long time, at least, not without some sort of sleep aid. Of course, I didn't take any last night and now it's waaay too late if I want to be a functioning person tomorrow, so, here I am. Just BSing on my blog until I start babbling incoherently.

Life is pretty stagnant, but it feels different. Not too bad. Maybe because it's nearing the end of the year and the last three months of the year, I just pretend life is all skeletons, stuffed turkey, pie, and presents.

4:20 now. Blaze it.

I chuckle stupidly to myself at a really dumb joke. This is pretty much my life currently. I know this won't stay this way forever, but goodness. When the heck am I going to learn to tell a good joke? Seriously? I didn't sign up to get a lifetime of bad jokes.

Been listening to Bowling for Soup for the last hour, getting even more HYPED for this upcoming Monday night, gonna see them in Scottsdale and I got meet'n'greet passes with Will. It's gonna be a good night. I'm willing to bet it'll probably be one of the best nights of my life up to this point. To be honest, I've been looking forward to this concert all year. It's really the only thing that's had any excitement for me in a long time. I get emotional thinking about it.

I hate emotions. Not even a little bit. Nine times out of ten, I wish I didn't have 'em. I wanna be Data. 'That is illogical, Captain.'

Then again, I'd probably have short circuited by now, so, I guess it's good that as a living person, the shelf life is a little better.

What? I don't really know what 'shelf life' is supposed to mean as a person. Conjured up a vision of people Stepford Wives style in a boutique on the shelves, waiting to get purchased. No thanks.

4:25 now.

See how my thought process goes when I'm left to my own devices? It just goes on and on and on. It's never that I'm NOT tired, I just can't ever get to sleep. And when I can, I feel like I have to get as much sleep as possible.

So, you can see my problem. I don't get enough sleep but when I do sleep, I sleep too much at the wrong time. Fffffff.

You know what? I'm gonna take a couple of days off here shortly, like, two days or something, and I'm just gonna drive for the two days. Blaring my music, leaving my phone off and just being alone with myself and my tunes to recalibrate. I think a good vacation is needed. I've never really 'needed' a vacation. Sure I've needed breaks but I think you take vacations when you need a break from life.

And that's not a morbid comment. Nothing like that. My depression has been in check lately, oddly enough, but I'm not needing a break from life in a bad sense like that. Just...a break. A roadtrip with myself and non-stop music. Nothing to think about, just scenery to take in and lyrics to appreciate.

'Let's make this interesting and start all over.' Ah, Bowling for Soup. Most of my friends don't understand or even know this band. They've been a pretty consistent part of my life since I was nine years old. With the blessing of technology, I have the illusion that these guys are actually friends to me. I cherish that idea. These songs, some silly, some heartbreaking, some just warm in general, have done a lot in my life. I never really realize how much until I hear a song and different memories and emotions flood my mind.

Even if I cry, I do love it. I probably always will.

4:34. Why am I still rambling? None of this is important or even an update on anything I've written before. It's just words that are in my head. I should probably be writing all this in like...a notepad on my desktop or something but whatever. I think like...four people read my blog anyway, so, no big deal.

Whoops. Just spent the last two minutes scrolling through FB mindlessly, giggling at Amy Poehler. I love her. And I love Tina Fey. Like...if I could get a peek at myself twenty years from now, I would hope to be like them, even if it is like Tina from 30 Rock. I already relate to Liz Lemon, so, that's not a problem with me.

In face, I WANT to be Liz Lemon. I want to write sketch comedy scripts. You know what? Maybe I should start working on my cartoon script. It's on my bucket list. Write a script for a cartoon. I've been surprised at how many people told me they would read that script if I wrote it. I know I'm good at writing skits and things like that, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be that hard but goodness.

I should do that. I really should. Base it on a grooming salon and have someone illustrate for me. Maybe just do like a comic series. Oh my goodness. I wanna do that.  I can't draw so I need someone to illustrate, but I can write a grooming comic. Easily. EASILY.

I was gonna write a comic with Kenny and Kevin one time. It was gonna be about the three of us. Whoops. That never happened for various reasons. Might be a little weird now if we tried that. Just a lil' bit.

