Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.
Maybe that's just me.
But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.
I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'
Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.
I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.
Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.
Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.
If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.
My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.
I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.
As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.
The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.
Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.
Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
I Hate This
For those of you who actually read my blog, I assume you already know what's been going on with my family, but, on the off chance that you don't, this post will enlighten you.
A few weeks ago, my mother, after 11 years, found out that she was pregnant. It had to be early, but it was there. She and my dad were extremely excited, they announced to us kids but told us to keep it quiet as miscarriages have happened, we didn't want to bring that kind of attention.
We agreed, though some of us told a few people in our own personal circles, we didn't intend to let the entire world know.
About two weeks ago, (maybe longer, time is just a blur to me) my mom felt severe pain and actually had to rush to the E.R. After nine hours of just sitting and waiting, they told me that the doctors had said it was likely an ectopic pregnancy, which, in easiest terms, means that the baby isn't where it's supposed to be.
Ectopic= DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER.
She came home and we were shaken. We were also mournful. We had all, in our own ways, begun to prepare for a new addition and we looked forward to it. This news meant that baby was likely not to happen.
Two days later, my mom was taken back to the ER to run the tests again.
Turns out, baby was still growing. Say what? Also, turns out that what they thought was the baby wasn't baby and, surprise, never mind, you're fine.
So, my family felt like we had gotten a break and were genuinely happy for a little while but cautious.
Today, while I was at work, I found out my mom was in severe pain again and had to be rushed to the hospital again. I didn't know anything until I got home but she was unresponsive on the ride to the hospital and shortly after I got home, her blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors said they suspected internal bleeding.
Let the panic commence. I made about a million calls, made some arrangements so I could stay at home tomorrow with my brothers and then received another update. They stabilized her BP and gave her some pain meds to get some sleep. Color's back in her face and now, as I write this, they should be transferring to a different hospital via ambulance.
Needless to say, my brothers and I are worried beyond sick, we've lashed out but we're doing a little better to let it out. My mom likely won't be home today, maybe not even tomorrow. I honestly don't know what's happening. And I don't know how anyone can do anything to help. I just...I guess this is my way of filling people in. If I didn't call you, don't be offended. I have so many things to take care of tonight, I can't possibly keep track of it all. My family is hanging in there and we're taking it minute by minute. We hardly know anything at this point, so...maybe I'll update the blog with it, maybe not. I'm already exhausted and it's not even 6 pm. The next twenty four hours will be insanely long. As long as I have information, I suppose I'll be okay with that.
Again, no clever ending. Just...an update on our scary situation. We'll take prayers, good vibes, nice thoughts, but other than that, we're okay. We don't need a lot. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more. I'll have my phone on all night and I don't think I'll be getting much sleeping done.
A few weeks ago, my mother, after 11 years, found out that she was pregnant. It had to be early, but it was there. She and my dad were extremely excited, they announced to us kids but told us to keep it quiet as miscarriages have happened, we didn't want to bring that kind of attention.
We agreed, though some of us told a few people in our own personal circles, we didn't intend to let the entire world know.
About two weeks ago, (maybe longer, time is just a blur to me) my mom felt severe pain and actually had to rush to the E.R. After nine hours of just sitting and waiting, they told me that the doctors had said it was likely an ectopic pregnancy, which, in easiest terms, means that the baby isn't where it's supposed to be.
Ectopic= DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER.
She came home and we were shaken. We were also mournful. We had all, in our own ways, begun to prepare for a new addition and we looked forward to it. This news meant that baby was likely not to happen.
Two days later, my mom was taken back to the ER to run the tests again.
Turns out, baby was still growing. Say what? Also, turns out that what they thought was the baby wasn't baby and, surprise, never mind, you're fine.
So, my family felt like we had gotten a break and were genuinely happy for a little while but cautious.
Today, while I was at work, I found out my mom was in severe pain again and had to be rushed to the hospital again. I didn't know anything until I got home but she was unresponsive on the ride to the hospital and shortly after I got home, her blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors said they suspected internal bleeding.
Let the panic commence. I made about a million calls, made some arrangements so I could stay at home tomorrow with my brothers and then received another update. They stabilized her BP and gave her some pain meds to get some sleep. Color's back in her face and now, as I write this, they should be transferring to a different hospital via ambulance.
Needless to say, my brothers and I are worried beyond sick, we've lashed out but we're doing a little better to let it out. My mom likely won't be home today, maybe not even tomorrow. I honestly don't know what's happening. And I don't know how anyone can do anything to help. I just...I guess this is my way of filling people in. If I didn't call you, don't be offended. I have so many things to take care of tonight, I can't possibly keep track of it all. My family is hanging in there and we're taking it minute by minute. We hardly know anything at this point, so...maybe I'll update the blog with it, maybe not. I'm already exhausted and it's not even 6 pm. The next twenty four hours will be insanely long. As long as I have information, I suppose I'll be okay with that.
