The Big Sleep

So, I have been thinking a lot about this topic for the last few years, but let me preface this by saying, depression is diabolical. Depression is evil and it lies.

A few weeks ago, fashion designer, Kate Spade, took her own life. The world was devastated as they saw someone who was colorful, creative, vibrant and so full of life. Kate struggled with depression. As much has people had warm fuzzies for her, she was unable to feel that love, she felt no peace, and no one on the outskirts of her life (and beyond) had any clue she was in danger.

Not a week later, chef Anthony Bourdain took his life in a hotel room while filming his successful show in France. People who worked closely with him said he was a wonderful man. He was passionate. He cared. Yet, he felt helpless. Alone. Worthless.


Both of these people had family, children, friends. People who did not know them on a personal level looked up to them, adored them. They were successful. They had money, fame, anything anyone could want. This has been addressed. Depression attacks people no matter what their social standing is.

Depression has impacted my life in such a way that it is almost as normal as Phoenix heat. As normal as going to work. As normal as a self deprecating joke. Suicide has touched my life in a very dark way. The guilt that I feel for someone else's suicide is very real, so I can sympathize, empathize with all sides of these families. The people who succumbed to depression, the people who were left behind to try and process.

One thing that I have seen that I CANNOT get behind is how people are discussing a proper way to handle this from the outside.

My social media has been flooded by people sharing the suicide prevention line, offering general blankets of help, which, I fully believe, comes from a good place.

I have also seen many people attacking this, claiming that it is a false aid, not good enough, that someone should just know they are supposed to reach out to someone who looks like they don't need help.

My thought on that is this:

If, as someone who deals with depression, deep sadness, loneliness, if I have no idea what I need, how would I express that to others in a way so they would know how to help me?

If someone who does  not know what depression feels like, sounds like, how are they supposed to know all the lies it tells, and the mask that comes along with it?

Many people are not equipped emotionally or mentally to fix or bolster someone who is dealing with suicidal tendencies or thoughts so it was far more helpful to remind them that there is professional help out there and how easy it is to find.

Yes, we can google that number but a reminder that it is there, when there is only darkness, might be the brightest beacon someone can light. It is far too easy to have words twisted and misinterpreted. I would rather someone tell me that they don't know how to help me but they love me, please, for them, call this number so I can talk to someone who is trained to help than for someone to fumble, say something wrong, and feed the fire that is Depression.

Depression can take a benign comment and turn it into venom, burying it right into your heart. A single slip of the tongue by someone who does not know what to say can unravel the sweater.

At the end of the day, people carry guilt after someone has made this decision. There are different levels. Do not force an unnecessary guilt on someone for helping the best way that they can by admitting they are not equipped, and reminding you that there are resources for you.

We often say 'There was nothing you could have done.'

That applies in this situation, ten fold. Don't assign guilt or belittle someone for not helping as much you think they should.

If they can't see the darkness we hide, what is it we cannot see from them? It goes both ways.

Yes, people should be more educated on this subject and I think that we are really getting there. But booksmarts and experience are very different learning tools.

Some people will never know what depression truly is and we do not wish that on them.

We shouldn't wish that on them.

Let's try to be grateful that they are doing what they can to tell us we are loved, even if it is a blanket statement. That does not make it any less true. 

Take that blanket that is stitched with love, sewed by hands of those who carry needless guilt, and keep it close.

Depression is the enemy.

Not those that will never be in its line of fire.

'Do you want to know how it ends?'

My journal today, asked 'Do you want to know how it ends?'

What a question. Kind of vague depending on who you are.

Do I want to know how I die? Where I end up? How I end up? Who do I end up with, if anyone?

Today, I'm toying with the idea. Not so much knowing how I want to die, because I'm already paranoid. If I know how I will die, then I'd spend way too much time trying to avoid it.

So, that would be a no, there.

Do I want to know where I end up? Sure. Do I stay in Arizona? Do I move to a slightly cooler state? Do I move to Ireland? I know that if I get to Ireland, it would be very hard to leave. So, that could be interesting. Maybe something to hope for, if I knew. Or just learn patience as life takes detours, knowing that I will get to point B, it's just going to take its own time.

Do I want to know how I end up? Am I successful in business, do I work until the day I die at a 9-5 job? Do I open a bakery? Run a business with my family and friends? That could be cool, then I would know what skills to hone for my life.

Do I want to know who I end up with, or if I end up with someone? Who doesn't? But I wouldn't want to know this one. Understanding a timeline different than my own would be too much, so even knowing the who, I would want to know the how and when, and then  I would get stuck focusing on that.

Besides, I go into this with a little bit of insight into my life already so maybe that's why I pick apart this answer.

Career-wise, I'm not much further than I was when I started, I don't think. But I have had more opportunities than I would have, so I am grateful for that, and I'll continue fighting for the next opportunity. I have to learn how to network better, I think. Hone skills that are useful in a business sense if I'm playing on staying in the same place, different position.

Love-wise, I'm back to square one, a little worse for wear this time. My kneejerk reaction is to say that it was my own fault but this time, it actually wasn't. So, I'm gonna take a step back from this part of my life and just, put my energy elsewhere. If it happens, cool, if not, that's okay too.

I want to focus more on my friends, the ones that have made an effort to take care of me, to be in my corner. I see you, I recognize you. I'm getting to the point where I want to take care of you now too. I'm going to let those relationships grow and blossom. I need to be myself and these people have shown me that there is nothing wrong with WHO I am, so I need to learn not to hide myself anymore.

I'm starting to feel happy again, even though I feel like I haven't made much progress, and sad news kind of hurts, but I'm over the whole, going into a tailspin, bit. Some days will be harder than others, but I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm excited to spend the holidays with people I care about, who care about me, to show my love for them and for life.

But to go back to the question at hand; Do I want to know how it ends?

Nah, I'm good. I'd rather focus on today, and how to be happy today, instead of dwelling on whatever is going on tomorrow.

*insert vague title for 2017*

I'm not going to write about the bad this time. I'm not ready.

But, I will write about the hopeful things.

I've been incredibly lucky to have the job that I do. The work is not my favorite, but I do enjoy my team, the opportunity to learn and grow, the encouragement. Currently, I am waiting with bated breath for some news that, I'll be vague about until I have specific answers.

I bought a journal, a 5 year, 1 question a day journal. So I have a physical manifestation of where I am, where I've been, and where I can go. I'm very excited for that, I'll start it on the first of the year, but, today's question is this : What five words describe your mood?

Tired, anxious, sad, overwhelmed, but most importantly, hopeful.

Hopeful that I'll get a good night's sleep here soon, hopeful that I'll prove my anxiety wrong some day. Hopeful that I won't be so sad about the things that I am sad about. Hopeful that I'll rise above the overwhelming wave because, I'm doing more than treading water right now. I'm surviving.

Also, hopeful for hope's sake.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel, as there always has been and forever will be. The only dead ends are in my mind. I've gotten this far, I'm not going to stop.

I'm going to continue surrounding myself around people that truly love me, that support me, that allow me to support them, and encourage me. My village is larger than I ever could have asked and I am truly grateful for it.