So, I'll do it. I'll write a comic on my own. The dialogue, setting, all that fun stuff. Then after a few of those, maybe I'll do the cartoon script. Eventually, I want to write skits for like...sketch comedy. Like SNL or something. I could do that. Not gonna lie, but I do have a bit of a knack for writing skits and coming up with things like that on the fly. I can do it. I just need to do it. I'm gonna do it.

4:44. Can I make a wish? If I fall asleep tonight, don't let me forget that I do truly want to do these things and that they'd be easy for me to accomplish. The harder things need me to start with the easy and just keep moving. I need to get momentum with my writing.

Shut Up and Smile-Bowling for Soup.

That's what I'm ending my blog post on tonight. A surprisingly positive outlook for my tired state and new goals that don't require me to do anything before accomplishing. All I have to do is just...do.

4:47. Shoot. Almost 5. Is it really too late to take my sleeping pill?

All the change, but no quarters

So, last week, I was griping about change and well, now I have some news. Some big news, for me.

 I had been talking to my store manager, Wayne, and I had recently requested full time, even though I was absolutely certain I wouldn't get it. He had told me the Friday before that it wasn't going to happen, but he'd go through my productivity to see if he can try to convince the district manager that having me full time is a good idea.

Well, I've been searching for another part time job, or something that could be a better financial choice for me and I had taken the last week or so to give it a bit of a rest before searching.

Saturday, after an extra long shift for me, I was chatting with Wayne a little bit and he asked me if I was sure that I wanted full time. I repeated that I did and I felt that I could prove myself. What he said next was shocking.

He told me that Dan(my DM) had approved of my full time and it'll be in effect on Monday, 6-29-15. I was stunned. I was sitting right there as he changed my status in the system and he told me my benefits package was on the way. I felt goosebumps on my arms, just staring in stunned silence before I got a bit giddy.

I've been given the chance that I've been wanting and now, I don't have to find a second job and I can prove that this was not a mistake. I'm so excited for this opportunity and I'm extremely grateful to have my salon family, including my salon manager, all of them supportive and believing in me. They're one of my favorite parts of my day and I feel like I'm very lucky to feel so fondly of this group of women, even if we're all so different. I call them friends without hesitation and I firmly believe we're a work family.

I'm excited to work hard with this position and keep impressing people. I feel like this promotion, which I fully consider it to be, is just another way for me to show that I value the fact that I can work. I am so willing to work hard, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like a good work ethic is something that I don't see very often in peers and I think that it can serve me in every factor of life. It's underappreciated by people who should have it but it's noticed by work peers and such.

So, I came home and told my family. They were extremely proud of me for earning this opportunity and I have to be grateful for their support as well. Then, to make things even better, I won a three month subscription to one of my favorite monthly boxes that actually would have been my last month in July. I had no idea how I would have afforded to reinstate the subscription but now I have three free months ^-^

Just been good changes and good little things to help me get through the days, to remind me that life has ups and downs. If you try and you're a little brave, or willing to be uncomfortable, things will work out in one way or another.

I'm very grateful to have had such a wonderful day and the many opportunities I've had to prove myself lately. I hope I continue to grow and that I don't let myself down.

Patience Needed (?)

Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.

Maybe that's just me.

But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.

I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'

Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.

I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.

Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.

Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.

If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.

My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.

I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.

As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.

The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.

Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.

Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.

I Hate This

For those of you who actually read my blog, I assume you already know what's been going on with my family, but, on the off chance that you don't, this post will enlighten you.

A few weeks ago, my mother, after 11 years, found out that she was pregnant. It had to be early, but it was there. She and my dad were extremely excited, they announced to us kids but told us to keep it quiet as miscarriages have happened, we didn't want to bring that kind of attention.

We agreed, though some of us told a few people in our own personal circles, we didn't intend to let the entire world know.

About two weeks ago, (maybe longer, time is just a blur to me) my mom felt severe pain and actually had to rush to the E.R. After nine hours of just sitting and waiting, they told me that the doctors had said it was likely an ectopic pregnancy, which, in easiest terms, means that the baby isn't where it's supposed to be.

Ectopic= DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER.

She came home and we were shaken. We were also mournful. We had all, in our own ways, begun to prepare for a new addition and we looked forward to it. This news meant that baby was likely not to happen.