Again, no clever ending. Just...an update on our scary situation. We'll take prayers, good vibes, nice thoughts, but other than that, we're okay. We don't need a lot. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more. I'll have my phone on all night and I don't think I'll be getting much sleeping done.
Monday, December 8, 2014
The Retail Worker's Woes
So, as anyone who might read my blog or Facebook knows, I work at PetSmart for the time being. I've been there a little over a year now and this is my second Christmas here. (Hardly counts, as I was hired around Christmas last year, but whatever)
One thing that I've learned is how real the frustration is to be someone who works in retail. Now, I work in a salon, so it's a little different than working at Walmart, but I've dealt with a lot of irate customers and complaints that make absolutely no sense to any rational person, but you have to deal with it and remind yourself that you're grateful to be employed.
Now, through the whole year, you get those customers that make you question humanity and treat you worse than the dog's doo you just had to clean up but it seems like I've seen more of that in the last few weeks than I have in a year.
I get it. Christmas time is stressful, you've got a packed schedule and you have all of these things that have to be done. But when you drop your dog off to be groomed and get irritated, treat me like I'm stupid for asking the questions I do, insult my intelligence or ability, it really doesn't make me want to help you. As much as you have a lot of things to think about this holiday season, so do I. I have a family to think of, I have friends and extended family I want to make treats for, gifts I would like to prepare, decorations to make and set up and, on top of that, I go to work every day and deal with people like you.
You have a job too, you have kids, I get it. I really do. You're a human being. But so am I. I'm not just some toolbag who was put on this Earth to squeeze your dog's butt and clip his nails. I don't expect you to care about my personal life or my issues, that's not what my problem is. My problem is, when I'm being polite or kind, that's not just an act. And I do have a limit to my kindness. When you roll your eyes, look down on me in disdain, and fight me at every turn, it wears me down. It makes me want to just stay in bed from now on.
Obviously, I won't give you the power to drag me down for too long. Usually, I get it out by muttering angrily the four hours I have your dog, unless he turns out to be the sweetest thing. Then I allow him to bring up my mood and just pity him for having to go home to you.
Do you realize that, when you call me and tear into me as much as you want, it really doesn't make me want to help you? And guess what, I do have the power to make sure I don't help you. I won't be rude about it, but I won't go out of my way to make things go YOUR way. I don't care if you had a bad day. I'm sure your mother taught you how to behave to other living creatures, or at least, how to behave in public.
I know mine did. She taught me that, no matter how bad my day is, I should NEVER allow it to alter how I treat people. I have bad days, just like anyone. But I try very hard not to be rude to you or your obnoxious child/dog and I like to think I do a pretty good job, even when frazzled. All I ask is that you have some common decency and treat me like a human being. A human being like you, who's just living day to day, struggling to pay bills, struggling to get my life the way I want it to be, struggling to survive another holiday season. Is that really so much to ask? Some common kindness?
One thing that I've learned is how real the frustration is to be someone who works in retail. Now, I work in a salon, so it's a little different than working at Walmart, but I've dealt with a lot of irate customers and complaints that make absolutely no sense to any rational person, but you have to deal with it and remind yourself that you're grateful to be employed.
Now, through the whole year, you get those customers that make you question humanity and treat you worse than the dog's doo you just had to clean up but it seems like I've seen more of that in the last few weeks than I have in a year.
I get it. Christmas time is stressful, you've got a packed schedule and you have all of these things that have to be done. But when you drop your dog off to be groomed and get irritated, treat me like I'm stupid for asking the questions I do, insult my intelligence or ability, it really doesn't make me want to help you. As much as you have a lot of things to think about this holiday season, so do I. I have a family to think of, I have friends and extended family I want to make treats for, gifts I would like to prepare, decorations to make and set up and, on top of that, I go to work every day and deal with people like you.
You have a job too, you have kids, I get it. I really do. You're a human being. But so am I. I'm not just some toolbag who was put on this Earth to squeeze your dog's butt and clip his nails. I don't expect you to care about my personal life or my issues, that's not what my problem is. My problem is, when I'm being polite or kind, that's not just an act. And I do have a limit to my kindness. When you roll your eyes, look down on me in disdain, and fight me at every turn, it wears me down. It makes me want to just stay in bed from now on.
Obviously, I won't give you the power to drag me down for too long. Usually, I get it out by muttering angrily the four hours I have your dog, unless he turns out to be the sweetest thing. Then I allow him to bring up my mood and just pity him for having to go home to you.