I have had people come out of the woodwork for the last few weeks, to pick me up at a low point, to talk some sense into me, or even give me silent support. I can't let them down by giving in to the dark feelings that sometimes linger. I'm better than that, they know it, and I want to show them that they inspire that confidence in me,

Thank you, for reading, for supporting me, for the quiet acknowledgements. I'll be okay and this time, I believe it.

Mental Fragility

Okay, so it seems like most of the times I blog right now, it's on fragile nights. I have to accept that for what it is. One day, maybe a steady stream of positivity but not yet.

Tonight is a mental fragility night. I'm feeling very low. For really no reason. I feel alone even though I know I'm not. Logic doesn't matter when anxiety and depression take over your brain. Changing jobs has helped so much, I don't come home angry or upset so I am very grateful for that. But I guess that wasn't enough.

I don't know what will be enough. I hope that one day, one bad interaction won't destroy my mental state and leave me physically ill because I have to fix it and feel helpless.

I honestly think it's just a bad night but it makes me want to close myself off further. Bury myself into a dark hole in my mind until I cease to exist. These nights are hard.

I don't have any insight or witty remarks. I'm just...tired. The loud chaos upsets my mind and the silence is not okay.It scares me, because then, I have to face my own demons when I would rather keep running.

I don't know what the right answer is. Tomorrow will be another day, I'll get up, I'll go to work, I'll come home, probably lock myself in my room and take a nap before class tomorrow night, because my emotional stamina won't be back to what it needs to be yet.

But I'll get back to my normal eventually then it's a waiting game until fragility makes me splinter again.

It's a vicious circle, and each time it comes around, I try to be better about it in the future. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, my solutions, make it worse. Then I learn from it.

Well, learn as much as I can.

I'm sorry to the people who have to deal with me all the time. I try to make it as easy and painless as possible, I'm working on it. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

What does insecurity do?

I was thinking about insecurities the other day, namely, my own. But instead of wallowing, I was trying to put into words what insecurity is for me and what it does in my own life. Not for pity, but so maybe people can understand me a little bit better.

For me, insecurity means being completely comfortable with a group of people, a group of friends, but policing myself physically and vocally for an unfounded fear that everyone is looking at me, to judge, to dislike me.

The problem I struggle with is logically, I know that these people are my friends, new, old. They aren't looking at me to scrutinize. They want me to be involved and play, have fun with them, instead of being on the sidelines. If, for some reason, they are watching and judging, then they likely won't breathe a word of it to me. That says more about them than it actually does about who I am.

But logic doesn't matter to insecurities. You can tell yourself 'til you're blue in the face that you have nothing to worry about, the a nagging scream in your head, that you can't turn off, will say otherwise.

'They like me. They just want me to join in. I should join in.'

'But you're fat, they think you're weird. They're just being nice. No one really wants you around.' 

'That's not true and I know it. They seek me out.'

'Out of obligation because you're always around anyway! They can't get rid of you, so just stay put, don't talk because they don't really want to hear it.'

That's how the conversation usually goes in my head, just varies by situation. I've been learning how to ignore the voice but most of the time, I just try to pretend it isn't there, even if that's all I can do. Sometimes, the insecurities win and I just make excuses as to why I don't participate more. That's my own baggage to deal with, not anyone else's.

When I do talk to people and participate, I often have a similiar dialogue going on at all times.

'Quit rambling, they're not even listening anymore. You're holding them socially hostage! They think you're weird and you talk an awful lot.'

So, I often end up apologizing for speaking too much. If I do this, please understand that I am just trying to make everyone as comfortable as possible.

For my friends that 'put up with me,' thank you. It really does mean a lot to have friends even though I don't think I should have them. Please understand that when I make excuses, or apologize, it has to do with my own insecurities, not you. Please don't stop trying to get me to join the conversation, play the game, go out and about. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Thank you for being patient with me, you have more patience with myself than I have, so your patience does help smother the insecurity.

A Whale is Gonna Die (No Matter What You Choose) -Rhett and Link

 I've had a lot to consider for the last few months. Lots of changes at work, some I liked and others I really didn't. I feel like I've grown as a person and my understanding for what I want from others has deepened, I would say.

 I've learned more about myself and what my skills are as well as how they can grow with even just a little bit of time.

 I'd like to say that I've made changes in my personal life but, let's be real, what personal life?

 That's part of my problem as of late. I work, I go home and sleep, watch some Youtube, go to church, work. That's pretty much my life lately. And I see others who can work and go to school at the same time as well as everything else people do. I'm having a very hard time being motivated to do more than just exist and go through the motions.

 I force myself to go out with people just to get out of my house. I always have a nice time but I never really want to go unless I've had an unusually positive day. I have plans that I would love to back out of but, at the same time, why should I? I know I'm going to regret cancelling my plans if I tried to. But then that means less sleep. Not that I need it, I just feel exhausted all the time. Emotionally more than anything. The physical tiredness that is my life is just what I see as my normal, the emotional deficiency is the thing that affects me.

 That's probably not the right term, but that's the best I got. I'm tired of drama. My personality has become that of someone that does nothing but complain. I can't sit in silence but my brain isn't some place of sunshine, so the negative comes out. I don't want to be that person. Even as I write this, I have music blaring so loud in my ears that I can't even hear myself sing along to the music. It's an awesome feeling for someone who is truly afraid of silence.

 Only a few times in my adult life have I experienced a comfortable silence. I'm terrified to be alone with my thoughts, so I constantly speak. I don't even need the attention that comes with it, I've been caught talking to myself so I can focus on anything else but the silence.

 When it's quiet, the loneliness hits, the self loathing, the doubt. The issues I've been having at work have only compounded my mental instability. If I didn't know better, I would throw around the term 'bi-polar.' But I don't have those high highs that come with it. I feel like most days I'm pretty level if I don't think too much, don't face the silence. On the days that I do force myself to sit in silence and contemplate, it takes me days to pull out of it.

 Unfortunately, today's events have put me in a place where I acknowledge that I need change and I want to go for it, but I don't want to lose the things that I know are good in my life because the bad is beating me. I can't trust that my situation is stable enough anymore. I can't keep being dismissed and disregarded when it comes to what I see as serious issues.

 I already don't tell people all the things that bounce around my think space, so when I do speak up about something that truly bothers me and I want fixed, it makes me crazy to be cut down so low so quickly. You can't pretend that you care or that you respect me when you do that.

 I need out. The worst part is, I know I'm not the only one in this situation. Some of us have already gotten out and good for them. They're happy now. I want that. I love what I do, the bonds that I have made, but I can't deal with this hypocrisy any more. I want to stand up for myself but it's very hard to talk myself up to it when I know exactly how it will go, just like it always has before.

 Don't dismiss me. I'm an adult that can be spoken to and can be reasoned with, I assume you are as well. Have the same respect for me that I brought to you. Your way or the highway? Maybe the highway leads to better roads for me now. I'll see you around because, on a personal level, I do like you. I don't respect you the way that your position demands, because you don't respect me the way my humanity demands.

 Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be the only one coming to this conclusion and maybe that will be better for you in the long run, as well as those of us that felt this didn't fit anymore. We were a dysfunctioning family, sure, but you didn't swoop in and fix us. You drove us further apart and told us to deal. You made me feel so small so many times and you probably have no idea because how could I tell you?

