HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN!?

So, a lot has happened recently.

A lot but not really. It's more like...a lot of different forks are cropping up in my path and I have no idea which direction to take, which fork leads where, which path is really for me.

I thought I knew, I KNEW, what I was going to do with the next few years of my life. I was going for certain stability to start myself off right. Sure, it was going to be tough but I could manage and I'd be better off in five years for it.

But, recently, as in the last few weeks, the certain feeling I had began to crumble. And not just crumble. It was like...I stared at my chosen path and I began to pick out glaring cracks, garbage littering the way. Cigarette butts, empty soda cans, used tissue. There was even a bit of a smell. It was familiar, unpleasant...lingering. What's the smell, you ask? It's a foul secretion from a foul end, so to speak. It burns, it yanks, it revolts. There, just barely on top of it, was a faint mist of a sickly sweetness. Tasty.

Sure, I could see some coins amongst the junk and boy howdy, I bet tons of them are Lincoln side up pennies! Lots of luck there! But...was I really willing to rummage through it all? Did I truly have the tools to get the good out of the rest?

The answer that came to me was unfair, it didn't make me feel good and it left me more confused than anything.

I need to start all over.

But...that's not what I wanted to hear at all. I have made my decision and I intended to stick to it because that's what I need to do to get ahead in life. Then another thought came to me. Would I really be getting ahead in life or would I just be postponing, killing time until another chapter forced itself open?

The more I thought about my future, imagined it and pictured it, I didn't like what I saw. And the last time I had a feeling like this, where I couldn't picture anything good, I ended up being correct in realizing my happiness was at stake.

'No...I really must be trying to talk myself out of it. This is my CHOICE. I have always had a choice and this is what I want. It's what I need. Right?'

This back and forth has been bouncing through my mind ever since my dilemma has reared its ugly head. It's constantly in my head, constantly making me question and doubt myself. I know a bit of it comes from my own lack of self-confidence but another part comes from a much deeper understanding I have. An understanding that, while many opportunities will come to me, some seeming to be fantastic and wonderful, everything comes with worms. But I don't need to put up with every worm in my apple.

Every path has cracks and has some form of junk on it. But this one that I had chosen, it didn't belong to me. It was meant for someone else. My path is littered with something much different. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just need to allow myself to believe it.

I don't know what's in my path yet. But I know that a day is coming, and it'll be soon, that I need to choose one way or another. And I'll need to live with my decision and the consequences that follow(i.e., the junk, the cracks, the cigarette butts.)

This is much more difficult that I ever thought, even having the support that I do. Obligation, the urge for independence, the need to be self-sufficient, these things are both a blessing and a curse. They make decisions so hard, especially when you take a clear, considered future and try to throw it aside to take a path you've spent no real time considering.

But the path that has been considered, prayed over, offered, does not offer fulfillment for me. It offers fleeting happiness.

I suppose all paths are like that though, aren't they? Every decision has pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs. No life will be easy, no road is going to be perfectly paved. But I'm okay with that. I'm not afraid to dance over the cracks, pick up the junk on my way, trip and stumble over rocks and weeds.

But I am afraid to make a decision and find myself stuck. Find myself in a place I am so apathetic towards, I have no desire to make changes for myself. I can't live that way, no matter what obligation says. No matter what the pros say, the cons cost far too much for my mental health.

Is this a fleeting fear? I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But I'm seeing many things in a new light and it concerns me. I have a vision of where I want to be in any given amount of time. And this path promises getting me to point A, but where does it leave me when time runs out for point B? What about point C?

I don't believe in point B1, point C2. No. I want my road to have milestones I can shoot for. Not ones that I need to quickly decide on because my chances for the others have gone away. That's not fair to me. And for once, I think I want to do something that's fair to me.

Is that so wrong?

No.

So, this blog post will end with me putting on my boots, taking a deep breath, still staring at the forks in front of me. What has been decided?

I will chase after my own happiness. I will stumble on the way, I'll notice other faults in me and my choices. But I will do the best I can and I feel like I will be more fulfilled if I am patient and let myself explore a different way.