Patience Needed (?)

Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.

Maybe that's just me.

But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.

I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'

Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.

I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.

Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.

Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.

If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.

My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.

I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.

As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.

The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.

Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.

Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.