 You don't take things I say seriously. If you did at one point, it's certainly not anything that stuck with you, and that's fine. It is what it is. I don't need special treatment but don't pretend we're one thing when we're really not. You're not doing me any favors, not that you owe me anything but I don't owe you anything more than what I'm paid for. So, why do I want to keep going above and beyond to the point of utter exhaustion and upset when it doesn't matter?

 I don't care anymore. I'm still considering my next few steps but this isn't how I wanted my life to be. I think 'miserable' is too strong of a word but I don't think I know what peace is anymore and I need to focus on finding that for myself over doing all your honey-do's. '

 This didn't really make me feel any better, but I didn't expect it to. I just needed to get it out, and thank you to those of you who listen to me complain all the time. I know you have your own things to deal with and sometimes, I'm intense and exhausting to you. I'm sorry. I'm doing the best that I can with what I've got right now, which isn't much. So, bare with me a little longer, please.

Last Post of 2016

Oh, 2016. I hated you. I still do. You were kind of awful. At the end of the year, where Christmas spirit should be abound and everyone should be feeling the warm fuzzies, no one feels any different. The holiday feels like nothing. I have like...four friends at the end of this year.

2016, you took a lot. And unfortunately, I don't know if the next year will be much better overall.

But let me say this. I learned a lot about myself this year. I learned what I won't tolerate. I lost friends because of that and you can ask anyone who doesn't like me, they'll say I've changed and become this awful person. I don't think I have. But I don't want to be anyone's doormat anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm standing up for myself more and still pushing out of my comfort zone because I can't do this.

The friends I have left are ones I believe will stick around. And if not, it won't be because anyone treated anyone poorly. It would just be a change in life. That's okay. I've accepted that. I don't chase anyone anymore.

As much as sometimes, I still feel alone and struggle, I feel better. I'd rather be with very limited friends who actually like me, and I know they do, then chase after someone who is nothing but heartache.

I don't have the energy for that anymore. I need to focus on my life and me, not bending over backwards for someone who is just using me.

So, that's what I'm doing.

2017, I'll still be doing that. Learning how to take care of myself and learn even more about the world and my own mindset.

So, at the end of this year, I have to say, thank you, 2016.

You're just like those awful friends I had...punch after punch, not bothering to slow or make sure I was okay, so I had to learn to make myself okay no matter what you did. I'm still standing, somehow. I will be tomorrow, and the day after.

Goodbye, 2016. Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya,

Sometimes

Sometimes, memories hit me like a train. They come out of nowhere, triggered by insignificance, but it sends me down a mental rabbit hole.

Sometimes, the memories make me smile. I replay visions of when we had fun and some of the things I had seen on your face. I hear words you said, the times you laughed. I remember silly inside jokes, yarns we liked to spin, tales we enjoyed to tell. I feel the peace and happiness.

Sometimes, they make me sad. I feel the darkness left behind, I remember the fights. I remember how I hurt and how I would constantly wonder if you felt the same. I remember being dismissed or being ignored. I remember feeling alone when I should have felt anything but.

Sometimes, I feel indifferent to the memories. Like...watching the boring part of a movie, where you know something is coming, be it good or bad, but you're just waiting.

Sometimes, I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Was I in the wrong? Was there something I did? Did I say something? Or was it all you? Maybe I should have cut ties a lot sooner.

Sometimes, I think about the future, things we had talked about, even in passing. Were any of those ever possible? Were they just dreams that meant nothing more than to fill the conversation?

Sometimes, I watch people go by me and I feel like I stand still. I watch you stand still.

Sometimes, I feel like it's your fault. Things could be different if you were different. If I were different.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will continue to attack at random. If you didn't happen, then I wouldn't have my bad memories. But I wouldn't have the happy either. Is it worth it?

I wonder if you ever think about these things too, even sometimes.

Future: Pending

So tonight, I sit at my newly rearranged room, still adjusting to how the change while listening to My Chemical Romance.

Yeah, one of those nights.

Well, I guess that doesn't mean much, I've always listened to this kind of music no matter how I felt. I was surprised to find out how emo my  music tastes were when I was a kid. Where did that come from? My parents are all about hairbands and country. I mean, I'm not super picky when it comes to music but I do have my comfort zone, emo music and like...skater punk? I don't know how to classify it. Essentially, I listen to Bowling for Soup and Panic! at the Disco all the time.

Like...ALL THE TIME.

Anyway. Back to my rearranged room.

I'm handling the change pretty well, considering I didn't have much say in how things went with the change. When things change in my life, I have a crisis. I'm working on it but I do NOT like when things are different than they should be, even if it was not functional beforehand. Logically, I understand far more than my mind believes? Logic doesn't mean anything when you're crazy though, so there's that.

The last few months, I've been making an effort to push out of my comfort zone. Tonight is just a weak moment and I'll get over it. But nights like tonight, I can't be proud of what I have tried to do the last few months.

I've been trying to be more comfortable by myself in general so maybe when I am alone, I'm not sinking into an existential crisis. It's been helping for the most part. I'll go places by myself where I would normally choose to just stay home to avoid the panic of being alone. I'll make plans for just me and I'll be unapologetic. If someone decides to tag along, great! If not, I've already mentally prepared myself.

I'll say yes to things that absolutely terrify me, even though I know it's a dumb thing to be scared of. I let one of my friends cut my hair the other day. That is a huge deal for me. And I've loved the result. It was nothing too drastic and she was very careful to communicate the entire time with me so I was prepared, even before the actual cutting took place.

The last time I got a haircut, I was bold (for me) and told my mom to cut off like...six inches. I had a panic attack and almost cried the moment I felt the scissors. Why? I've never been attached to the hair. It's the change. So this time, it was a big deal for me to not cry after cutting my hair.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with someone I barely knew and actually had a really nice night. Then I went out the next night to meet a group of internet friends. Again, HUGE for me. I'm the kind of person that needs months to get comfortable with someone before I'll even consider inviting them over or meeting them somewhere by myself.

I registered for a summer class with a friend and even though she stopped going, I finished it out by myself. I even registered for the semester class by myself.

I've tried to focus more on people who have made an effort on me as well instead of chasing people who like to be chased and it's been far more fruitful. I hope to keep up with that as well.

I've got a rough draft of the next year in my head and we'll see how that shapes up but I'm still feeling 'good' about it.

I mean, I don't really feel good about anything right NOW but in general, I'm pretty okay, I guess. I have plenty I need to still do and maybe that'll help me in leaps and bounds. But I'm still pretty terrified about a lot of things.  Don't know why, don't have good reason for it but I'm trying to slowly push past that bit of fear.

Some days, I do better than others. Today was good while I was busy. But then it started slowing down and it kind of went downhill from there. Maybe I'm getting sick as well, I don't know. I just have to get through tomorrow then I have a few days off, maybe recover myself a little. I don't know.

I don't know about a lot of things lately. Nights like this don't help. But I'll suck it up, I'll go to work tomorrow and I'll be as pleasant as I can be until I get to go home and then take a break from life. It's not even terrible or bad...it's just tiring and I'm having a rough go. For no real reason in particular, so that's fun.