Do you realize that, when you call me and tear into me as much as you want, it really doesn't make me want to help you? And guess what, I do have the power to make sure I don't help you. I won't be rude about it, but I won't go out of my way to make things go YOUR way. I don't care if you had a bad day. I'm sure your mother taught you how to behave to other living creatures, or at least, how to behave in public.
I know mine did. She taught me that, no matter how bad my day is, I should NEVER allow it to alter how I treat people. I have bad days, just like anyone. But I try very hard not to be rude to you or your obnoxious child/dog and I like to think I do a pretty good job, even when frazzled. All I ask is that you have some common decency and treat me like a human being. A human being like you, who's just living day to day, struggling to pay bills, struggling to get my life the way I want it to be, struggling to survive another holiday season. Is that really so much to ask? Some common kindness?
Friday, November 21, 2014
But I've Got A Black Space, Baby, And I'll Leave it Blank.
So, again, I suck at blogging regularly. I don't even have an excuse this time.
But a lot has gone on. Not a whole lot of BIG things, but a lot of little things that can add up. Little things. Long work days, blossoming emotions, irritation, confusion. Every day things, I suppose.
It's funny, I don't even know if there's something that I can be like 'I am dealing with this big thing right now, it's the biggest thing in my life right now.' I mean, I have my job but I actually enjoy what I do, all drama aside.
Just today, the work family and I were all in...questionable moods, I suppose, but we actually were able to enjoy each other for the most part today. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that we were all there to work.
Work is a big part of my life, that's just how it goes. But it's not a huge burden to me. It lifts plenty of my own problems and gives me people who have spent almost a full year around me, so they have learned what's my normal and when something's off. And I have received nothing but support and opportunity. So, in that sense, I'm very appreciative. My job is, in reality, the very least of any of the small problems I might have. Thank goodness!
No, if I REALLY had to settle on something that's been a real thorn in my side, it would have to be dealing with emotions and the entire illogical drama behind them. Like...no. If I'm mad at someone, I want a good reason. If I'm happy, I don't really need a reason for it, but there almost always is a reason for it. Then the deeper emotions decide to jump into the fray and screw it all up.
No, I have no idea why I'm head over heels for that dude. It's irritating, frankly. But it also is fun. Then irritating again. My mind wanders a whole lot more than I would like it to and I can't seem to decide why I feel this way or what brought it on. It's just there. I kinda hate it.
I also kind of love it. UGH. Why can't I just go back to never leaving my house and minding my own dang business?
What? What's that you say? I'm an ad-ult? What is that? Ew. I didn't sign up for this.
The good thing about all this crazy stuff that really isn't that crazy in the first place is that I'm still really young. I can afford to let my life take a slow route for a little while. Doesn't mean I like it or I don't panic when I don't see things happening for myself like I see for everyone else.
Granted, I seem to be an idiot and aim for things I can't have until a certain amount of time has passed. Good job, me.
But a lot has gone on. Not a whole lot of BIG things, but a lot of little things that can add up. Little things. Long work days, blossoming emotions, irritation, confusion. Every day things, I suppose.
It's funny, I don't even know if there's something that I can be like 'I am dealing with this big thing right now, it's the biggest thing in my life right now.' I mean, I have my job but I actually enjoy what I do, all drama aside.
Just today, the work family and I were all in...questionable moods, I suppose, but we actually were able to enjoy each other for the most part today. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that we were all there to work.
Work is a big part of my life, that's just how it goes. But it's not a huge burden to me. It lifts plenty of my own problems and gives me people who have spent almost a full year around me, so they have learned what's my normal and when something's off. And I have received nothing but support and opportunity. So, in that sense, I'm very appreciative. My job is, in reality, the very least of any of the small problems I might have. Thank goodness!
No, if I REALLY had to settle on something that's been a real thorn in my side, it would have to be dealing with emotions and the entire illogical drama behind them. Like...no. If I'm mad at someone, I want a good reason. If I'm happy, I don't really need a reason for it, but there almost always is a reason for it. Then the deeper emotions decide to jump into the fray and screw it all up.
No, I have no idea why I'm head over heels for that dude. It's irritating, frankly. But it also is fun. Then irritating again. My mind wanders a whole lot more than I would like it to and I can't seem to decide why I feel this way or what brought it on. It's just there. I kinda hate it.
I also kind of love it. UGH. Why can't I just go back to never leaving my house and minding my own dang business?
What? What's that you say? I'm an ad-ult? What is that? Ew. I didn't sign up for this.
