Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Anxiety

Last night was a pretty big night for me, with the cooking and the reading. Well, right after my last post, I began cooking. I wasn't finished until six twenty. So, I really had no time to get ready and I still ended up cutting out the caramel sauce. I hadn't been able to take a shower and in my rush, I didn't grab any kind of spoon for the sauce or putting the cheesecake filling into the cups.

Once I got there, I began setting up and realized, my stuff looked pretty pathetic. I mean, yeah, one guy had what looked like ramen noodles and chicken, but the way he was doing the presentation made my pork look like...breaded meat on a plate.

Then my desserts. One of the cups BROKE on the way. Then I discovered that I can't really get a thick cheesecake filling out of a bowl and into a smaller bowl without anything. Someone went and grabbed me an ice cream scoop and it worked..just not for the ganache. I should have stopped. I should have, but I didn't...and then I ran into the gym and began waiting with my friends for my reading.

I believe that it was going pretty well, until I started feeling gross because my lack of shower and done up hair and pretty clothes on. And my worst enemy, anxiety, decided to rear it's ugly head. I watched all of these people sing and play music and..I had a stupid little poem to read. So, I tried to calm myself down and it really just made it worse. I don't think I was scared enough to start shaking, but I was crying, doing my very best to hide it.

It was surprisingly easy in the dark but still.. My dad and brother came to cheer me on but by the time they had arrived, I had taken my name off the list. Thinking of it now really makes me mad because this is something I've been planning to do and I really couldn't.

Another thing that makes me mad is I was able to go up on the stage to do a group skit with my ward and I was fine. I couldn't do it by myself. It all just brings me back to Walmart a few days before Christmas.

I'm sitting there on a bench, two or three bags at my feet as I watch every unfamiliar face, waiting for my parents to come. I was shaking, crying and just hoping that they'd hurry. It was the longest twenty minutes of my life. I can't decided which situation was the worst, but both really ended up ruining my night.

I can live with taking my name off the list, I'll get over it and chances are, I won't even remember it tomorrow. It still sucks. Anyway, back to last night.

I collected my food from the judging, gave the cheesecake stuff to my friends and headed home. My mom had ordered chinese and my whole family and our friends ate dinner. It cheered me up quite a bit, but I still wish that I had been able to control my anxieties.

Oh well...I guess there's the next Youth Olympics..