Whatever. Time to feed my God complex and play some Sims.

Is Anyone REALLY That Surprised That This is an Angry Post Again?

I want to break the cycle of blogging only when I'm in a really bad way or fantastically good but never in between, That cycle is not broken this evening, so...sorry.

There has been so much change going on lately and, while that alone makes me uncomfortable, is literally the LAST of my concerns.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I'm finding that I'm very underappreciated in life lately. I feel like I'm only as important as what people can get from me. As a person who wants to make people happy, even to my own falling already, this is devastating.

I know it's a fault of mine and it's something I should know better on how to avoid at this point but I don't. Or, I don't stop it. I want people to like me. I want to genuinely get along with people but it's more of what I've always dealt with.

I'm only around as long as someone can get something out of me. As soon as I defend myself or decide to say something they won't like, I'm not needed.

Well, at work, I've always been someone helpful. No matter what the job was, I always tried to make it a pleasant environment for everyone.

Two years after the same garbage, I'm done. I'm speaking up for myself and quickly finding that I don't have anything real anymore. I don't know what I really expected. Today, I admitted to my superior that I just didn't know how much longer I could put up with this. I hate constantly feeling sick because of stupid drama.

I'm not in highschool and all of you are adults. ACT LIKE IT. All day today, I was nauseated because of what went down. Why was I surprised when the mean girl targeted me and made my business her own? Why was I surprised when, the moment I showed that I was HUMAN, that people ripped me apart.

I was humiliated, berated, infuriated, defenseless, and I felt so alone.

The ones who would have defended me weren't there...or were silenced by the sheer chaos of the situation.

I felt kicked to the floor and I didn't have enough to keep my mind busy today that I dwelt on it. I can't help that I do that, but I do dwell on things. Until a good nap, that's really all I can ever think about.

Then being told to find the reasoning for my actions so I can 'discuss' and finding absolutely nothing was devastating. I was even more humiliated to have to go and say that I just couldn't find my proof, even though I wasn't the only one that knew what it was.

In any case, I was told that I had misunderstood the rules and that if I was having that much trouble, I needed to communicate better.

I literally could say nothing else, so I ended the conversation and walked off.

Unfortunately for me, I can't hide my facial expressions and, CLEARLY, I was not happy with that reaction. I didn't even have time to cool down or gather myself when I found myself in the office.

DOUBLE UNFORTUNATELY, I was angry crying at this point. BUT..I was able to get a lot off of my chest and shed light on a lot. I feel like I walked out of the office feeling better in a general sense but we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm not interested in going above and beyond anymore. I'm clearly not appreciated enough. So, I'm going back to keeping my head down and worrying about myself. I'll keep my small group of friends close and just...I'm honestly exhausted at all the time. All day today, I was incredibly sick because of everything. I'm not interested in doing this anymore.

I'm 21. I honestly dread coming into work because of the people. That was never the case before.

I'm supposed to be having fun with life, worrying about my future. I literally worry about getting through the day. It's not okay. Something has to give. Or someone's gonna go.

Hopefully it's not me.

Another Sleepless Night

I look at my clock in the corner of my computer screen and kick myself when I realize it's really 4:18 a.m. Ugh. Why am I not sleeping? I haven't slept well in a long time, at least, not without some sort of sleep aid. Of course, I didn't take any last night and now it's waaay too late if I want to be a functioning person tomorrow, so, here I am. Just BSing on my blog until I start babbling incoherently.

Life is pretty stagnant, but it feels different. Not too bad. Maybe because it's nearing the end of the year and the last three months of the year, I just pretend life is all skeletons, stuffed turkey, pie, and presents.

4:20 now. Blaze it.

I chuckle stupidly to myself at a really dumb joke. This is pretty much my life currently. I know this won't stay this way forever, but goodness. When the heck am I going to learn to tell a good joke? Seriously? I didn't sign up to get a lifetime of bad jokes.

Been listening to Bowling for Soup for the last hour, getting even more HYPED for this upcoming Monday night, gonna see them in Scottsdale and I got meet'n'greet passes with Will. It's gonna be a good night. I'm willing to bet it'll probably be one of the best nights of my life up to this point. To be honest, I've been looking forward to this concert all year. It's really the only thing that's had any excitement for me in a long time. I get emotional thinking about it.

I hate emotions. Not even a little bit. Nine times out of ten, I wish I didn't have 'em. I wanna be Data. 'That is illogical, Captain.'

Then again, I'd probably have short circuited by now, so, I guess it's good that as a living person, the shelf life is a little better.

What? I don't really know what 'shelf life' is supposed to mean as a person. Conjured up a vision of people Stepford Wives style in a boutique on the shelves, waiting to get purchased. No thanks.

4:25 now.

See how my thought process goes when I'm left to my own devices? It just goes on and on and on. It's never that I'm NOT tired, I just can't ever get to sleep. And when I can, I feel like I have to get as much sleep as possible.

So, you can see my problem. I don't get enough sleep but when I do sleep, I sleep too much at the wrong time. Fffffff.

You know what? I'm gonna take a couple of days off here shortly, like, two days or something, and I'm just gonna drive for the two days. Blaring my music, leaving my phone off and just being alone with myself and my tunes to recalibrate. I think a good vacation is needed. I've never really 'needed' a vacation. Sure I've needed breaks but I think you take vacations when you need a break from life.

And that's not a morbid comment. Nothing like that. My depression has been in check lately, oddly enough, but I'm not needing a break from life in a bad sense like that. Just...a break. A roadtrip with myself and non-stop music. Nothing to think about, just scenery to take in and lyrics to appreciate.

'Let's make this interesting and start all over.' Ah, Bowling for Soup. Most of my friends don't understand or even know this band. They've been a pretty consistent part of my life since I was nine years old. With the blessing of technology, I have the illusion that these guys are actually friends to me. I cherish that idea. These songs, some silly, some heartbreaking, some just warm in general, have done a lot in my life. I never really realize how much until I hear a song and different memories and emotions flood my mind.

Even if I cry, I do love it. I probably always will.

4:34. Why am I still rambling? None of this is important or even an update on anything I've written before. It's just words that are in my head. I should probably be writing all this in like...a notepad on my desktop or something but whatever. I think like...four people read my blog anyway, so, no big deal.

Whoops. Just spent the last two minutes scrolling through FB mindlessly, giggling at Amy Poehler. I love her. And I love Tina Fey. Like...if I could get a peek at myself twenty years from now, I would hope to be like them, even if it is like Tina from 30 Rock. I already relate to Liz Lemon, so, that's not a problem with me.

In face, I WANT to be Liz Lemon. I want to write sketch comedy scripts. You know what? Maybe I should start working on my cartoon script. It's on my bucket list. Write a script for a cartoon. I've been surprised at how many people told me they would read that script if I wrote it. I know I'm good at writing skits and things like that, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be that hard but goodness.

I should do that. I really should. Base it on a grooming salon and have someone illustrate for me. Maybe just do like a comic series. Oh my goodness. I wanna do that.  I can't draw so I need someone to illustrate, but I can write a grooming comic. Easily. EASILY.