The good thing about all this crazy stuff that really isn't that crazy in the first place is that I'm still really young. I can afford to let my life take a slow route for a little while. Doesn't mean I like it or I don't panic when I don't see things happening for myself like I see for everyone else.
Granted, I seem to be an idiot and aim for things I can't have until a certain amount of time has passed. Good job, me.
Anyway. I literally had no point for this blog tonight. I never know how to end the posts when I didn't actually have a real reason to say something.
kthnxbai
Sunday, September 14, 2014
The Day Nothing Changed...but Me.
It's funny, every so often, I get the feeling that I'm changing for the worse. It's an odd realization, provides a bit of motivation, then it's...different?
I don't quite know how to explain.
The past few weeks have been long. For various reasons, I'm just weary. And, the strangest thing is, I pride myself on being able to push through, silence my thoughts long enough to do what I need to do and not let it affect my day to day activities.
Yesterday, though, I had plenty of people comment on how odd I was behaving. Angry or simply not all there. Yesterday, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I chalked it up to apathy but others saw it differently.
I cried at work yesterday for the first time since February. I don't even have a very good excuse as to why I was just so...overwhelmed. Work wasn't too bad, it was busy, which was good for me any other day. I got all of my tasks done in a timely fashion and went home on time.
So, there's really no REASON for me to sit in the break room and cry, but I did it. And when I got home, I couldn't shake the low feeling that had grown in a matter of hours.
Last night, some drama went down that I witnessed and it kind of left me a little unsure of myself, not too sure where I stand or what to expect. And I don't blame anyone, life happens and things change, people change and they have impulsive moments.
That's normal.
Usually, I can deal. But not yesterday.
I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, it wasn't a good sleep. It felt different. Heavy.
I don't really have a neat little way to end my post today. I try to leave some inspirational little tidbit for me to look back on later on but not today. I don't feel bad, I don't feel angry or sad, just...apathetic.
I imagine things will be a little different in a few hours, hopefully for the better, but I don't know.
Thank goodness tomorrow brings a new week for me. A new chance to make myself better, not slip back into some unrecognizable being just muddling her way through the days.
I want to be known as that person who is pretty pleasant to be around. Not someone who comes across as angry or off.
I need to get back to my 'normally.' Leave Yesterday there and bring the good ol' me to Tomorrow.
There's your inspiration, future Me. BAM.
I don't quite know how to explain.
The past few weeks have been long. For various reasons, I'm just weary. And, the strangest thing is, I pride myself on being able to push through, silence my thoughts long enough to do what I need to do and not let it affect my day to day activities.
Yesterday, though, I had plenty of people comment on how odd I was behaving. Angry or simply not all there. Yesterday, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I chalked it up to apathy but others saw it differently.
I cried at work yesterday for the first time since February. I don't even have a very good excuse as to why I was just so...overwhelmed. Work wasn't too bad, it was busy, which was good for me any other day. I got all of my tasks done in a timely fashion and went home on time.
So, there's really no REASON for me to sit in the break room and cry, but I did it. And when I got home, I couldn't shake the low feeling that had grown in a matter of hours.
Last night, some drama went down that I witnessed and it kind of left me a little unsure of myself, not too sure where I stand or what to expect. And I don't blame anyone, life happens and things change, people change and they have impulsive moments.
That's normal.
Usually, I can deal. But not yesterday.
I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, it wasn't a good sleep. It felt different. Heavy.
I don't really have a neat little way to end my post today. I try to leave some inspirational little tidbit for me to look back on later on but not today. I don't feel bad, I don't feel angry or sad, just...apathetic.
I imagine things will be a little different in a few hours, hopefully for the better, but I don't know.
Thank goodness tomorrow brings a new week for me. A new chance to make myself better, not slip back into some unrecognizable being just muddling her way through the days.
I want to be known as that person who is pretty pleasant to be around. Not someone who comes across as angry or off.
I need to get back to my 'normally.' Leave Yesterday there and bring the good ol' me to Tomorrow.
There's your inspiration, future Me. BAM.
Monday, August 11, 2014
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams
Today was a surprising roller coaster for me. Most days, I find that I'm pleasantly apathetic. Odd, I know. But I don't need fantastic to be content.
Today looked like it would be fantastic. For no real reason. And, for the most part, it was. Until I got off work and found out about Robin Williams. It caught me by surprise by how upset I was. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't freak out. I kind of didn't want to accept it and ignored it until I logged into my Facebook and saw status after status, picture after picture, and it hurt.
To most people who know me, they understand that I RARELY get overly emotional when a celebrity passes away, no matter how much I might be fond of them, I usually reserve serious mourning for their family as I feel like, I didn't know them personally, I don't have that right and it would almost be rude.
