I want to break the cycle of blogging only when I'm in a really bad way or fantastically good but never in between, That cycle is not broken this evening, so...sorry.
There has been so much change going on lately and, while that alone makes me uncomfortable, is literally the LAST of my concerns.
Without going into unnecessary detail, I'm finding that I'm very underappreciated in life lately. I feel like I'm only as important as what people can get from me. As a person who wants to make people happy, even to my own falling already, this is devastating.
I know it's a fault of mine and it's something I should know better on how to avoid at this point but I don't. Or, I don't stop it. I want people to like me. I want to genuinely get along with people but it's more of what I've always dealt with.
I'm only around as long as someone can get something out of me. As soon as I defend myself or decide to say something they won't like, I'm not needed.
Well, at work, I've always been someone helpful. No matter what the job was, I always tried to make it a pleasant environment for everyone.
Two years after the same garbage, I'm done. I'm speaking up for myself and quickly finding that I don't have anything real anymore. I don't know what I really expected. Today, I admitted to my superior that I just didn't know how much longer I could put up with this. I hate constantly feeling sick because of stupid drama.
I'm not in highschool and all of you are adults. ACT LIKE IT. All day today, I was nauseated because of what went down. Why was I surprised when the mean girl targeted me and made my business her own? Why was I surprised when, the moment I showed that I was HUMAN, that people ripped me apart.
I was humiliated, berated, infuriated, defenseless, and I felt so alone.
The ones who would have defended me weren't there...or were silenced by the sheer chaos of the situation.
I felt kicked to the floor and I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy today that I dwelt on it. I can't help that I do that, but I do dwell on things. Until a good nap, that's really all I can ever think about.
Then being told to find the reasoning for my actions so I can 'discuss' and finding absolutely nothing was devastating. I was even more humiliated to have to go and say that I just couldn't find my proof, even though I wasn't the only one that knew what it was.
In any case, I was told that I had misunderstood the rules and that if I was having that much trouble, I needed to communicate better.
I literally could say nothing else, so I ended the conversation and walked off.
Unfortunately for me, I can't hide my facial expressions and, CLEARLY, I was not happy with that reaction. I didn't even have time to cool down or gather myself when I found myself in the office.
DOUBLE UNFORTUNATELY, I was angry crying at this point. BUT..I was able to get a lot off of my chest and shed light on a lot. I feel like I walked out of the office feeling better in a general sense but we'll see how long that lasts.
I'm not interested in going above and beyond anymore. I'm clearly not appreciated enough. So, I'm going back to keeping my head down and worrying about myself. I'll keep my small group of friends close and just...I'm honestly exhausted at all the time. All day today, I was incredibly sick because of everything. I'm not interested in doing this anymore.
I'm 21. I honestly dread coming into work because of the people. That was never the case before.
I'm supposed to be having fun with life, worrying about my future. I literally worry about getting through the day. It's not okay. Something has to give. Or someone's gonna go.
Hopefully it's not me.