I was gonna write a comic with Kenny and Kevin one time. It was gonna be about the three of us. Whoops. That never happened for various reasons. Might be a little weird now if we tried that. Just a lil' bit.

So, I'll do it. I'll write a comic on my own. The dialogue, setting, all that fun stuff. Then after a few of those, maybe I'll do the cartoon script. Eventually, I want to write skits for like...sketch comedy. Like SNL or something. I could do that. Not gonna lie, but I do have a bit of a knack for writing skits and coming up with things like that on the fly. I can do it. I just need to do it. I'm gonna do it.

4:44. Can I make a wish? If I fall asleep tonight, don't let me forget that I do truly want to do these things and that they'd be easy for me to accomplish. The harder things need me to start with the easy and just keep moving. I need to get momentum with my writing.

Shut Up and Smile-Bowling for Soup.

That's what I'm ending my blog post on tonight. A surprisingly positive outlook for my tired state and new goals that don't require me to do anything before accomplishing. All I have to do is just...do.

4:47. Shoot. Almost 5. Is it really too late to take my sleeping pill?

All the change, but no quarters

So, last week, I was griping about change and well, now I have some news. Some big news, for me.

 I had been talking to my store manager, Wayne, and I had recently requested full time, even though I was absolutely certain I wouldn't get it. He had told me the Friday before that it wasn't going to happen, but he'd go through my productivity to see if he can try to convince the district manager that having me full time is a good idea.

Well, I've been searching for another part time job, or something that could be a better financial choice for me and I had taken the last week or so to give it a bit of a rest before searching.

Saturday, after an extra long shift for me, I was chatting with Wayne a little bit and he asked me if I was sure that I wanted full time. I repeated that I did and I felt that I could prove myself. What he said next was shocking.

He told me that Dan(my DM) had approved of my full time and it'll be in effect on Monday, 6-29-15. I was stunned. I was sitting right there as he changed my status in the system and he told me my benefits package was on the way. I felt goosebumps on my arms, just staring in stunned silence before I got a bit giddy.

I've been given the chance that I've been wanting and now, I don't have to find a second job and I can prove that this was not a mistake. I'm so excited for this opportunity and I'm extremely grateful to have my salon family, including my salon manager, all of them supportive and believing in me. They're one of my favorite parts of my day and I feel like I'm very lucky to feel so fondly of this group of women, even if we're all so different. I call them friends without hesitation and I firmly believe we're a work family.

I'm excited to work hard with this position and keep impressing people. I feel like this promotion, which I fully consider it to be, is just another way for me to show that I value the fact that I can work. I am so willing to work hard, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like a good work ethic is something that I don't see very often in peers and I think that it can serve me in every factor of life. It's underappreciated by people who should have it but it's noticed by work peers and such.

So, I came home and told my family. They were extremely proud of me for earning this opportunity and I have to be grateful for their support as well. Then, to make things even better, I won a three month subscription to one of my favorite monthly boxes that actually would have been my last month in July. I had no idea how I would have afforded to reinstate the subscription but now I have three free months ^-^

Just been good changes and good little things to help me get through the days, to remind me that life has ups and downs. If you try and you're a little brave, or willing to be uncomfortable, things will work out in one way or another.

I'm very grateful to have had such a wonderful day and the many opportunities I've had to prove myself lately. I hope I continue to grow and that I don't let myself down.

Patience Needed (?)

Lately, my life has been kind of stagnant, through every fault of my own. I get it. I know I could change things. But I haven't. Because I'm afraid. I need stability and I'm finding that it's kind of hard to keep up a stable life if you don't want to be treading water.

Maybe that's just me.

But, in any case, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and try to advance my life so I feel like I'm not completely worthless. Hasn't really been working out so much for me yet. Had a promising lead but I guess that fell through because I was trying to maintain the stability I have and didn't put that phone call first.

I like my life, for the most part. I just wish I felt like I was actually accomplishing something that would matter tomorrow. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm not generally 'happy.' I'm just floating around 'content.'

Now it seems like things keep flying at me that are pushing me to move too quickly or make a choice a whole lot faster than I'm prepared to and I'm not about that life.

I'm not exactly a risk taker. I like knowing that, because I work hard in my job, I'll still have it tomorrow and I'll have it as long as I want it. I like knowing that I have a home to live in that I pay for. I like knowing that I won't be going hungry because of how I'm currently living my life. Why is that so hard for some people to accept? I don't like risking myself, be it emotionally or physically without knowing for sure there is a good result.

Why is that so bad? If I'm working, paying bills, paying taxes, why does the way I live my life bother anyone? Why do people need to talk? I take just enough risk to get employed, to make sure I can do what I need to. I don't need to 'feel alive' every day in order to feel something. And when things get stagnant for me, I'll change them at my own pace. But until that point, I really don't need anyone else to look at me crosseyed because they're expecting more of me.

Sometimes, I really do just want to live under a rock by myself and music, a few books, unlimited food. The music and books will keep me from needing socialization. From dealing with people. People that need to talk, need negativity, need to be dumb.

If I don't find some sort of happy medium with the annoyances I have to deal with, I'm gonna break. I'm already falling apart at the seams, it's just going to get worse. I just want people off my back long enough for me to figure out what my next step is. Your steps might be great for you, but guess what? I still have to live my life. If I did everything everyone else told me, I wouldn't be living my life. I'd be living for everyone else and I do NOT need that stress.

My life isn't super special, I get that. But if I'm happy and somewhat successful, that should be enough and people shouldn't have to try and convince me how wrong I am.

I don't even know what I was trying to say when I started writing. I just kind of placed my fingers and let them do the rest. The only thing I've had to do is correct a bit of their spelling errors, eager little things.

As I look back at my words, I can see the contradictions. Maybe because, currently, I need a change. I know that. But when I'm happy, I can be in the same place for ages and have no problems. When I can see a future, I'm happy. When I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or where I'll be in three months, that's when I get unhappy. Time is going by so quickly and, for me, that means time I have wasted. Time wasted not knowing where I am, where I'm going. All I can see is a distant future but no direct path to that future. One wrong step can send me the wrong way. So, I don't walk. I don't move.

The change I'm actually trying to find will get me started. Then maybe I'll be happy enough to keep trying.

Things are so much easier when you get to peek at the final chapters and see where the story ends. Then you know, no matter how crazy things are, that's how your story ends. You'll be okay. Or you'll be dead. Either way, you'll know.

Yeah. If I could see the end, I would. Just to give myself some peace of mind.

I Hate This

For those of you who actually read my blog, I assume you already know what's been going on with my family, but, on the off chance that you don't, this post will enlighten you.

A few weeks ago, my mother, after 11 years, found out that she was pregnant. It had to be early, but it was there. She and my dad were extremely excited, they announced to us kids but told us to keep it quiet as miscarriages have happened, we didn't want to bring that kind of attention.

We agreed, though some of us told a few people in our own personal circles, we didn't intend to let the entire world know.

About two weeks ago, (maybe longer, time is just a blur to me) my mom felt severe pain and actually had to rush to the E.R. After nine hours of just sitting and waiting, they told me that the doctors had said it was likely an ectopic pregnancy, which, in easiest terms, means that the baby isn't where it's supposed to be.