I've felt sadness when I realized someone has passed and disappointment. But I can only think of three people that really...hurt me to lose, when I didn't know them at all.
Steve Irwin, Heath Ledger, and Robin Williams.
Sometimes, the sadness came from realizing everything they've left behind.
Today has left me deeply saddened. For many reasons, I guess. I told my dad earlier, when I wasn't willing to accept it, that Robin Williams wasn't allowed to die. So, it couldn't possibly be true.
Then to find out a little more about what happened. Of course, it's being 'investigated' but people don't say suicide unless they're fairly certain. I think that's when it really hit me.
I know I'm not the only person to feel like they had been touched, inspired, or simply cheered up by Mister Williams. The mark he left on the world will always be a great one. But it breaks my heart to think that this man was hurting so badly, he saw no other way to escape it, there was no relief for him. There was no one that could save him.
And now, his family is left to try finding acceptance and understanding in this horribly dark time. I can only imagine the hurt and regret they have, even though this wasn't not anyone's fault.
I, like many people, have had some struggles with some form of depression and I don't think there's a real escape for most people. And still, with so many people struggling, there will always be someone who feels alone in this big, full world.
There are millions of communities for every little thing you could possibly think of. Always a place for someone to find others who are like them. But depression is insidious. You can always be surrounded by people who love you, who know your struggles, who want to help, and all you feel is empty.
Now, that isn't to say that everyone struggling with depression can only feel loneliness and pain, but it's a lot harder to find happiness and a lasting comfort.
I guess, what I'm trying to get at is what everyone's saying at this point, but a little different. If you know anyone who even MIGHT be struggling with depression, pain, sadness, loneliness...try your best to be there for them. Offer love, acceptance, kindness, and try to understand. Give them a shoulder to cry on, show them that you still care. But this is where I change my message a little.
If you know ANYONE. Anyone at all. Happy at all times, sad, angry, apathetic, be there for them to the best of your ability. There are so many people hiding behind a smile, offering laughter and jokes when, really, they can't find a desire to get out of bed in the morning. They can't find the drive to put on a face anymore.
But they do. Until they can't.
Don't let anyone go without love. Don't assume, for even one second, that the person you're next to right now will still be there tomorrow. You know that saying, live like today is your last day?
Love like it's their last.
I'm not suggesting that everyone can be saved...sometimes, all we can do is offer love and there isn't anything really to be done from someone else. But trying is all anyone can ask of you if they don't really ask anything.
That being said, I have this now.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know I've been stressing doing everything you can to take care of others but now, it's time to take care of you. If, for some reason, you have reached your capacity, or something out of your control has happened, don't let blame eat you. Guilt is no one's friend. Guilt is an unnecessary evil.
It's not your fault and you should never allow yourself to think it. It brings you to a dark place and prevents you from living your life.
I, personally, feel like the best way to honor someone's memory is to live your life. Love others, take care of others and give of yourself. Spread a little happiness in the form of a passing smile, a warm hello, a silent moment of understanding to someone who just needs an ear. You will be amazed at how far a little kindness can go.
To bring this back around so I don't continue to ramble, I'm hurt today. I didn't know this man but my idea of him was wonderful and it hasn't changed even in the slightest with his death. My memory and thoughts of him are not marred. But I am sad that his pain was so great. I don't think, for a moment, that he was a weak man. I think he was very strong right up until the point he couldn't find the strength to smile anymore. And at that point, his waning strength doesn't have to mean he was a weak person. A moment of weakness doesn't have to define you.
Mister Williams, I never got the chance to meet you. But I felt the love you had for others through your actions. I am so sorry that you couldn't find peace on this Earth. You left a legacy you likely didn't realize you had. Fond memories will surround you and your loved ones. I wish, for their sake, they can find acceptance and understanding for you. You were loved, you are loved, and you always will be.
Nanoo, Nanoo.
Today looked like it would be fantastic. For no real reason. And, for the most part, it was. Until I got off work and found out about Robin Williams. It caught me by surprise by how upset I was. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't freak out. I kind of didn't want to accept it and ignored it until I logged into my Facebook and saw status after status, picture after picture, and it hurt.
To most people who know me, they understand that I RARELY get overly emotional when a celebrity passes away, no matter how much I might be fond of them, I usually reserve serious mourning for their family as I feel like, I didn't know them personally, I don't have that right and it would almost be rude.
I've felt sadness when I realized someone has passed and disappointment. But I can only think of three people that really...hurt me to lose, when I didn't know them at all.
Steve Irwin, Heath Ledger, and Robin Williams.
Sometimes, the sadness came from realizing everything they've left behind.