Two days later, my mom was taken back to the ER to run the tests again.

Turns out, baby was still growing. Say what? Also, turns out that what they thought was the baby wasn't baby and, surprise, never mind, you're fine.

So, my family felt like we had gotten a break and were genuinely happy for a little while but cautious.

Today, while I was at work, I found out my mom was in severe pain again and had to be rushed to the hospital again. I didn't know anything until I got home but she was unresponsive on the ride to the hospital and shortly after I got home, her blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors said they suspected internal bleeding.

Let the panic commence. I made about a million calls, made some arrangements so I could stay at home tomorrow with my brothers and then received another update. They stabilized her BP and gave her some pain meds to get some sleep. Color's back in her face and now, as I write this, they should be transferring to a different hospital via ambulance.

Needless to say, my brothers and I are worried beyond sick, we've lashed out but we're doing a little better to let it out. My mom likely won't be home today, maybe not even tomorrow. I honestly don't know what's happening. And I don't know how anyone can do anything to help. I just...I guess this is my way of filling people in. If I didn't call you, don't be offended. I have so many things to take care of tonight, I can't possibly keep track of it all. My family is hanging in there and we're taking it minute by minute. We hardly know anything at this point, so...maybe I'll update the blog with it, maybe not. I'm already exhausted and it's not even 6 pm. The next twenty four hours will be insanely long. As long as I have information, I suppose I'll be okay with that.

Again, no clever ending. Just...an update on our scary situation. We'll take prayers, good vibes, nice thoughts, but other than that, we're okay. We don't need a lot. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more. I'll have my phone on all night and I don't think I'll be getting much sleeping done.

The Retail Worker's Woes

So, as anyone who might read my blog or Facebook knows, I work at PetSmart for the time being. I've been there a little over a year now and this is my second Christmas here. (Hardly counts, as I was hired around Christmas last year, but whatever)

One thing that I've learned is how real the frustration is to be someone who works in retail. Now, I work in a salon, so it's a little different than working at Walmart, but I've dealt with a lot of irate customers and complaints that make absolutely no sense to any rational person, but you have to deal with it and remind yourself that you're grateful to be employed.

Now, through the whole year, you get those customers that make you question humanity and treat you worse than the dog's doo you just had to clean up but it seems like I've seen more of that in the last few weeks than I have in a year.

I get it. Christmas time is stressful, you've got a packed schedule and you have all of these things that have to be done. But when you drop your dog off to be groomed and get irritated, treat me like I'm stupid for asking the questions I do, insult my intelligence or ability, it really doesn't make me want to help you. As much as you have a lot of things to think about this holiday season, so do I. I have a family to think of, I have friends and extended family I want to make treats for, gifts I would like to prepare, decorations to make and set up and, on top of that, I go to work every day and deal with people like you.

You have a job too, you have kids, I get it. I really do. You're a human being. But so am I. I'm not just some toolbag who was put on this Earth to squeeze your dog's butt and clip his nails. I don't expect you to care about my personal life or my issues, that's not what my problem is. My problem is, when I'm being polite or kind, that's not just an act. And I do have a limit to my kindness. When you roll your eyes, look down on me in disdain, and fight me at every turn, it wears me down. It makes me want to just stay in bed from now on.

Obviously, I won't give you the power to drag me down for too long. Usually, I get it out by muttering angrily the four hours I have your dog, unless he turns out to be the sweetest thing. Then I allow him to bring up my mood and just pity him for having to go home to you.

Do you realize that, when you call me and tear into me as much as you want, it really doesn't make me want to help you? And guess what, I do have the power to make sure I don't help you. I won't be rude about it, but I won't go out of my way to make things go YOUR way. I don't care if you had a bad day. I'm sure your mother taught you how to behave to other living creatures, or at least, how to behave in public.

I know mine did. She taught me that, no matter how bad my day is, I should NEVER allow it to alter how I treat people. I have bad days, just like anyone. But I try very hard not to be rude to you or your obnoxious child/dog and I like to think I do a pretty good job, even when frazzled. All I ask is that you have some common decency and treat me like a human being. A human being like you, who's just living day to day, struggling to pay bills, struggling to get my life the way I want it to be, struggling to survive another holiday season. Is that really so much to ask? Some common kindness?