Ectopic= DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER.

She came home and we were shaken. We were also mournful. We had all, in our own ways, begun to prepare for a new addition and we looked forward to it. This news meant that baby was likely not to happen.

Two days later, my mom was taken back to the ER to run the tests again.

Turns out, baby was still growing. Say what? Also, turns out that what they thought was the baby wasn't baby and, surprise, never mind, you're fine.

So, my family felt like we had gotten a break and were genuinely happy for a little while but cautious.

Today, while I was at work, I found out my mom was in severe pain again and had to be rushed to the hospital again. I didn't know anything until I got home but she was unresponsive on the ride to the hospital and shortly after I got home, her blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors said they suspected internal bleeding.

Let the panic commence. I made about a million calls, made some arrangements so I could stay at home tomorrow with my brothers and then received another update. They stabilized her BP and gave her some pain meds to get some sleep. Color's back in her face and now, as I write this, they should be transferring to a different hospital via ambulance.

Needless to say, my brothers and I are worried beyond sick, we've lashed out but we're doing a little better to let it out. My mom likely won't be home today, maybe not even tomorrow. I honestly don't know what's happening. And I don't know how anyone can do anything to help. I just...I guess this is my way of filling people in. If I didn't call you, don't be offended. I have so many things to take care of tonight, I can't possibly keep track of it all. My family is hanging in there and we're taking it minute by minute. We hardly know anything at this point, so...maybe I'll update the blog with it, maybe not. I'm already exhausted and it's not even 6 pm. The next twenty four hours will be insanely long. As long as I have information, I suppose I'll be okay with that.

Again, no clever ending. Just...an update on our scary situation. We'll take prayers, good vibes, nice thoughts, but other than that, we're okay. We don't need a lot. Feel free to contact me if you want to know more. I'll have my phone on all night and I don't think I'll be getting much sleeping done.

The Retail Worker's Woes

So, as anyone who might read my blog or Facebook knows, I work at PetSmart for the time being. I've been there a little over a year now and this is my second Christmas here. (Hardly counts, as I was hired around Christmas last year, but whatever)

One thing that I've learned is how real the frustration is to be someone who works in retail. Now, I work in a salon, so it's a little different than working at Walmart, but I've dealt with a lot of irate customers and complaints that make absolutely no sense to any rational person, but you have to deal with it and remind yourself that you're grateful to be employed.

Now, through the whole year, you get those customers that make you question humanity and treat you worse than the dog's doo you just had to clean up but it seems like I've seen more of that in the last few weeks than I have in a year.

I get it. Christmas time is stressful, you've got a packed schedule and you have all of these things that have to be done. But when you drop your dog off to be groomed and get irritated, treat me like I'm stupid for asking the questions I do, insult my intelligence or ability, it really doesn't make me want to help you. As much as you have a lot of things to think about this holiday season, so do I. I have a family to think of, I have friends and extended family I want to make treats for, gifts I would like to prepare, decorations to make and set up and, on top of that, I go to work every day and deal with people like you.

You have a job too, you have kids, I get it. I really do. You're a human being. But so am I. I'm not just some toolbag who was put on this Earth to squeeze your dog's butt and clip his nails. I don't expect you to care about my personal life or my issues, that's not what my problem is. My problem is, when I'm being polite or kind, that's not just an act. And I do have a limit to my kindness. When you roll your eyes, look down on me in disdain, and fight me at every turn, it wears me down. It makes me want to just stay in bed from now on.

Obviously, I won't give you the power to drag me down for too long. Usually, I get it out by muttering angrily the four hours I have your dog, unless he turns out to be the sweetest thing. Then I allow him to bring up my mood and just pity him for having to go home to you.

Do you realize that, when you call me and tear into me as much as you want, it really doesn't make me want to help you? And guess what, I do have the power to make sure I don't help you. I won't be rude about it, but I won't go out of my way to make things go YOUR way. I don't care if you had a bad day. I'm sure your mother taught you how to behave to other living creatures, or at least, how to behave in public.

I know mine did. She taught me that, no matter how bad my day is, I should NEVER allow it to alter how I treat people. I have bad days, just like anyone. But I try very hard not to be rude to you or your obnoxious child/dog and I like to think I do a pretty good job, even when frazzled. All I ask is that you have some common decency and treat me like a human being. A human being like you, who's just living day to day, struggling to pay bills, struggling to get my life the way I want it to be, struggling to survive another holiday season. Is that really so much to ask? Some common kindness?

But I've Got A Black Space, Baby, And I'll Leave it Blank.

So, again, I suck at blogging regularly. I don't even have an excuse this time.

But a lot has gone on. Not a whole lot of BIG things, but a lot of little things that can add up. Little things. Long work days, blossoming emotions, irritation, confusion. Every day things, I suppose.

It's funny, I don't even know if there's something that I can be like 'I am dealing with this big thing right now, it's the biggest thing in my life right now.' I mean, I have my job but I actually enjoy what I do, all drama aside.

Just today, the work family and I were all in...questionable moods, I suppose, but we actually were able to enjoy each other for the most part today. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that we were all there to work.

Work is a big part of my life, that's just how it goes. But it's not a huge burden to me. It lifts plenty of my own problems and gives me people who have spent almost a full year around me, so they have learned what's my normal and when something's off. And I have received nothing but support and opportunity. So, in that sense, I'm very appreciative. My job is, in reality, the very least of any of the small problems I might have. Thank goodness!

No, if I REALLY had to settle on something that's been a real thorn in my side, it would have to be dealing with emotions and the entire illogical drama behind them. Like...no. If I'm mad at someone, I want a good reason. If I'm happy, I don't really need a reason for it, but there almost always is a reason for it. Then the deeper emotions decide to jump into the fray and screw it all up.

No, I have no idea why I'm head over heels for that dude. It's irritating, frankly. But it also is fun. Then irritating again. My mind wanders a whole lot more than I would like it to and I can't seem to decide why I feel this way or what brought it on. It's just there. I kinda hate it.

I also kind of love it. UGH. Why can't I just go back to never leaving my house and minding my own dang business?

What? What's that you say? I'm an ad-ult? What is that? Ew. I didn't sign up for this.

The good thing about all this crazy stuff that really isn't that crazy in the first place is that I'm still really young. I can afford to let my life take a slow route for a little while. Doesn't mean I like it or I don't panic when I don't see things happening for myself like I see for everyone else.

Granted, I seem to be an idiot and aim for things I can't have until a certain amount of time has passed. Good job, me.

Anyway. I literally had no point for this blog tonight. I never know how to end the posts when I didn't actually have a real reason to say something. 

kthnxbai

The Day Nothing Changed...but Me.

It's funny, every so often, I get the feeling that I'm changing for the worse. It's an odd realization, provides a bit of motivation, then it's...different?

I don't quite know how to explain.

The past few weeks have been long. For various reasons, I'm just weary. And, the strangest thing is, I pride myself on being able to push through, silence my thoughts long enough to do what I need to do and not let it affect my day to day activities.

Yesterday, though, I had plenty of people comment on how odd I was behaving. Angry or simply not all there. Yesterday, I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I chalked it up to apathy but others saw it differently.