Today has left me deeply saddened. For many reasons, I guess. I told my dad earlier, when I wasn't willing to accept it, that Robin Williams wasn't allowed to die. So, it couldn't possibly be true.
Then to find out a little more about what happened. Of course, it's being 'investigated' but people don't say suicide unless they're fairly certain. I think that's when it really hit me.
I know I'm not the only person to feel like they had been touched, inspired, or simply cheered up by Mister Williams. The mark he left on the world will always be a great one. But it breaks my heart to think that this man was hurting so badly, he saw no other way to escape it, there was no relief for him. There was no one that could save him.
And now, his family is left to try finding acceptance and understanding in this horribly dark time. I can only imagine the hurt and regret they have, even though this wasn't not anyone's fault.
I, like many people, have had some struggles with some form of depression and I don't think there's a real escape for most people. And still, with so many people struggling, there will always be someone who feels alone in this big, full world.
There are millions of communities for every little thing you could possibly think of. Always a place for someone to find others who are like them. But depression is insidious. You can always be surrounded by people who love you, who know your struggles, who want to help, and all you feel is empty.
Now, that isn't to say that everyone struggling with depression can only feel loneliness and pain, but it's a lot harder to find happiness and a lasting comfort.
I guess, what I'm trying to get at is what everyone's saying at this point, but a little different. If you know anyone who even MIGHT be struggling with depression, pain, sadness, loneliness...try your best to be there for them. Offer love, acceptance, kindness, and try to understand. Give them a shoulder to cry on, show them that you still care. But this is where I change my message a little.
If you know ANYONE. Anyone at all. Happy at all times, sad, angry, apathetic, be there for them to the best of your ability. There are so many people hiding behind a smile, offering laughter and jokes when, really, they can't find a desire to get out of bed in the morning. They can't find the drive to put on a face anymore.
But they do. Until they can't.
Don't let anyone go without love. Don't assume, for even one second, that the person you're next to right now will still be there tomorrow. You know that saying, live like today is your last day?
Love like it's their last.
I'm not suggesting that everyone can be saved...sometimes, all we can do is offer love and there isn't anything really to be done from someone else. But trying is all anyone can ask of you if they don't really ask anything.
That being said, I have this now.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I know I've been stressing doing everything you can to take care of others but now, it's time to take care of you. If, for some reason, you have reached your capacity, or something out of your control has happened, don't let blame eat you. Guilt is no one's friend. Guilt is an unnecessary evil.
It's not your fault and you should never allow yourself to think it. It brings you to a dark place and prevents you from living your life.
I, personally, feel like the best way to honor someone's memory is to live your life. Love others, take care of others and give of yourself. Spread a little happiness in the form of a passing smile, a warm hello, a silent moment of understanding to someone who just needs an ear. You will be amazed at how far a little kindness can go.
To bring this back around so I don't continue to ramble, I'm hurt today. I didn't know this man but my idea of him was wonderful and it hasn't changed even in the slightest with his death. My memory and thoughts of him are not marred. But I am sad that his pain was so great. I don't think, for a moment, that he was a weak man. I think he was very strong right up until the point he couldn't find the strength to smile anymore. And at that point, his waning strength doesn't have to mean he was a weak person. A moment of weakness doesn't have to define you.
Mister Williams, I never got the chance to meet you. But I felt the love you had for others through your actions. I am so sorry that you couldn't find peace on this Earth. You left a legacy you likely didn't realize you had. Fond memories will surround you and your loved ones. I wish, for their sake, they can find acceptance and understanding for you. You were loved, you are loved, and you always will be.
Nanoo, Nanoo.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Warped Tour 2014!
This summer, my favorite band announced they'd be playing at Warped Tour. Imagine, if you will, my reaction when I read the Bowling for Soup article. Needless to say, I may have made some unnecessary noise and ran to my computer to buy tickets.
For those of you who don't know, Warped Tour is a big outdoor music festival. 50+ bands come, perform, sell merch, and it's just...overall, very fun. I had never been before but I was excited. Especially since I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see BFS(Bowling for Soup) playing live, let alone get them to sign stuff for me. (Two CDs and my t-shirt, don't hate.)
Also, for those of you who don't know Bowling for Soup, for shame. They're a twenty year old band and I've been listening to them my whole life. You're really missing out. They're amazing guys and they've got some pretty great music. Look them up. Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll be waiting right here. Go. Go on. It's fine.
Anyway, the festival started at 11 A.M. I arrived with my brother and my very good friend at 11:30, we were as prepared as we thought we needed to be because five minutes of research told us the venue would take care of the overheating people.
Disclaimer: Take care of yourself first and never, EVER expect that they'll take care of you.
