I Ain't Even Mad?

Okay, so, again, I've had a few things to ponder the past couple of days on a more personal level.

I've cried, I've been angry, I've splurged on stuff I felt insta-regret for, then I tucked my tail and hoped things would be okay.

My life has always consisted of the same things. Very rarely do I stick up for myself, very rarely do I ever tell people how I really feel about anything.

Most people 'know' me and I always have something to say but I never say anything that hasn't been said before. Not because I am trying to be insincere, but because I know very little people care about anything but surface stuff. At least, when it comes to me.

I prefer to handle problems for others. If someone has something they have to get off their chest, if they need a doormat to stomp on, if they just need a shoulder to cry on, I'm one of the first people to try and be there. To my own downfall, I will take care of others before I even think about myself.

My mental status feels like it teeters between paper thin and non-existent.

I know it's not healthy but I can't always help it. If I try to say something and I get cut off, I stop talking. Obviously, what I have to say is not that important. So I make sure I'm never saying anything important so being ignored doesn't hurt as badly.

I will listen to problems of others, internalize the issue, try to fix it within myself to help them fix it and it just piles on to my own faults and concerns.

Only a few people fully realize how true my comments here have been. And I would have expected that those few people would be the ones to give me the benefit of the doubt when I break, when I can't take it anymore, when I just need someone to leave me alone, or when I need someone to let me call on them like I let everyone else do to me.

And it hurt to know that I don't get that benefit. I could spend every day of my life sweating and crying over taking care of someone else but if there's a time when I don't know how to help or I say something they don't like, I'm so easy to discard and to step all over.

I'm tired of being there for everyone and having no one in my corner. Then my family can't understand why I can't handle being around anyone. It's not fair to them that I've done this to myself but I can't fix my own problems when I have every other problem on the planet thrown at me with the expectation that I will validate, kiss the booboo, and volunteer to be the punching bag.

The more I think about this, the more upset I get. How can I possibly live a life that's not my own? I'm afraid to be in my head with only me because I am terrified to let someone else down. I can't take time for myself, I can't write people off because what if I was the one thing that was helping them?

In truth, I make myself far too important to others when, in actuality, I'm just another face to whine at. I'm just another dog to kick. I'm not a true person to anyone. I'm not the kind of person that people think about when I'm not in their face. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it is.

And, in a way, that's completely normal. I should accept it and call it life. But I have a hard time doing that when I know that so many people run through my mind in a real way every single day and I'm not even in the back of theirs.

I swear, I don't mean this to be a negative, attention grabbing post but hey. I need to think about myself, even if it's for five minutes.

I wish I could say I was done but it's not my personality. I doubt I will ever be done trying to fix people, trying to help and always trying to keep from letting people down. But it gets to be really hard when I have no expectations of anyone and I still get let down.

For once, I want someone to shoot me a text and just say hi because they thought of me without having to prompt an interaction.

For once, I want to be able to know that I can take a break without devastating someone and giving them the impression that I'm selfish or I don't care.

Why am I expected to care twenty-four/seven  when I don't get even five minutes of care from anyone? Life's not fair, I get it, but it makes me really want to just detached and keep my head down, trudging through life with no expectations from anyone or from me.

I guess this is my lot in life. Okay. I just wish I had been given a heads up so I could prepare myself for this.

HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN!?

So, a lot has happened recently.

A lot but not really. It's more like...a lot of different forks are cropping up in my path and I have no idea which direction to take, which fork leads where, which path is really for me.

I thought I knew, I KNEW, what I was going to do with the next few years of my life. I was going for certain stability to start myself off right. Sure, it was going to be tough but I could manage and I'd be better off in five years for it.

But, recently, as in the last few weeks, the certain feeling I had began to crumble. And not just crumble. It was like...I stared at my chosen path and I began to pick out glaring cracks, garbage littering the way. Cigarette butts, empty soda cans, used tissue. There was even a bit of a smell. It was familiar, unpleasant...lingering. What's the smell, you ask? It's a foul secretion from a foul end, so to speak. It burns, it yanks, it revolts. There, just barely on top of it, was a faint mist of a sickly sweetness. Tasty.

Sure, I could see some coins amongst the junk and boy howdy, I bet tons of them are Lincoln side up pennies! Lots of luck there! But...was I really willing to rummage through it all? Did I truly have the tools to get the good out of the rest?

The answer that came to me was unfair, it didn't make me feel good and it left me more confused than anything.

I need to start all over.

But...that's not what I wanted to hear at all. I have made my decision and I intended to stick to it because that's what I need to do to get ahead in life. Then another thought came to me. Would I really be getting ahead in life or would I just be postponing, killing time until another chapter forced itself open?

The more I thought about my future, imagined it and pictured it, I didn't like what I saw. And the last time I had a feeling like this, where I couldn't picture anything good, I ended up being correct in realizing my happiness was at stake.

'No...I really must be trying to talk myself out of it. This is my CHOICE. I have always had a choice and this is what I want. It's what I need. Right?'

This back and forth has been bouncing through my mind ever since my dilemma has reared its ugly head. It's constantly in my head, constantly making me question and doubt myself. I know a bit of it comes from my own lack of self-confidence but another part comes from a much deeper understanding I have. An understanding that, while many opportunities will come to me, some seeming to be fantastic and wonderful, everything comes with worms. But I don't need to put up with every worm in my apple.

Every path has cracks and has some form of junk on it. But this one that I had chosen, it didn't belong to me. It was meant for someone else. My path is littered with something much different. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just need to allow myself to believe it.

I don't know what's in my path yet. But I know that a day is coming, and it'll be soon, that I need to choose one way or another. And I'll need to live with my decision and the consequences that follow(i.e., the junk, the cracks, the cigarette butts.)

This is much more difficult that I ever thought, even having the support that I do. Obligation, the urge for independence, the need to be self-sufficient, these things are both a blessing and a curse. They make decisions so hard, especially when you take a clear, considered future and try to throw it aside to take a path you've spent no real time considering.

But the path that has been considered, prayed over, offered, does not offer fulfillment for me. It offers fleeting happiness.

I suppose all paths are like that though, aren't they? Every decision has pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. No life will be easy, no road is going to be perfectly paved. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to dance over the cracks, pick up the junk on my way, trip and stumble over rocks and weeds.

But I am afraid to make a decision and find myself stuck. Find myself in a place I am so apathetic towards, I have no desire to make changes for myself. I can't live that way, no matter what obligation says. No matter what the pros say, the cons cost far too much for my mental health.

Is this a fleeting fear? I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But I'm seeing many things in a new light and it concerns me. I have a vision of where I want to be in any given amount of time. And this path promises getting me to point A, but where does it leave me when time runs out for point B? What about point C?

I don't believe in point B1, point C2. No. I want my road to have milestones I can shoot for. Not ones that I need to quickly decide on because my chances for the others have gone away. That's not fair to me. And for once, I think I want to do something that's fair to me.

Is that so wrong?

No.

So, this blog post will end with me putting on my boots, taking a deep breath, still staring at the forks in front of me. What has been decided?

I will chase after my own happiness. I will stumble on the way, I'll notice other faults in me and my choices. But I will do the best I can and I feel like I will be more fulfilled if I am patient and let myself explore a different way.