I cried at work yesterday for the first time since February. I don't even have a very good excuse as to why I was just so...overwhelmed. Work wasn't too bad, it was busy, which was good for me any other day. I got all of my tasks done in a timely fashion and went home on time.

So, there's really no REASON for me to sit in the break room and cry, but I did it. And when I got home, I couldn't shake the low feeling that had grown in a matter of hours.

Last night, some drama went down that I witnessed and it kind of left me a little unsure of myself, not too sure where I stand or what to expect. And I don't blame anyone, life happens and things change, people change and they have impulsive moments.

That's normal.

Usually, I can deal. But not yesterday.

I couldn't sleep. And when I did sleep, it wasn't a good sleep. It felt different. Heavy.

I don't really have a neat little way to end my post today. I try to leave some inspirational little tidbit for me to look back on later on but not today. I don't feel bad, I don't feel angry or sad, just...apathetic.

I imagine things will be a little different in a few hours, hopefully for the better, but I don't know.

Thank goodness tomorrow brings a new week for me. A new chance to make myself better, not slip back into some unrecognizable being just muddling her way through the days.

I want to be known as that person who is pretty pleasant to be around. Not someone who comes across as angry or off.

I need to get back to my 'normally.' Leave Yesterday there and bring the good ol' me to Tomorrow.

There's your inspiration, future Me. BAM.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams

Today was a surprising roller coaster for me. Most days, I find that I'm pleasantly apathetic. Odd, I know. But I don't need fantastic to be content.

Today looked like it would be fantastic. For no real reason. And, for the most part, it was. Until I got off work and found out about Robin Williams. It caught me by surprise by how upset I was. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't freak out. I kind of didn't want to accept it and ignored it until I logged into my Facebook and saw status after status, picture after picture, and it hurt.

To most people who know me, they understand that I RARELY get overly emotional when a celebrity passes away, no matter how much I might be fond of them, I usually reserve serious mourning for their family as I feel like, I didn't know them personally, I don't have that right and it would almost be rude.

I've felt sadness when I realized someone has passed and disappointment. But I can only think of three people that really...hurt me to lose, when I didn't know them at all.

Steve Irwin, Heath Ledger, and Robin Williams.

Sometimes, the sadness came from realizing everything they've left behind.

Today has left me deeply saddened. For many reasons, I guess. I told my dad earlier, when I wasn't willing to accept it, that Robin Williams wasn't allowed to die. So, it couldn't possibly be true.

Then to find out a little more about what happened. Of course, it's being 'investigated' but people don't say suicide unless they're fairly certain. I think that's when it really hit me.

I know I'm not the only person to feel like they had been touched, inspired, or simply cheered up by Mister Williams. The mark he left on the world will always be a great one. But it breaks my heart to think that this man was hurting so badly, he saw no other way to escape it, there was no relief for him. There was no one that could save him.

And now, his family is left to try finding acceptance and understanding in this horribly dark time. I can only imagine the hurt and regret they have, even though this wasn't not anyone's fault.

I, like many people, have had some struggles with some form of depression and I don't think there's a real escape for most people. And still, with so many people struggling, there will always be someone who feels alone in this big, full world.

There are millions of communities for every little thing you could possibly think of. Always a place for someone to find others who are like them. But depression is insidious. You can always be surrounded by people who love you, who know your struggles, who want to help, and all you feel is empty.

Now, that isn't to say that everyone struggling with depression can only feel loneliness and pain, but it's a lot harder to find happiness and a lasting comfort.

I guess, what I'm trying to get at is what everyone's saying at this point, but a little different. If you know anyone who even MIGHT be struggling with depression, pain, sadness, loneliness...try your best to be there for them. Offer love, acceptance, kindness, and try to understand. Give them a shoulder to cry on, show them that you still care. But this is where I change my message a little.

If you know ANYONE. Anyone at all. Happy at all times, sad, angry, apathetic, be there for them to the best of your ability. There are so many people hiding behind a smile, offering laughter and jokes when, really, they can't find a desire to get out of bed in the morning. They can't find the drive to put on a face anymore.
But they do. Until they can't.

Don't let anyone go without love. Don't assume, for even one second, that the person you're next to right now will still be there tomorrow. You know that saying, live like today is your last day?

Love like it's their last.


I'm not suggesting that everyone can be saved...sometimes, all we can do is offer love and there isn't anything really to be done from someone else. But trying is all anyone can ask of you if they don't really ask anything.

That being said, I have this now.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I know I've been stressing doing everything you can to take care of others but now, it's time to take care of you. If, for some reason, you have reached your capacity, or something out of your control has happened, don't let blame eat you. Guilt is no one's friend. Guilt is an unnecessary evil.

It's not your fault and you should never allow yourself to think it. It brings you to a dark place and prevents you from living your life.

I, personally, feel like the best way to honor someone's memory is to live your life. Love others, take care of others and give of yourself. Spread a little happiness in the form of a passing smile, a warm hello, a silent moment of understanding to someone who just needs an ear. You will be amazed at how far a little kindness can go.

To bring this back around so I don't continue to ramble, I'm hurt today. I didn't know this man but my idea of him was wonderful and it hasn't changed even in the slightest with his death. My memory and thoughts of him are not marred. But I am sad that his pain was so great. I don't think, for a moment, that he was a weak man. I think he was very strong right up until the point he couldn't find the strength to smile anymore. And at that point, his waning strength doesn't have to mean he was a weak person. A moment of weakness doesn't have to define you.

Mister Williams, I never got the chance to meet you. But I felt the love you had for others through your actions. I am so sorry that you couldn't find peace on this Earth. You left a legacy you likely didn't realize you had. Fond memories will surround you and your loved ones. I wish, for their sake, they can find acceptance and understanding for you. You were loved, you are loved, and you always will be.

Nanoo, Nanoo.

Warped Tour 2014!

This summer, my favorite band announced they'd be playing at Warped Tour. Imagine, if you will, my reaction when I read the Bowling for Soup article. Needless to say, I may have made some unnecessary noise and ran to my computer to buy tickets.

For those of you who don't know, Warped Tour is a big outdoor music festival. 50+ bands come, perform, sell merch, and it's just...overall, very fun. I had never been before but I was excited. Especially since I didn't think I'd ever get a chance to see BFS(Bowling for Soup) playing live, let alone get them to sign stuff for me. (Two CDs and my t-shirt, don't hate.)

Also, for those of you who don't know Bowling for Soup, for shame. They're a twenty year old band and I've been listening to them my whole life. You're really missing out. They're amazing guys and they've got some pretty great music. Look them up. Right now. RIGHT. NOW. I'll be waiting right here. Go. Go on. It's fine.

Anyway, the festival started at 11 A.M. I arrived with my brother and my very good friend at 11:30, we were as prepared as we thought we needed to be because five minutes of research told us the venue would take care of the overheating people.

Disclaimer: Take care of yourself first and never, EVER expect that they'll take care of you.

Anyway, we make our way around this huge venue to try and find my BFS merch tent. It took FOREVER but I finally found it and rushed over to find that no one else was flocking around it. FOR SHAME. I also wanted to figure out when they'd be playing, signing, and all the jazz. Come to find out they played at 1:45. HECK YESSSSSS. Didn't have long to wait! I bought a CD, left the tent, returned shortly after to buy a jelly bracelet, let to find shade and camped out at the stage where they'd perform.