Anyway, we make our way around this huge venue to try and find my BFS merch tent. It took FOREVER but I finally found it and rushed over to find that no one else was flocking around it. FOR SHAME. I also wanted to figure out when they'd be playing, signing, and all the jazz. Come to find out they played at 1:45. HECK YESSSSSS. Didn't have long to wait! I bought a CD, left the tent, returned shortly after to buy a jelly bracelet, let to find shade and camped out at the stage where they'd perform.
It was just as amazing as I hoped. I got as close as I could and I had a blast. Signing, dancing, being a downright fool. I wish, I WISH, I had had enough sense to actually break out my camera 'cause I didn't get ONE picture. But my brother did, so I'll have him send them to me ^-^
They were funny, every song they played, I knew, so I was prepared. The heat was completely forgotten as I watched and listened to my favorite band play. Their set was over far too soon for me but as soon as it was, I made my way over to the merch tent, bought a Live CD from one of their Manchester shows and a T-shirt before getting in line for signings. The line was soooo long but I was willing to wait!
My brother and I were in line for about...oh, twenty minutes, half an hour, standing in the sun, before I started to feel just slightly dizzy.
Now, backstory, I was VERY familiar with this feeling because of a medical condition I have that causes my main bundle of nerves to suddenly relax when triggered, making the blood rush from my head to my feet, knocking me out in a matter of seconds. It's only happened a few times, but I've come to recognize the signs. Hearing the fades, tunnel vision, the inability to think, jelly legs, loss of motor function, them BAM, down.
This was a bit differently because my normal trigger was not the cause. Heat was the cause. I panicked, pulling my brother out of line and making a beeline for a stand that said 'Water, Gatorade.' I figured, if I could get a cold drink quick enough, I could fight it off and run back to the line.
I waited behind two people, the world beginning to spin as I waited. Finally, it was our turn and all I could do was lean on the cart. The last thing I remember happening was my brother asking how much for a Gatorade and the vendor replying '5 dollars.' I lifted my head and simply said '5 dollars? WHAT?' and over I went. Completely passed out and bowled another person over. (Sorry!)
Apparently, I was only down for a moment before I was sitting back up with people around me, waterbottles galore. I drained one quickly, feeling beginning to return to my body and head. My brother was in my face, concern etched on his as he tried to make sure I wasn't dying, I didn't need to go to the hospital. I was beginning to feel much better but still not perfect.
Then, a woman approached, crouching beside us and informed us that, there was room in their tent for us to use some shade, we were more than welcome to come over.
So, we did. And another Warped Tour adventure began.
The tent was for a band from Mesa that had been selected for Warped Tour's Battle of the Bands. I hadn't paid much attention to that, admittedly, but after sitting in the shade for a while, I asked. Starcross was their name. I listened to one of their songs and, come to find out, their genre is RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. HECK YES.
My brother and I bought t-shirts and got two free CDs, which we listened to at least twice on the way home from the festival.
I was a little worried at the beginning that I was being a burden by being there but after Band Mom(Hi!) insisted I was fine, I made myself comfortable and my brother right along side me. We chatted, we joked, we People-Watched. I like to think that we made some pretty talented friends. But what stood out most to me was how kind everyone was. They didn't know me from any other overheated kid but when I needed help, they were right there to make sure they did everything they could.
I felt genuine kindness from complete strangers that day. (Of course, I felt it from my band when I finally got signings as well, but this was different.) After a while, it felt like I had a standing invitation to invade on their space whenever I felt uncomfortable or wanted to just chat. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't meet many people like that in such a setting. I might chat with people here and there but then we go our ways, never to see each other again.
I think...I would be extremely sad if I never saw these guys again. They're so talented and so kind, I would be foolish to give up the friends I've started to make. I firmly believe that these people, had I not met them that day, I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun at Warped Tour. Sure, I met my band which was my ultimate goal, but after passing out, all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to be there anymore because I was embarrassed and scared.
They saved me that day. Maybe not as drastic as one might think, but they left a huge impression on me and my brother and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So, Trish, Kenneth, Sam, everyone else I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember your names, thank you so much. You guys rock and I am so glad to have met all of you, I wouldn't change a thing about that day. Planning to be there for the EP release! :D
For those of you who don't know, Warped Tour is a big outdoor music festival. 50+ bands come, perform, sell merch, and it's just...overall, very fun. I had never been before but I was excited. Especially since I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see BFS(Bowling for Soup) playing live, let alone get them to sign stuff for me. (Two CDs and my t-shirt, don't hate.)
