I Ain't Even Mad?

Okay, so, again, I've had a few things to ponder the past couple of days on a more personal level.

I've cried, I've been angry, I've splurged on stuff I felt insta-regret for, then I tucked my tail and hoped things would be okay.

My life has always consisted of the same things. Very rarely do I stick up for myself, very rarely do I ever tell people how I really feel about anything.

Most people 'know' me and I always have something to say but I never say anything that hasn't been said before. Not because I am trying to be insincere, but because I know very little people care about anything but surface stuff. At least, when it comes to me.

I prefer to handle problems for others. If someone has something they have to get off their chest, if they need a doormat to stomp on, if they just need a shoulder to cry on, I'm one of the first people to try and be there. To my own downfall, I will take care of others before I even think about myself.

My mental status feels like it teeters between paper thin and non-existent.

I know it's not healthy but I can't always help it. If I try to say something and I get cut off, I stop talking. Obviously, what I have to say is not that important. So I make sure I'm never saying anything important so being ignored doesn't hurt as badly.

I will listen to problems of others, internalize the issue, try to fix it within myself to help them fix it and it just piles on to my own faults and concerns.

Only a few people fully realize how true my comments here have been. And I would have expected that those few people would be the ones to give me the benefit of the doubt when I break, when I can't take it anymore, when I just need someone to leave me alone, or when I need someone to let me call on them like I let everyone else do to me.

And it hurt to know that I don't get that benefit. I could spend every day of my life sweating and crying over taking care of someone else but if there's a time when I don't know how to help or I say something they don't like, I'm so easy to discard and to step all over.

I'm tired of being there for everyone and having no one in my corner. Then my family can't understand why I can't handle being around anyone. It's not fair to them that I've done this to myself but I can't fix my own problems when I have every other problem on the planet thrown at me with the expectation that I will validate, kiss the booboo, and volunteer to be the punching bag.

The more I think about this, the more upset I get. How can I possibly live a life that's not my own? I'm afraid to be in my head with only me because I am terrified to let someone else down. I can't take time for myself, I can't write people off because what if I was the one thing that was helping them?

In truth, I make myself far too important to others when, in actuality, I'm just another face to whine at. I'm just another dog to kick. I'm not a true person to anyone. I'm not the kind of person that people think about when I'm not in their face. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it is.

And, in a way, that's completely normal. I should accept it and call it life. But I have a hard time doing that when I know that so many people run through my mind in a real way every single day and I'm not even in the back of theirs.

I swear, I don't mean this to be a negative, attention grabbing post but hey. I need to think about myself, even if it's for five minutes.

I wish I could say I was done but it's not my personality. I doubt I will ever be done trying to fix people, trying to help and always trying to keep from letting people down. But it gets to be really hard when I have no expectations of anyone and I still get let down.

For once, I want someone to shoot me a text and just say hi because they thought of me without having to prompt an interaction.

For once, I want to be able to know that I can take a break without devastating someone and giving them the impression that I'm selfish or I don't care.

Why am I expected to care twenty-four/seven  when I don't get even five minutes of care from anyone? Life's not fair, I get it, but it makes me really want to just detached and keep my head down, trudging through life with no expectations from anyone or from me.

I guess this is my lot in life. Okay. I just wish I had been given a heads up so I could prepare myself for this.