It was just as amazing as I hoped. I got as close as I could and I had a blast. Signing, dancing, being a downright fool. I wish, I WISH, I had had enough sense to actually break out my camera 'cause I didn't get ONE picture. But my brother did, so I'll have him send them to me ^-^

They were funny, every song they played, I knew, so I was prepared. The heat was completely forgotten as I watched and listened to my favorite band play. Their set was over far too soon for me but as soon as it was, I made my way over to the merch tent, bought a Live CD from one of their Manchester shows and a T-shirt before getting in line for signings. The line was soooo long but I was willing to wait!

My brother and I were in line for about...oh, twenty minutes, half an hour, standing in the sun, before I started to feel just slightly dizzy.

Now, backstory, I was VERY familiar with this feeling because of a medical condition I have that causes my main bundle of nerves to suddenly relax when triggered, making the blood rush from my head to my feet, knocking me out in a matter of seconds. It's only happened a few times, but I've come to recognize the signs. Hearing the fades, tunnel vision, the inability to think, jelly legs, loss of motor function, them BAM, down.

This was a bit differently because my normal trigger was not the cause. Heat was the cause. I panicked, pulling my brother out of line and making a beeline for a stand that said 'Water, Gatorade.' I figured, if I could get a cold drink quick enough, I could fight it off and run back to the line.

I waited behind two people, the world beginning to spin as I waited. Finally, it was our turn and all I could do was lean on the cart. The last thing I remember happening was my brother asking how much for a Gatorade and the vendor replying '5 dollars.' I lifted my head and simply said '5 dollars? WHAT?' and over I went. Completely passed out and bowled another person over. (Sorry!)

Apparently, I was only down for a moment before I was sitting back up with people around me, waterbottles galore. I drained one quickly, feeling beginning to return to my body and head. My brother was in my face, concern etched on his as he tried to make sure I wasn't dying, I didn't need to go to the hospital. I was beginning to feel much better but still not perfect.

Then, a woman approached, crouching beside us and informed us that, there was room in their tent for us to use some shade, we were more than welcome to come over.

So, we did. And another Warped Tour adventure began.

The tent was for a band from Mesa that had been selected for Warped Tour's Battle of the Bands. I hadn't paid much attention to that, admittedly, but after sitting in the shade for a while, I asked. Starcross was their name. I listened to one of their songs and, come to find out, their genre is RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. HECK YES.

My brother and I bought t-shirts and got two free CDs, which we listened to at least twice on the way home from the festival.

I was a little worried at the beginning that I was being a burden by being there but after Band Mom(Hi!) insisted I was fine, I made myself comfortable and my brother right along side me. We chatted, we joked, we People-Watched. I like to think that we made some pretty talented friends. But what stood out most to me was how kind everyone was. They didn't know me from any other overheated kid but when I needed help, they were right there to make sure they did everything they could.

I felt genuine kindness from complete strangers that day. (Of course,  I felt it from my band when I finally got signings as well, but this was different.) After a while, it felt like I had a standing invitation to invade on their space whenever I felt uncomfortable or wanted to just chat. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't meet many people like that in such a setting. I might chat with people here and there but then we go our ways, never to see each other again.

I think...I would be extremely sad if I never saw these guys again. They're so talented and so kind, I would be foolish to give up the friends I've started to make. I firmly believe that these people, had I not met them that day, I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun at Warped Tour. Sure, I met my band which was my ultimate goal, but after passing out, all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to be there anymore because I was embarrassed and scared.

They saved me that day. Maybe not as drastic as one might think, but they left a huge impression on me and my brother and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Trish, Kenneth, Sam, everyone else I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember your names, thank you so much. You guys rock and I am so glad to have met all of you, I wouldn't change a thing about that day. Planning to be there for the EP release! :D

I Ain't Even Mad?

Okay, so, again, I've had a few things to ponder the past couple of days on a more personal level.

I've cried, I've been angry, I've splurged on stuff I felt insta-regret for, then I tucked my tail and hoped things would be okay.

My life has always consisted of the same things. Very rarely do I stick up for myself, very rarely do I ever tell people how I really feel about anything.

Most people 'know' me and I always have something to say but I never say anything that hasn't been said before. Not because I am trying to be insincere, but because I know very little people care about anything but surface stuff. At least, when it comes to me.

I prefer to handle problems for others. If someone has something they have to get off their chest, if they need a doormat to stomp on, if they just need a shoulder to cry on, I'm one of the first people to try and be there. To my own downfall, I will take care of others before I even think about myself.

My mental status feels like it teeters between paper thin and non-existent.

I know it's not healthy but I can't always help it. If I try to say something and I get cut off, I stop talking. Obviously, what I have to say is not that important. So I make sure I'm never saying anything important so being ignored doesn't hurt as badly.

I will listen to problems of others, internalize the issue, try to fix it within myself to help them fix it and it just piles on to my own faults and concerns.

Only a few people fully realize how true my comments here have been. And I would have expected that those few people would be the ones to give me the benefit of the doubt when I break, when I can't take it anymore, when I just need someone to leave me alone, or when I need someone to let me call on them like I let everyone else do to me.

And it hurt to know that I don't get that benefit. I could spend every day of my life sweating and crying over taking care of someone else but if there's a time when I don't know how to help or I say something they don't like, I'm so easy to discard and to step all over.

I'm tired of being there for everyone and having no one in my corner. Then my family can't understand why I can't handle being around anyone. It's not fair to them that I've done this to myself but I can't fix my own problems when I have every other problem on the planet thrown at me with the expectation that I will validate, kiss the booboo, and volunteer to be the punching bag.

The more I think about this, the more upset I get. How can I possibly live a life that's not my own? I'm afraid to be in my head with only me because I am terrified to let someone else down. I can't take time for myself, I can't write people off because what if I was the one thing that was helping them?

In truth, I make myself far too important to others when, in actuality, I'm just another face to whine at. I'm just another dog to kick. I'm not a true person to anyone. I'm not the kind of person that people think about when I'm not in their face. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it is.

And, in a way, that's completely normal. I should accept it and call it life. But I have a hard time doing that when I know that so many people run through my mind in a real way every single day and I'm not even in the back of theirs.

I swear, I don't mean this to be a negative, attention grabbing post but hey. I need to think about myself, even if it's for five minutes.

I wish I could say I was done but it's not my personality. I doubt I will ever be done trying to fix people, trying to help and always trying to keep from letting people down. But it gets to be really hard when I have no expectations of anyone and I still get let down.

For once, I want someone to shoot me a text and just say hi because they thought of me without having to prompt an interaction.

For once, I want to be able to know that I can take a break without devastating someone and giving them the impression that I'm selfish or I don't care.

Why am I expected to care twenty-four/seven  when I don't get even five minutes of care from anyone? Life's not fair, I get it, but it makes me really want to just detached and keep my head down, trudging through life with no expectations from anyone or from me.

I guess this is my lot in life. Okay. I just wish I had been given a heads up so I could prepare myself for this.