Also, for those of you who don't know Bowling for Soup, for shame. They're a twenty year old band and I've been listening to them my whole life. You're really missing out. They're amazing guys and they've got some pretty great music. Look them up. Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll be waiting right here. Go. Go on. It's fine.
Anyway, the festival started at 11 A.M. I arrived with my brother and my very good friend at 11:30, we were as prepared as we thought we needed to be because five minutes of research told us the venue would take care of the overheating people.
Disclaimer: Take care of yourself first and never, EVER expect that they'll take care of you.
Anyway, we make our way around this huge venue to try and find my BFS merch tent. It took FOREVER but I finally found it and rushed over to find that no one else was flocking around it. FOR SHAME. I also wanted to figure out when they'd be playing, signing, and all the jazz. Come to find out they played at 1:45. HECK YESSSSSS. Didn't have long to wait! I bought a CD, left the tent, returned shortly after to buy a jelly bracelet, let to find shade and camped out at the stage where they'd perform.
It was just as amazing as I hoped. I got as close as I could and I had a blast. Signing, dancing, being a downright fool. I wish, I WISH, I had had enough sense to actually break out my camera 'cause I didn't get ONE picture. But my brother did, so I'll have him send them to me ^-^
They were funny, every song they played, I knew, so I was prepared. The heat was completely forgotten as I watched and listened to my favorite band play. Their set was over far too soon for me but as soon as it was, I made my way over to the merch tent, bought a Live CD from one of their Manchester shows and a T-shirt before getting in line for signings. The line was soooo long but I was willing to wait!
My brother and I were in line for about...oh, twenty minutes, half an hour, standing in the sun, before I started to feel just slightly dizzy.
Now, backstory, I was VERY familiar with this feeling because of a medical condition I have that causes my main bundle of nerves to suddenly relax when triggered, making the blood rush from my head to my feet, knocking me out in a matter of seconds. It's only happened a few times, but I've come to recognize the signs. Hearing the fades, tunnel vision, the inability to think, jelly legs, loss of motor function, them BAM, down.
This was a bit differently because my normal trigger was not the cause. Heat was the cause. I panicked, pulling my brother out of line and making a beeline for a stand that said 'Water, Gatorade.' I figured, if I could get a cold drink quick enough, I could fight it off and run back to the line.
I waited behind two people, the world beginning to spin as I waited. Finally, it was our turn and all I could do was lean on the cart. The last thing I remember happening was my brother asking how much for a Gatorade and the vendor replying '5 dollars.' I lifted my head and simply said '5 dollars? WHAT?' and over I went. Completely passed out and bowled another person over. (Sorry!)
Apparently, I was only down for a moment before I was sitting back up with people around me, waterbottles galore. I drained one quickly, feeling beginning to return to my body and head. My brother was in my face, concern etched on his as he tried to make sure I wasn't dying, I didn't need to go to the hospital. I was beginning to feel much better but still not perfect.
Then, a woman approached, crouching beside us and informed us that, there was room in their tent for us to use some shade, we were more than welcome to come over.
So, we did. And another Warped Tour adventure began.
The tent was for a band from Mesa that had been selected for Warped Tour's Battle of the Bands. I hadn't paid much attention to that, admittedly, but after sitting in the shade for a while, I asked. Starcross was their name. I listened to one of their songs and, come to find out, their genre is RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. HECK YES.
My brother and I bought t-shirts and got two free CDs, which we listened to at least twice on the way home from the festival.
I was a little worried at the beginning that I was being a burden by being there but after Band Mom(Hi!) insisted I was fine, I made myself comfortable and my brother right along side me. We chatted, we joked, we People-Watched. I like to think that we made some pretty talented friends. But what stood out most to me was how kind everyone was. They didn't know me from any other overheated kid but when I needed help, they were right there to make sure they did everything they could.
I felt genuine kindness from complete strangers that day. (Of course, I felt it from my band when I finally got signings as well, but this was different.) After a while, it felt like I had a standing invitation to invade on their space whenever I felt uncomfortable or wanted to just chat. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't meet many people like that in such a setting. I might chat with people here and there but then we go our ways, never to see each other again.
I think...I would be extremely sad if I never saw these guys again. They're so talented and so kind, I would be foolish to give up the friends I've started to make. I firmly believe that these people, had I not met them that day, I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun at Warped Tour. Sure, I met my band which was my ultimate goal, but after passing out, all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to be there anymore because I was embarrassed and scared.
They saved me that day. Maybe not as drastic as one might think, but they left a huge impression on me and my brother and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So, Trish, Kenneth, Sam, everyone else I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember your names, thank you so much. You guys rock and I am so glad to have met all of you, I wouldn't change a thing about that day. Planning to be there for the EP release! :D
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