But I've Got A Black Space, Baby, And I'll Leave it Blank.

So, again, I suck at blogging regularly. I don't even have an excuse this time.

But a lot has gone on. Not a whole lot of BIG things, but a lot of little things that can add up. Little things. Long work days, blossoming emotions, irritation, confusion. Every day things, I suppose.

It's funny, I don't even know if there's something that I can be like 'I am dealing with this big thing right now, it's the biggest thing in my life right now.' I mean, I have my job but I actually enjoy what I do, all drama aside.

Just today, the work family and I were all in...questionable moods, I suppose, but we actually were able to enjoy each other for the most part today. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that we were all there to work.

Work is a big part of my life, that's just how it goes. But it's not a huge burden to me. It lifts plenty of my own problems and gives me people who have spent almost a full year around me, so they have learned what's my normal and when something's off. And I have received nothing but support and opportunity. So, in that sense, I'm very appreciative. My job is, in reality, the very least of any of the small problems I might have. Thank goodness!

No, if I REALLY had to settle on something that's been a real thorn in my side, it would have to be dealing with emotions and the entire illogical drama behind them. Like...no. If I'm mad at someone, I want a good reason. If I'm happy, I don't really need a reason for it, but there almost always is a reason for it. Then the deeper emotions decide to jump into the fray and screw it all up.

No, I have no idea why I'm head over heels for that dude. It's irritating, frankly. But it also is fun. Then irritating again. My mind wanders a whole lot more than I would like it to and I can't seem to decide why I feel this way or what brought it on. It's just there. I kinda hate it.

I also kind of love it. UGH. Why can't I just go back to never leaving my house and minding my own dang business?

What? What's that you say? I'm an ad-ult? What is that? Ew. I didn't sign up for this.

The good thing about all this crazy stuff that really isn't that crazy in the first place is that I'm still really young. I can afford to let my life take a slow route for a little while. Doesn't mean I like it or I don't panic when I don't see things happening for myself like I see for everyone else.

Granted, I seem to be an idiot and aim for things I can't have until a certain amount of time has passed. Good job, me.

Anyway. I literally had no point for this blog tonight. I never know how to end the posts when I didn't actually have a real reason to say something. 

kthnxbai

The Day Nothing Changed...but Me.

It's funny, every so often, I get the feeling that I'm changing for the worse. It's an odd realization, provides a bit of motivation, then it's...different?

I don't quite know how to explain.

The past few weeks have been long. For various reasons, I'm just weary. And, the strangest thing is, I pride myself on being able to push through, silence my thoughts long enough to do what I need to do and not let it affect my day to day activities.

Yesterday, though, I had plenty of people comment on how odd I was behaving. Angry or simply not all there. Yesterday, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I chalked it up to apathy but others saw it differently.

I cried at work yesterday for the first time since February. I don't even have a very good excuse as to why I was just so...overwhelmed. Work wasn't too bad, it was busy, which was good for me any other day. I got all of my tasks done in a timely fashion and went home on time.

So, there's really no REASON for me to sit in the break room and cry, but I did it. And when I got home, I couldn't shake the low feeling that had grown in a matter of hours.

Last night, some drama went down that I witnessed and it kind of left me a little unsure of myself, not too sure where I stand or what to expect. And I don't blame anyone, life happens and things change, people change and they have impulsive moments.

That's normal.

Usually, I can deal. But not yesterday.

I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, it wasn't a good sleep. It felt different. Heavy.

I don't really have a neat little way to end my post today. I try to leave some inspirational little tidbit for me to look back on later on but not today. I don't feel bad, I don't feel angry or sad, just...apathetic.

I imagine things will be a little different in a few hours, hopefully for the better, but I don't know.

Thank goodness tomorrow brings a new week for me. A new chance to make myself better, not slip back into some unrecognizable being just muddling her way through the days.

I want to be known as that person who is pretty pleasant to be around. Not someone who comes across as angry or off.

I need to get back to my 'normally.' Leave Yesterday there and bring the good ol' me to Tomorrow.

There's your inspiration, future Me. BAM.